Traversing the aftermath

[MrBig]

Hey all,

I guess this is more of a vent post than anything. My mind, heart, and honestly soul just seem in constant battle. In a way I feel childish that this situation and the aftermath have affected me so badly. People close to me are either worried or I've done a good enough job keeping myself under wraps that they don't know the extent of it all. I would like to preface this with saying I would never do harm to myself or end my own life. Especially over something as petty as this or the person involved in general.

But my very perception of myself is ravaged it feels. This all ripped open some pretty ancient wounds that I had worked for years on acknowledging, accepting, and showing love to in order to heal. I feel as if I have stepped backwards through time, as if I am back in a place where this work never occurred. I don't wish to die, but I wish to kill this. Whatever you may call it. The inner critic, the residential mental narcissist, the echo of this person who chipped away at me so slyly I barely knew how reduced I was until the dust had settled. All of these things.

I have so much to be thankful for. I have good friends, a family who we have all come together to heal our pasts with one another, I've made some achievements in my life. But it's like that glass wall analogy. I guess you could call this simply depression. But I know that black dog well, this cuts much deeper.

I feel hollow, as if I'm a fraud. An imposter. That I'm an abuser without even knowing it. That perhaps I'm delusional. That my entire perception of myself, my life, and my motives for being who I am are wrong, or have long been askew beneath the thin veneer of who I like to think and have tried to prove myself to be. I think myself strong but here I am, my spirit seemingly cleaved by someone who has no high ground to stand on given both of our lives and actions.

I feel, not hopeless, but tainted. It's almost like Venom, the symbiote from the comics. Just this ever hungry and feeding presence that is permeating my being. I know life goes on. I know I have moved on from objectively much worse. I know I'm a survivor. But this has shaken me. Given my mental health diagnosis and knowing generally how it affects me, I find myself doubting constantly. I was at a place where knowing all my pitfalls and mistakes brought pride and love for who I've been and become. Now I have to fight the old adage of "to know me more is to love me less," it seems.

It all feels so futile. I just wish to sink into the abyss. But not over my ex, almost to punish the sin of truly abandoning myself. Without even knowing I was doing so. Logically, intellectually, I know the truth so well. I get it, I even have compassion for her. But down to my bones, I feel such darkness. That while I know it will pass, I know the scar from this will be significant, a reminder. I know I'll never quite be the same as before this. That sucks, because I loved me then. It was my first prolonged and genuine feeling of safety and love for myself. I miss me. Thanks.

[once removed]

it sounds like a dark period, my friend.

i went through one, myself. i expected life to get better quickly, for my life to blossom. it didnt. i felt alone, lonely, isolated. i had episodes of suicidal ideation. i couldnt find a sense of purpose to save my life.

I know I'll never quite be the same as before this

you wont be. im not. but that can either be a good thing, or a bad thing. some relationships can leave us with a wound that never fully heals, that gets swept under the rug, that leaves us compensating for the pain, living a life with diminished value, and less ability to give or receive love. it doesnt have to be that way, of course. we can come through this, not just stronger, but a power house...with a better relationship to ourselves, and an even greater capacity to give and receive love. heartbreak is no gift, but in every tragedy, there is an opportunity to find meaning, and purpose.

and that might sound pat right now. its the sort of thing i had to just buckle down and trust, even when things seemed as though they were getting worse.

I feel hollow, as if I'm a fraud. An imposter. That I'm an abuser without even knowing it. That perhaps I'm delusional. That my entire perception of myself, my life, and my motives for being who I am are wrong, or have long been askew beneath the thin veneer of who I like to think and have tried to prove myself to be. I think myself strong but here I am, my spirit seemingly cleaved by someone who has no high ground to stand on given both of our lives and actions.

elaborate.

is this the first time youve felt this way?