It's been 3 months

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi
This is my first post. I need some support and advice on how to MOVE ON!   My ex BPD boyfriend broke it off with me 3 months ago. I was "blindsided," and dropped without emotion and barely an explanation.  I am only this week realizing he is BPD. I am in that place that I see written about in posts of having classic feelings of deep shame, despair, obsessive thoughts about him and wondering if he ever loved me. We had a "too good to be true" relationship for the first year and in the 2nd came distancing, moodiness, threatening the relationship if I brought up any topics he didn't want to attend to, self absorption, and victimization (sulking).  I think he is a quiet/petulant type.  We didn't fight, but I was intent on keeping peace and did my best to please him. I am so grossed out by my behavior!  I thought issues in the relationship were around substance abuse of alcohol... anyway, I'm beating myself up for not having agency in the relationship that wasn't serving me, ignoring obvious red flags, hoping that the relationship would normalize to the first year and generally not getting what was going on!  In fairness to me, my codependency issues were not about "fixing him" or getting wrapped up in his problems and chaos and trying to solve his problems, but they were definitely about swallowing his bullPLEASE READ and staying in a relationship that was giving me nothing - he was taking the whole time.  I feel betrayed and used.  Ok, it's a classic BPD story.  How do I heal?  I am NOT contacting and I do NOT want him back. 

[LiliLu]

Hi
This is my first post. I need some support and advice on how to MOVE ON!   My ex BPD boyfriend broke it off with me 3 months ago. I was "blindsided," and dropped without emotion and barely an explanation.  I am only this week realizing he is BPD. I am in that place that I see written about in posts of having classic feelings of deep shame, despair, obsessive thoughts about him and wondering if he ever loved me. We had a "too good to be true" relationship for the first year and in the 2nd came distancing, moodiness, threatening the relationship if I brought up any topics he didn't want to attend to, self absorption, and victimization (sulking).  I think he is a quiet/petulant type.  We didn't fight, but I was intent on keeping peace and did my best to please him. I am so grossed out by my behavior!  I thought issues in the relationship were around substance abuse of alcohol... anyway, I'm beating myself up for not having agency in the relationship that wasn't serving me, ignoring obvious red flags, hoping that the relationship would normalize to the first year and generally not getting what was going on!  In fairness to me, my codependency issues were not about "fixing him" or getting wrapped up in his problems and chaos and trying to solve his problems, but they were definitely about swallowing his bullPLEASE READ and staying in a relationship that was giving me nothing - he was taking the whole time.  I feel betrayed and used.  Ok, it's a classic BPD story.  How do I heal?  I am NOT contacting and I do NOT want him back. 

[grumpydonut]

I can relate on many levels.

I can't tell you how to heal, as I haven't healed either. But I can tell you what you shouldn't do. Don't check his online profiles. Don't unblock him - if he's not blocked, then block him.

My ex has caused me more pain post breakup than she did through the relationship. Things can get even worse, so protect yourself.

[once removed]

so, what happened? why did you break up?

[l8kgrl]

Hi Lililu,

I can relate to feeling upset about your own behavior. We all have this part of us that just wants to be loved and is willing to do an awful lot to get that need met. I think romantic relationships bring out a whole other side of us, sometimes doing things we wouldn't do in any other area of our lives. It's good to learn from but also good to try to be compassionate with yourself and not beat yourself up.

I totally agree with grumpydonut (what an awesome name!) about staying away from his social media, etc. I know that part set me way back...basically nothing good can come from checking up on him!

Glad you are here with us (but sorry for the circumstances!) 

[LiliLu]

Thank you for your responses. I am trying to be compassionate with myself.  I am doing a very good job externally - ie not checking social media, unfriending his friends so I don't inadvertently run into anything, distancing myself from common friends.  It's my internal responses I need to work on.  It is reassuring to know that this is one of the most emotionally confusing and hurtful relationship issues to find peace with.  I guess it takes time.  I'm going to try a CODA meeting this weekend.  The gamut of emotions is so intense.  Anger, then sadness, then compassion for me and him and then back to pure disbelief about it all.  Hopefully it will be two steps forward and only one step back. 

[LiliLu]

Thank you for your responses. I am trying to be compassionate with myself.  I am doing a very good job externally - ie not checking social media, unfriending his friends so I don't inadvertently run into anything, distancing myself from common friends.  It's my internal responses I need to work on.  It is reassuring to know that this is one of the most emotionally confusing and hurtful relationship issues to find peace with.  I guess it takes time.  I'm going to try a CODA meeting this weekend.  The gamut of emotions is so intense.  Anger, then sadness, then compassion for me and him and then back to pure disbelief about it all.  Hopefully it will be two steps forward and only one step back at a time.  I seriously doubt he will be back to me.  I have classically been devalued, rejected and replaced.