Interacting with An Unstable BPD-like Parent who justifies rage and manipulation

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm heartbroken and on edge as a a daughter in her early 30s of a father who has bpd-like traits and has grown increasingly unstable.  He just turned 80 and has had periods of instability over the years, so it's hard to say how much is catalyzed by the pandemic alone.  My father has been in therapy for at least 40 years (two psychiatrists), and has been diagnosed as having agitated depression.  After relaying my father's symptoms, my therapist mentioned, with caveats that he can't diagnose a patient without seeing him, that the symptoms resemble BPD.  My father has wild swings of rage, and has gotten into numerous car crashes and lost jobs when he's been at his worst.  The slightest disagreement, whether it be a fact, he takes as an insult to his personality.  And he sees anything he does as of unparalleled rationality and justification, even though it's driven by fear and anger in his extreme moments.

Ever since the pandemic started, I've had ongoing differences with my father who often just thinks of his own well-being and does so in a very rigid fashion without thinking of consequences.  Fortunately, he is in good physical health for the time being.  He works part time as an addiction medicine physician.  Recently, he got on an airplane to go visit his sister and brother in law in the midwest.  While the visit was well intentioned, as he was concerned about his sister who also has mental health problems, the way he went about the trip was concerning.  He didn't think about the health risk he posed to his sister and brother in law who are older and frailer than he and would run the risk of terrible consequences if they contracted the virus, and also the fact that he could collaborate with his nephews to arrange their care.  Instead, he got angry when, because he gets unhinged, they refused to give him full access to talk to my aunt's doctors.  When he wouldn't get answers that he wanted, he'd erupt in rage.  When he couldn't reach anyone, because they were busy with taking care of things and probably avoiding his rage, he called the police to do a welfare check. 

On top of things, my father refuses to acknowledge that his rage/emotional dysregulation are problematic and think he's both entitled and justified in his reactions.  The more he gets into his episodes, the more justified he feels.  To the point, where I've been yelled at in over half the conversations I've had with him in spite of expressing that it hurts me when he communicates with me like that, and that is something I cannot do.  The only way to avoid the yelling is to avoid most conversations, which means my dad would sit stewing in his rage.

My father sees a psychiatrist who he has been seeing for 30 years.  I don't know if it's more helpful than nothing.  My father has had rages over the years.  My mother put up with a lot and when these moments happened, would go see his therapist with her.  In some ways, this maybe enabled my father.  Unfortunately, she passed away four years ago after a several years of struggling with terminal cancer.  My brother and I try to be there for my father, but he is particular and demanding and emotional.  I made sure to visit every other weekend, putting him before my own life stability as I had done most of my life, to be there for him.  There's no role for my brother or myself to do that now without overstepping boundaries. 

I feel like we're just waiting for the freight train to crash in a heap of instability.  My dad is being vicious and aggressive and saying that we can only have conversations on his terms--which means he'll mention the situations but won't give context that might help him reflect on the situation.  Are there any approaches anyone has taken to try to get their relatives to acknowledge their own problems and seek treatment?  I really don't know how to have a meaningful relationship with someone who thinks anger/rage and manipulation are okay.  It was a struggle in the past, and is just growing harder as I contend with my own stressors in the midst of the pandemic.

[whiteelephant]

I'm heartbroken and on edge as a a daughter in her early 30s of a father who has bpd-like traits and has grown increasingly unstable.  He just turned 80 and has had periods of instability over the years, so it's hard to say how much is catalyzed by the pandemic alone.  My father has been in therapy for at least 40 years (two psychiatrists), and has been diagnosed as having agitated depression.  After relaying my father's symptoms, my therapist mentioned, with caveats that he can't diagnose a patient without seeing him, that the symptoms resemble BPD.  My father has wild swings of rage, and has gotten into numerous car crashes and lost jobs when he's been at his worst.  The slightest disagreement, whether it be a fact, he takes as an insult to his personality.  And he sees anything he does as of unparalleled rationality and justification, even though it's driven by fear and anger in his extreme moments.

Ever since the pandemic started, I've had ongoing differences with my father who often just thinks of his own well-being and does so in a very rigid fashion without thinking of consequences.  Fortunately, he is in good physical health for the time being.  He works part time as an addiction medicine physician.  Recently, he got on an airplane to go visit his sister and brother in law in the midwest.  While the visit was well intentioned, as he was concerned about his sister who also has mental health problems, the way he went about the trip was concerning.  He didn't think about the health risk he posed to his sister and brother in law who are older and frailer than he and would run the risk of terrible consequences if they contracted the virus, and also the fact that he could collaborate with his nephews to arrange their care.  Instead, he got angry when, because he gets unhinged, they refused to give him full access to talk to my aunt's doctors.  When he wouldn't get answers that he wanted, he'd erupt in rage.  When he couldn't reach anyone, because they were busy with taking care of things and probably avoiding his rage, he called the police to do a welfare check. 

On top of things, my father refuses to acknowledge that his rage/emotional dysregulation are problematic and think he's both entitled and justified in his reactions.  The more he gets into his episodes, the more justified he feels.  To the point, where I've been yelled at in over half the conversations I've had with him in spite of expressing that it hurts me when he communicates with me like that, and that is something I cannot do.  The only way to avoid the yelling is to avoid most conversations, which means my dad would sit stewing in his rage.

My father sees a psychiatrist who he has been seeing for 30 years.  I don't know if it's more helpful than nothing.  My father has had rages over the years.  My mother put up with a lot and when these moments happened, would go see his therapist with her.  In some ways, this maybe enabled my father.  Unfortunately, she passed away four years ago after a several years of struggling with terminal cancer.  My brother and I try to be there for my father, but he is particular and demanding and emotional.  I made sure to visit every other weekend, putting him before my own life stability as I had done most of my life, to be there for him.  There's no role for my brother or myself to do that now without overstepping boundaries. 

I feel like we're just waiting for the freight train to crash in a heap of instability.  My dad is being vicious and aggressive and saying that we can only have conversations on his terms--which means he'll mention the situations but won't give context that might help him reflect on the situation.  Are there any approaches anyone has taken to try to get their relatives to acknowledge their own problems and seek treatment?  I really don't know how to have a meaningful relationship with someone who thinks anger/rage and manipulation are okay.  It was a struggle in the past, and is just growing harder as I contend with my own stressors in the midst of the pandemic.

[zachira]

I hear your frustration and concern over how you father is acting worse than ever during the pandemic. You are wondering about getting him so help. My mother with BPD passed away last summer, and I have several relatives with BPD in addition to NPD. I am afraid there just isn't much you can do as people with these types of personality disorders will not usually seek help or respond to treatment. What are you doing to keep your peace of mind as best you can during such challenging times?

[madeline7]

I don't have any pearls of wisdom for you, but i do have an elderly uBPDm so I can definitely relate. In my mom's case, she has gotten worse as she gets older, because now she says she is "irritable" due to her age. Well, I am here to tell you she has been "irritable" for as long as I can remember. She always finds an excuse for her behavior, and I am often to blame. For not doing enough to help her now that she is elderly and widowed. I have consulted with some social workers and therapists, and unfortunately they all say that there is almost no chance that she will change at her age (she is older than your Dad). They say the best thing I can do is change the way I interact with her and to limit my interactions. That alone is triggering to her, but then again, everything and anything can trigger her. It's a challenge to maintain boundaries, and I frequent this amazing board to get support and to hear other stories that are inspiring and so helpful.