mom w/ BPD

[joni4477]

This is my first time writing about this - just hoping to connect with some people who know what I'm going through. I feel like I'm crazy after every interaction with her. Sometimes it feels like there is no way to find stability because our versions of reality and memory of past events are so completely different. She does not know she has BPD but has all the classic symptoms. Makes me feel like I'm hiding a secret from her.

[Methuen]

Welcome Joni!

I feel like I'm crazy after every interaction with her.

She will make you feel like this if you let her.  

our versions of reality and memory of past events are so completely different.

Yep.  That's the disease.  Are you familiar with JADEing?  Don't try to explain or argue with her, or defend yourself, or justify yourself (or your ideas).  All of that (JADE) will completely boomerang back at you and escalate an already bad situation.  It took me a while to figure out what JADEing was and get the hang of how not to do it.  We all JADE in everyday life; it's how conversations take place and things get done in the world, but with a pwBPD, it's a powder keg.  The fact that she "remembers" things differently than you, is the disease at work.  It's her defense mechanism, and it's a complicated one.  I'll bet sometimes she claims she doesn't remember certain events that were traumatic for you, and acts like they never even happened?  Sound familiar?

She does not know she has BPD but has all the classic symptoms. Makes me feel like I'm hiding a secret from her.

I'm sensing you could be wondering if you should tell her?  Is that right?  If it is...Don't!  If you think things are bad now, telling her she has BPD would make them 1000X worse.  

Makes me feel like I'm hiding a secret from her.

This sounds like something my mom would try to make me "feel" ( manipulation to make me feel guilty.  They use guilt to try to control us and have their own needs met).  I'm going to challenge you a wee bit here, and ask where do you think that feeling (of hiding a secret from her) is coming from?

Since you're a newbie, I'm just wondering if you have already clicked on the link "how to get the most out of this site?"  If not, there is a TON of info (about BPD and strategies for how to cope with it) and ALL of it is really helpful.  

Would you like to tell us more about a particular event or situation?

Again, welcome

[Panda39]

Hi Joni,

I want to join Methuen and welcome you to the group 

Disclaimer: I come at BPD from a slightly different angle my Partner's ex-wife displays BPD traits.  My partner and she have to daughters so you can find me hanging around on this board trying to get an idea of what their perspective might be. 

The feeling crazy after interactions with your mom...I can relate to that too when it comes to my partner's ex.  When I first met my partner I was always asking "Why"?  Why is she doing that?  Why would she tell the kids that?  Why didn't she do that?  Then you through in some Gaslighting and you really get confused.  Just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling crazy, but you aren't crazy   

She does not know she has BPD but has all the classic symptoms. Makes me feel like I'm hiding a secret from her.

None of us can diagnose BPD only a professional can.  Has your mom ever seen a Therapist?  What we really deal with here isn't the name/label but it's really about learning to better negotiate the behaviors we are seeing.  Instead of feeling like you are hiding something from her, use your knowledge of the disorder to help improve things.  It is okay to keep this knowledge private.  Sharing the information will likely be met with defensiveness and anger so would probably not be helpful anyway.

Can you share more of your story?  Do you live with your mom?  Do you have siblings?  Is your dad in the picture?  What are you finding most difficult in terms of your interactions with your mom?

Hope to hear more,
Panda39