Hope To End The Drama with BPD family members ASAP

[zachira]

My sister with BPD has just said she and her husband are fed up with my blow ups and anger.  She accuses me of treating my BIL badly. ( I also have a brother with BPD and a mother with BPD who is deceased.) Nothing could be further from the truth. This is all about my sister. She has constant blow ups and mistreats my BIL who enables her. I do not have a bad temper and rarely get angry. I try to treat others like I want to be treated. I have finally figured out my sister has both BPD and NPD, whereas my brother has BPD with strong narcissistic traits. My BIL is a lot like Notwendy's father in that he completely enables my sister and gets upset with those who don't enable my sister. His mother was a lot like my sister. My BIL's sister was married to a man similar to my sister, finally got divorced, and now in a marriage where there is a good balance of give and take. I often wish my BIL would get divorced and marry a woman that is worthy of him.
I am working on selling all common properties my siblings and I have together which are not worth much money, and to end doing taxes with my siblings. Fortunately I am in contact with my sister's daughter who treats me with kindness and respect, and I am so proud of her, that she does not allow herself to be influenced by her parents. I do not talk to her about her parents, and I don't plan to cross that line, though I want to support her in any way I can. I hope my sister dies before her husband, as taking care of my sister in her old age will likely be a nightmare for her children, as my sister like my brother, are both acting more like mom as they get older. I do think aging is harder for people with BPD and NPD  because they no longer attract the kind of attention they did when they were younger.
I keep working on distancing myself from my disordered family members while forming more rewarding relationships with others, including myself. I am proud of how far I have come, and I have a long ways to go. Sometimes, I just can't help but getting upset having so many negative unfair accusations dumped on me. Thanks for listening. Just want to get this off my chest and move on ASAP.

[Mata]

Sometimes, I just can't help but getting upset having so many negative unfair accusations dumped on me. Thanks for listening. Just want to get this off my chest and move on ASAP.

Hi Zachira - Sorry to hear you are going through this today.  I am struggling with being unfairly and cruelly blamed for things today too.  My dad (who is an alcoholic) attacked me out of the blue because my sister came to visit me and she didn't tell him.  My dad doesn't even live in the same state as I do, so I truly do not understand his outrage.  The hurtful thing is recently I had reached out to him for support on some issues with my BPDmom (they are divorced), and today he accused me of being like my mom and having a 'yo-yo personality.'  It's sad to be reminded that neither one of my parents have the capacity to be healthy or supportive influences in my life.

Anyway, also just trying to get this off my chest and hoping to be able to move on too.   

[Methuen]

Zachira, it sounds like there may be light showing at the end of the tunnel for you.  I hope that once the family property holdings are sold, and you don't have shared taxes any more, that you will have more choices about when, and when not, to have contact with your BPD family members.  You have taken huge steps to regain that sense of control back about which family to spend your time with.  I hope the light at the end of that tunnel gets bigger and brighter.

She accuses me of treating my BIL badly...Nothing could be further from the truth. This is all about my sister. She has constant blow ups and mistreats my BIL who enables her.

 Classic. Even when we understand projection, it still hurts and frustrates us.  I still remember the day (from many years ago) my mother mocked me for "being so sensitive". The way she said it was so derogatory and dirty.   The comment came out of no where.  I just looked at her, confused,  because I knew she was the sensitive one.  It was a eureka moment, and may have been a bit of a turning point with me, because I KNEW how untrue it was, especially relative to her!  Now I understand projection, but it still feels horrible to be tormented from a family member with accusations which aren't true, and which are delivered in an outraged or  condescending tone.  So when you sister says this to you:

she and her husband are fed up with my blow ups and anger.

...it would be super hard to listen to that.  I hope tomorrow will be a better day.  And I hope in a few days, you will be able to look back (as more of an observer than a participant), and see the humour and irony of that moment. What you know to be the truth is the important thing.  

Just want to get this off my chest and move on ASAP.

I hope it brought you some catharsis to put it in print, and let it go

[zachira]

Mata,
I am sad that you are being so unfairly accused by your dad. It sounds like your dad can't accept any kind of independent feedback from you, and is doing what he can to put the blame on you so it does not have to hear about your pain or feel his own pain. All the explanations in the world like the one I have written above, do not take away from how hurtful it is to be mistreated by a parent who is supposed to love us unconditionally.
Thank you for your reply. I feel that you understand how I am feeling.

