Talking about it with mutual friends.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Coming up to a year since our split - got some questions about coping when talking to mutual friends about how things went down:

Overall I'm a lot more myself again. So much less anxious, completely cut off a lot of the emotional ties and habits I got myself into - I rarely check up now, have deleted all our texts and their number. 2 Months since our last contact. But one thing I can't stop is the fact we have a lot of the same friends, and a lot of them have opinions about our split.

Some of them are really supportive of me. Openly state that I was clearly gas lit and manipulated throughout the relationship. Taken along for a ride. But to be frank, I don't like it being talked about in this way. I've said before I don't like it being pointed out, but my friends often remind me that it's important that I acknowledge how toxic the relationship was.

Then there is the flip. Those that support her. Obviously I try and avoid the matter with this group of people so to not raise any tension. My question is how do those of you in friendship groups with your exwBPD deal with social situations when you are both present, or the topic of your relationship is raised?

I have a general one liner, something along the line of 'we were friends, we were together, and it didn't work, and thats ok'.

But when they ask why we're not friends anymore, or press questions and simply not talking about it isn't an option, what do you do?
And then generally... How do you make the subject  not quite so deep? Afterall, it was just a relationship. I can't just brush it off, or make a joke about it. I have to read into everything being said to me or I'm saying. We've been split longer than we were together and I'm just looking at reducing the fallout of it all to as close to 0 as I can now.

Thanks.

[alittleawkward]

Coming up to a year since our split - got some questions about coping when talking to mutual friends about how things went down:

Overall I'm a lot more myself again. So much less anxious, completely cut off a lot of the emotional ties and habits I got myself into - I rarely check up now, have deleted all our texts and their number. 2 Months since our last contact. But one thing I can't stop is the fact we have a lot of the same friends, and a lot of them have opinions about our split.

Some of them are really supportive of me. Openly state that I was clearly gas lit and manipulated throughout the relationship. Taken along for a ride. But to be frank, I don't like it being talked about in this way. I've said before I don't like it being pointed out, but my friends often remind me that it's important that I acknowledge how toxic the relationship was.

Then there is the flip. Those that support her. Obviously I try and avoid the matter with this group of people so to not raise any tension. My question is how do those of you in friendship groups with your exwBPD deal with social situations when you are both present, or the topic of your relationship is raised?

I have a general one liner, something along the line of 'we were friends, we were together, and it didn't work, and thats ok'.

But when they ask why we're not friends anymore, or press questions and simply not talking about it isn't an option, what do you do?
And then generally... How do you make the subject  not quite so deep? Afterall, it was just a relationship. I can't just brush it off, or make a joke about it. I have to read into everything being said to me or I'm saying. We've been split longer than we were together and I'm just looking at reducing the fallout of it all to as close to 0 as I can now.

Thanks.

[Naughty Nibbler]

I have a general one liner, something along the line of 'we were friends, we were together, and it didn't work, and that's ok.

Good for you for holding to a boundary.  Nothing good can come from sharing too much and creating drama triangles.  It's a no-win situation to share specifics & get into the weeds with those who love to gossip & advise your ex of what you might say (perhaps with an inaccurate twist)

Too many people love drama & gossip.  It's too easy for any specifics you might share to get misconstrued. If anyone keeps probing for specifics, hold your boundary, after your one liner.  If need be, follow up with "let's talk about something else", or just change the subject.  If necessary, walk away from the probing person & start a conversation with someone else about something else.

Stay strong & they will eventually leave you alone.  If not, then you need to find some new friends.

[once removed]

theres a lot on the internet these days, about relationships, about breakups, about to handle them.

both sides mean well, but human nature is still at play. some want to take your side. some want to take her side. some may want to even see you reconcile.

generally speaking, this is drama. i like your one liner. i recognize that that doesnt seem to get everyone to drop it.

in some cases, you may want to stick to that approach. be boring, dont offer any headlines (so to speak) to chase. in other cases you may need to be more firm. to say, in so many words, that youve said what youve said, and dont have any more to say, and change the subject.

for the few and far between that cant handle that? be more direct. the subject is closed 

still, in other cases, this may be a relatively innocent way of trying to get to know you, and if you feel its safe, dive deeper. my relationship at this point is ancient history, but as ive made new friends (completely outside any mutual circle), i have shared, as have they.

