Reflections on the first year now past.

[Rev]

So...  I guess I'm not really looking to ask a question because I don't feel that I am short on answers.  Just living it out and through...

My first year is just past - 4 days ago actually.  I have this theory that says grief is a two year process at a minimum. The first year you live it all out as it comes - and as you come around the mountain in the second year, you compare the second to the first. It's the first real recognition of how far (or not) you've come into gowning into who you are in the wake of loss - a new you or an old one reclaimed, or something in between.

The funniest thing has happened. I am doing some of the best work I have done in my vocation and yet I am really no longer fulfilled in my work. My ex and I work in the same organization and I'm not sure if this is a projection or an accurate thing - but she represents much of what I dislike about the organization I work for. Our breakup was not personal so much as professional because our relationship was based on a professional lie - she is not who she said she was, and in the last year I have heard easily close to two dozen stories about how she has hurt people and even damaged them.

I am considering resigning from part of my full time work to part time to launch on-line.  And this feels good. I guess the only thing that I still struggle with is that my male ego still want its day in court to confront her face to face. For the good of my career I have stayed very quiet - and this has been a good thing. But it has been very, very hard.

I occasionally still beat myself up for having suppressed all the red flags and not getting out earlier when I had the chance. Four times I could have but didn't.

So in this next year, I look forward to embracing who it is that I am - free of her professional jealousy and narcissism.

Thoughts or reflections would be welcome.

Rev

PS - I will confess that word has come back to me on more than one occasion that her own career has taken a hit - not because of our breakup - but because there is no one to reign her in any longer.  And I think that karma is doing its thing.

[Lucky Jim]

I occasionally still beat myself up for having suppressed all the red flags and not getting out earlier when I had the chance. Four times I could have but didn't.

Hey Rev, Give yourself a break!  Who knew about red flags  ?  You did the best you could under the circumstances.  BPD is an incredibly complex disorder.  When I finally learned that my Ex suffered from BPD, after years of swinging in the dark, I had the hubris to think that because I'm smart I could crack the BPD Code. I finally had to throw in the towel, as BPD proved too much for me.

So in this next year, I look forward to embracing who it is that I am - free of her professional jealousy and narcissism.

I second your plan for year two.  Get back to who you are at your core.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Make your life a journey towards authenticity.  Nietzsche said, "Become who you are!"  I find that sage advice.

LJ

 

[Rev]

Hey Rev, Give yourself a break!  Who knew about red flags  ?  You did the best you could under the circumstances.  BPD is an incredibly complex disorder.  When I finally learned that my Ex suffered from BPD, after years of swinging in the dark, I had the hubris to think that because I'm smart I could crack the BPD Code. I finally had to throw in the towel, as BPD proved too much for me.

Thanks LJ - this excerpt describes me to a T - when I finally figured it out - I realized that I needed to get out. And when I was in the first weeks of being out - where I was second guessing myself, a really good T who specializes in "men's issues" said to me: Rev you need to ask yourself two questions: One - is she even treatable at this point, because you say she simply refuses to go for therapy and Two - Even if she did, is it safe for you to stay?  That was enough - two days later I shut the door on going back.  Today I have a cease and desist in place. 

Have a good one.

Rev

[Lucky Jim]

You're welcome, Rev.  Your T sounds like a wise person.  Those two questions are excellent points to consider.

LJ