[zachira]

Methuen,
Thank you for your reply and understanding about my need to just write about this experience and move on as fast as I can. Hopefully, there is light at the end of the tunnel and I will at some point have no contact with my siblings except for maybe an occasional family event like a wedding. My mother set us up to be financially enmeshed by giving my siblings and I properties of really not much value. Unfortunately I own the family cottage with my sister which my mother gave to us. My sister does not want me in the cottage this summer even when she is planning to come during the time I am usually there. I know my sister is a selfish narcissist and it is not personal. She always tells me she does not want me at the cottage even though we own it together and she takes all the best weeks of the summer. My brother did not want me to come for Christmas and got me sister to help him to get me not to come anymore. My mother used to invite her sister to stay at her house for Christmas week, then complained endlessly before my aunt arrived and after she left. My aunt was nothing but the perfect house guest. I believe there is a deep seated fear among my siblings just like my mother when she was alive that they will be seen for who they really are if someone is around too long.
I know none of this is personal. A couple of years ago, I proposed to my sister that we sell half the cottage to two cousins. She said that would be okay as long as she had the weeks she wanted, they did not stay at the cottage when she was there, and did the work she wanted on the cottage. My sister was planning on treating my cousins like she treats me so I told both cousins that we could not sell them half the cottage because of what I have written above.
I am hoping to go to the cottage, get my personal possessions that are stored, and then put the cottage up for sale. My mother's estate still is not settled, and I am dreading the drama that my siblings are going to throw in my face. I am still contemplating getting an attorney to just put an end to everything as fast as possible.
Thanks once again for your reply and taking time to read my post.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, and I can dry my tears and move on.

[Mata]

It sounds like your dad can't accept any kind of independent feedback from you, and is doing what he can to put the blame on you so it does not have to hear about your pain or feel his own pain.

This is very insightful, thank you, I think you're right.  I came home from work and had a good cry.  I feel a little better just letting the sadness be there, and not stuffing it away like I used to.  My dad ended his message by stating he was "done" with me.  In the past, I would have worked very hard to patch things up.  But I think I've turned a corner emotionally, and I'm feeling very content with being "done" with him too.  And not in an angry way, but more a resignation and acceptance that he is emotionally abusive (which I think I've denied a long time) and its not good for me to be treated like this anymore.   

Thank you for starting this thread today, it has helped me to feel not so alone with the hurt feelings.   

[zachira]

Mata,
I am glad you are not feeling so alone with your hurt feelings. Sometimes a good cry really helps to let go of the sadness. I have cried many times over being abused by my family members, and am working on letting myself have a good cry about what has happened today. You are on the right path, not stuffing the feelings, crying when you need to, and seeing people for who they are. I feel sad too reading what your dad said to you. You are welcome to write as much as you want, and post as often as you would like. I have been on here for a couple of years and the other members have helped me to the point that I don't get so overwhelmed with such intensity or as long over the latest cruel behaviors of my family members.

[madeline7]

Great job on distancing yourself from your family and forming healthy relationships with others; and love that you included yourself in "others"! Especially during a challenging time following your Mom's passing and working out the business arrangements with your family. You have taken a difficult situation, and have demonstrated insight, the ability to set healthy boundaries, and a way to move forward. Truly an inspiration!

[zachira]

Madeline7,
Thank you for your kindness and support. It feels good to know that others see my courage in going forward under some really difficult circumstances. How are you doing with your mother? I admire how you have responded to being in such a difficult situation with your mother. For me, one of the hardest parts, is knowing the healthier I become, the more naturally I set healthy boundaries with my siblings with BPD, while carefully picking as few battles as possible, seems right now to translate into increasingly crueler treatment of me that ever before. I am hoping the joint owned property issues and the estate will be settled soon and not take years, so I can live the life I want to lead, and my siblings can focus their dislike of themselves somewhere else other than on me.

[madeline7]

Hi Zachira
Thank you for asking about my Mom. The shelter in place has been very hard on her. Even though she rarely went out prior to covid 19, she really feels isolated now and has retreated into waif mode. For me, it is making it easier to set boundaries. And it literally took a global pandemic to put things in perspective. How messed up is that?