[alittleawkward]

Thank you for the replies, both.

I must put my hands up Nibbler and admit it hasn't been so clean cut. Some of our mutual friends know all the details, hell even some of her friends know more than I'd like to admit now.

And thank you for your ever wise words, OR.

Now with dealing with these moments emotionally, I find I always get an anxious stomach immediately when my exes name is raised in conversation (as it was again today). I actually bought this up and said that I get so tense when the topic is raised, and my friends suggested I may be having PTSD triggering from it. Considering it is simply unavoidable that the topic of our relationship, or at least the existence of my ex will come up time and time again, does anyone have any coping mechanisms they would recommend to ease/get rid of this horribly overwhelming feeling of anxiety?

If I could have my own way the best way to get rid of it would be to sit down with my ex and just chat so I can get rid of the monster I've constructed in my head and remind myself she is just another, slightly broken human being - unfortunately I know that won't happen.

[mstnghu]

My wife and I are still together but the topic of divorce has been brought up many times. I can't possibly see myself living the rest of my life in this toxic relationship. One of the things that crosses my mind frequently is about what people will think. I've always cared too much about what others think of me but I have gotten better about it. It does bother me though that we have mutual friends and friends/family in general who have really only heard her inaccurate versions of what has gone on throughout our relationship. I know she portrays herself as a helpless victim of an abusive husband. It used to really eat me up. I often think about what I would say to these people if they ever confronted me about our relationship after separation/divorce. Sometimes I have a "moral high-road" view toward how I would respond, and other times I feel like laying out every crazy story about her in full detail. I know that wouldn't accomplish anything positive though. This thread topic interests me too and I'd love to hear from people who've been through this before.

[once removed]

does anyone have any coping mechanisms they would recommend to ease/get rid of this horribly overwhelming feeling of anxiety?

i had pretty crazy anxiety when my ex and i broke up.

within about thirty minutes of waking up, i would go into an anxiety attack that could last for up to eight hours, and that was for a good month or two.

think about it. whats behind the anxiety when she comes up?

[alittleawkward]

i had pretty crazy anxiety when my ex and i broke up.

within about thirty minutes of waking up, i would go into an anxiety attack that could last for up to eight hours, and that was for a good month or two.

think about it. whats behind the anxiety when she comes up?

I've been through similar, OR, thankfully the daily occurrences of anxiety have completely subsided and now it only happens when my attention is bought to her.

At this point, I truly don't know what causes the anxious spurs. I've been through it with a therapist, talked to my ex directly about it, and talk to one of my closer friends about it often. Maybe its some sort of trauma or minor PTSD, maybe it's because she remains the only serious relationship I have experienced, maybe its my consciousness eating away at me because there is still a flicking of desire that we could be compatible someday or maybe it's something totally different that I'm not even aware of. I'd like to learn how to control it when it happens though because my typical coping mechanisms simply aren't made for social situations but rather when I'm by myself.

[once removed]

I'd like to learn how to control it when it happens though because my typical coping mechanisms simply aren't made for social situations but rather when I'm by myself.

there are really only two methods i know of. and they might sound pat.

the first is a mindful approach. feeling it all. noticing it all. standing a little bit away from it, and observing it all. it sounds like youre doing a lot of that. dont underestimate the longer term impact it can have...but dont expect it to cure anything. the lessening of triggers comes primarily from desensitizing to them. the reaction will generally be less, after each time. when my ex and i broke up, and id look at her social media, just seeing an innocuous profile picture change could send me into a several hour tailspin. a year later, i could look at her social media, no problem.

but one thing that really helped me nip my triggered anxiety in the bud was a supplement called passion flower (its used to treat something called Adjustment Disorder). it stopped the anxiety attacks for me, and not long after, they stopped all together. ive used it again when my anxiety ever got that high. i highly recommend it, it will definitely lessen the reaction, within minutes.