Hi all,
It’s been almost a week since I wrote about my divorce and how things went when my STBXh had the kids with him over the weekend. It was so painful, but thanks to the support from this group, I got through it. Having S3 and S11 at home with me this week has been so much easier, knowing that they are safe and well and they can talk with me if anything bothers them.
For me this past week has been heavy in a different way. I get flashbacks of the marriage and feel guilt, could I have somehow made things better if I was more skillful in dealing with BPD behavior. My brain says I could not have, but emotionally I have a hard time. I also know that I could not take anymore of the rages, lies, silent treatment, cheating, drama, blaming, manipulation, delusions (me and people at work wanting bad things to happen to him), you name it.
Even though I’ve studied by now a lot about BPD, I still have a hard time really, truly understanding how the same person can be so convincing that he needed and wanted me as his wife and still his actions were totally opposite and finally I felt I had no other option but to divorce him. As a high functioning BPD he can be very charming to the outside world. He could be with me too, if he was in a good phase. I guess that, and the kids, have kept me in this marriage for such a long time, 11 years.
I understand and work on accepting that I let this relationship happen, I allowed the behavior. I should have ended the marriage way sooner. I most definitely have to work on my own codependency issues.
He had ”lows” every time there was any kind of change in our lives. It could even be a positive one, moving to our dream house, having kids etc., that resulted in terrible behavior. As an optimist, I always tried to understand his reasons to act that way and believed things would get better. At some point, though, I realized that things are only not getting better but instead every time he seems to go a bit lower than before.
And then there were the details, like him refusing to look me in the eyes when we should’ve talked about any serious adult stuff (be it related to kids, finances, house, our relationship etc.). No eye contact. He would always turn his back on me or focus on a newspaper or tv or ipad or anything but never look at me while we spoke. Is this familiar to anyone? Does this have anything to do with BPD? I said many times I would really appreciate it if I didn’t have to talk to his back when we needed to talk about something that concerned the both of us.
All in all, I felt many times there was no room for my feelings in the relationship and over time started to feel worthless and small because of this. Then later when my ex got diagnosed with BPD, his psychiatrist had written in his statement that my ex experiences me as a very strong person. I don’t know what to make of that.
Many times when we had bigger decisions to make, I asked that could we sit down and together think through our alternatives and discuss how we both feel about them. That was never ever an option for him. I was left to make decisions and then later blamed for those. If I made the right decision, that also somehow backfired in his mind. Instead of the win-win situations I wanted for us, it seemed like I was never ever doing the right thing. And that I was solely responsible.
Then there was one time when I had just given birth to our younger son a week earlier but had a really bad infection and had to be in the hospital for a week getting strong antibiotics. There was a really high risk of sepsis. My husband took me getting sick as something that I had deliberately done to make his life difficult (can you imagine how that feels when in reality you were so happy about having a child with someone you loved while at the same time experiencing a painful physical health issue!). My mother came to help him with the kids and he gave the silent treatment to both my mum and me. Learned later that my ex was worried he would not be able to go out to party with his friends and girlfriend at the time.
At present, he has found someone else but still seems to do everything he can to keep me hanging in this situation. In terms of finances, apartment, child care, and other practical stuff, I am looking for a lawyer because he refuses to agree on anything and refuses to talk with me, no matter how nicely I ask. He has said he hates me, cannot control his anger towards me and will not talk with me. He has made sure I know he has a new person in his life.
At the moment I feel pretty tired and sad. It’s hard to accept that my life centered around somebody else’s problems for 14 year (of which 11 married). And how could I let this happen from the kids’ perspective. Of course there were also really good times, which I do miss.
I am left with questions like; was the love ever real from his side? How stupid am I because I guess I thought I could help him and solve his problems and we would be happy? What’s more, why do I still care, how do I stop caring and rather focus on healing myself? Why give any more years of my life to this mess.
So many irrational and abusive stuff happened during the years that these are only some events that I share here. I could probably write a book about these. Unfortunately many of us could, I guess
I have done concrete actions like talked with a lawyer (will talk to a couple of others), agreed to start a new job in August so that I’ll have less travelling and can spend more time with my kids. I started therapy myself in hopes that it will help me heal better and hopefully quicker as well. If this emptiness is anything like the borderline feels, it is, well, unbearable.
After these years and experiences, I don’t think much of myself. I used to be a very positive person, but now I feel empty, (at the age of 40) first time in my life don’t have much of a vision of the future and feel honestly a bit hopeless. Also afraid that what if the divorce is too hard on the kids - what will this do to their sense of security. Will I ever be ready for a relationship and if that should happen, what is a normal relationship like, will I just be afraid that this kind of torture happens again.
Sorry that this is a long post. I guess I just felt the need to write this in a safe place instead of going through it in my head or opening up to someone who maybe would not understand what these relationships are like. If you have any tips or experiences on healing, I will be so happy to hear. I get so much comfort of the supportive posts in this group. I do know one day I will also feel better and hope to be able to support others better then. Take care everyone!