[zachira]

Madeline7,
Glad things are going better for you with your mom. I hope you are having more time without your mother and more long stretches of time to feel safe from your mother's mistreatment of you which give you time to heal and less to process once she is gone.

[Libra]

Hello Zachira,

Though I have not posted in a very long time, I have been following your story from a distance. You remain an inspiration for many on how you have handled the interactions with your siblings ever since the death of your mother. Using this board as a vent for your frustrations and problems with your FOO hopefully helps you let go or at least reframe some of your emotions, and it helps other members see that changing an unhealthy relationship is not something that will happen overnight. With perseverance and some support from people who understand your struggles, however, it can be done!
Good on you to continue taking steps in the right direction. Please allow me to cheer you on in this marathon. I also fully understand your yearning to be DONE with them. I often have the same feelings when it comes to my relationship with my mother with BPD traits. Keep posting, keep venting, but - most importantly: don't give up! You have marched far, and beyond is getting nearer with every step.

 
Libra.

[zachira]

Libra,
Thank you for all your encouragement. It is indeed a long journey yet we must not give up on having the kind of life we deserve. How are things going with your mother? How are you doing overall?
I took some important steps yesterday. My sister and BIL accelerate their mistreatment of me every time I make a concession. I have decided I will not be making any more concessions and am standing firm on using the cottage at my usual time which is going to make my sister just furious as she is used to always getting her way. Yesterday I had an email from my BIL insisting I give up my time at the summer cottage so he and my  sister can stay there, and I come earlier and do all the work they usually do of opening the cottage. I actually told him how I feel about him and how he enables my sister, and how I feel about how they mistreat me. I am no longer willing to just stay silent while they abuse me. I have bit my tongue for way too long. My sister is a narcissist and my codependent BIL seems to think it is his job to manage her out of control emotions and her blaming other people for how unhappy she is. Anyway, I have taken a stand and will not back down. I am hoping to sell the cottage and no longer have any dealings with either of them as soon as that is possible.
I also called my brother whom I have not spoken to in months. I got him to agree to not talk to me about my sister and not talk to my sister about me. I realize my sister uses any information she gets about me to cause as much trouble as possible. I also talked with my brother about the final steps in settling the estate, and selling all the properties we own together. He actually at one point was open to discussing my getting some of my mother's things, and I closed the door on that one saying I will just take the cash, knowing that trying to get any of my mother's things would upset my sister as she expects to get anything that is of value. My brother still has BPD, and I had to carefully tread not to upset him, and keep the peace. My sister has NPD with strong BPD traits, and there is no hope that she will ever stop abusing me. Eventually, I think I can go no contact with my sister and extremely low contact with my brother.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. It is all about being patient while doing what I can when it is possible and letting those things go that I cannot control.

[squirrel20]

I am the subject of our daughters attacks and we have family that enable her behavior. It is very unfortunate to hear you do through this, but I am also learning that I am not crazy and this is really happening. Distance has been the best. I recommend you sever whatever ties you have with the property and get some peace because as I have learned this this does not get much better.

Out you get children have suffered because of their sister’s behavior as well, so I understand your position.

[zachira]

Squirrel20,
I am sad your daughter attacks you and others enable her. I agree that putting distance between yourself and this kind of person is usually the best solution, and when possible severing the ties with abusive people can bring some really needed relief. I am at the point in my journey that I no longer seek out dysfunctional people for friends and relationships nor am I generally affected by their mean behaviors if they are just acquaintances. I agree with you that I need to sell all the common property; it is just a matter of getting it done, and I have spoken with my brother about doing so. In the meantime, I am just so on edge at times by all the senseless attacks on me by family members that seem to come out of nowhere, and have increased with intensity and vindictiveness with time. I know my sister with NPD is a really sick individual, and she has always been determined to make me look bad, as supposedly my looking bad makes her look good. Hopefully by the end of the year, there will be real progress on selling all the properties, especially the cottage, so that I am well on my way to having no contact with my sister, except for hearing about her through other family members, or seeing her at family events like weddings. I plan to maintain a firm boundary with family members that they don't share what they know about me with my sister and they don't talk to me about her, like I have hopefully established with my brother.

[Libra]

Zachira,

Good on you for taking a stand and keeping your dates at the cottage. That must have surprised them. How did they react?
Do you feel relief from telling your BIL how you feel about his enabling your sister? How did he take it?

Congratulations on weaving your way successfully through a conversation with your brother as well. It can be very draining to keep your wits about you all the time. Those conversations can be so draining. I hope you feel some satisfaction after managing that talk to your brother.

As for me, I am okay. Thank you for asking 
I am still LC with my mother. We have our ups and downs. I worry about a new big downhill evolution coming my way though. We'll see.

...and letting those things go that I cannot control.

That is so true, isn't it? I would also add: 'and letting go fo those things i do not WANT to have to control'.

[zachira]

Libra,
Thank you for your reply and thoughtfulness.
I haven't heard back from my sister and BIL, and don't expect to. I just had to draw a line in the sand as far as the ongoing escalating abuse which is likely to just continue to escalate. Years ago, my sister physically attacked me in the middle of the night when I was sound asleep, because of something I apparently said  earlier in the day that she did not like. Her daughter was sleeping in the bed next to me and witnessed the whole thing. At the time, I was physically injured and my sister knew it. She threw a punch and then ran out of the room after telling me about something I said which was basically an innocent remark on my part with no malice intended. The next day I could not believe what I said to her: I told her I would kill her if she ever put her hands on me again. Her husband told me they would be going to a hotel because she was his wife, though he did not make any excuses for her as he was at least this time aware she was completely in the wrong. They both liked the experience of being in the hotel away from my mother with BPD and away from me, and since then have always stayed in a hotel at Christmas, though had their children still stay at mom's house. Several years later, I finally told my sister that her children should never stay at mom's house  because of how she mistreated them, and my sister said she would talk to her husband about that. Since then they have all stayed at the hotel except one Christmas when my mother was in a rehabilitation home, and the children could safely stay at mom's house.
It is now many years later and my sister is more and more emotionally out of control. Last summer when I was at the cottage my sister recruited my cousins who were staying at the cottage to micromanage me. When they arrived they told me I should just put up with being the family scapegoat like their father did. Later my cousins kept inviting me to go places with them, though it was apparent that they did not want to be with me. I finally figured it out, when one day I was sitting in the cottage calmly reading a book, and my sister just stormed out. I later found out she went to a coffee house 30 minutes away.  My sister has put herself in a state that I am to blame for her feelings, and she is apparently very jealous of my calm collected demeanor. I am hoping my email will get them to come earlier and not be at the cottage when I get there. I can not plan to come earlier because of covid19 whereas they can because they live within driving distance. This is all a power play by my sister and BIL, and how they cannot manage their emotions, her NPD and his codependence and likely some BPD traits.  If worse comes to worse and they are in the cottage and extremely abusive towards me and I fear for my safety, I may have to go stay with the neighbors.
My brother and I are on good terms temporarily. We have an agreement that I can get my things out of his house, and that could change. I want to go to the cottage and get my personal belongings from my brother's house, plus get an appraiser to come so I can just sell the cottage or buy my sister out. My sister does not want to buy the cottage. The time my sister and BIL are demanding for their exclusive use of the cottage is the last chance that I will have to get there and the most likely chance I will know whether to go because of Covid19. I would so much like to get the show on the road and close these painful chapters in my life and not have to wait until next year to go to the cottage.
I hear your frustration with your mother and I understand how you never know when things will get worse.
Thank you for your support and listening.

[zachira]

My nervous system is really calming down. I am taking the necessary steps to no longer own any properties with my siblings. I did give my BIL a piece of my mind with constructive feedback as he increasingly enables my sister's bullying of me. For years, my BIL has been incredibly kind to me and generous while still taking responsibility for all my sister's meltdowns and running around like a chicken with his head cut off to keep her happy and keep her feeling like she is the center of the world. I just know I am at a point where I can't allow the abuse to continue to escalate. I have been doing lots of mindfulness, which works to calm me down, feel like my normal self, and stop worrying about what they are going to do next. I am telling myself the light at the end of the tunnel is coming. There is tremendous sadness about not being able to have a loving relationship with my sister, and this is just another time when I have to do what is right for me and the abusers, walk away from the abusers while continuing to live my best life and putting behind me as much of my painful past as I can.