I can logically process but not emotionally process my mom’s behaviors

[Jkey5290]

It has become clear to me over the last 1-2 years that my mom is suffering from borderline personality disorder. I have cycled through the stages of grief many times over the loss of my mom. It has been very painful to realize how much guilt I have carried, and only recently have I stopped telling myself that I am a terrible daughter. I have made some progress setting up healthier boundaries with the help of my therapist, husband, and recently a few of my close friends. I now realize I need help from other people who can relate to my experiences, affirm my sense of loss, and teach me new strategies to better take care of myself, foster a good marriage, and preserve some compassion for my mom.

[Methuen]

Welcome Jkey

I am glad you found us here.  I think you will find that this is a nonjudgemental forum that is grounded in supporting people to move forward in their personal growth, and find a path through the turmoil that a relationship with a pwBPD can bring.  Lots and lots of support here, and people who "get it".

I am 58, and landed on this site in crisis one year ago.  I am doing so much better now.  I had heard a Dr tell my dad at a medical appt (about 15 yrs ago) that she (Dr) thought it sounded like his wife had BPD.  Within 5 years my father had died.  It was about 9 years after that and two counsellors later (who both told me it sounded like my mom had BPD) that I started investigating what BPD was.  I had to hit my bottom, before I was ready to accept I was the one that needed to change how I reacted to my mom (because she was never gonna change).  Then I started learning about BPD, which brought me to this site.  My  mom is 84, frail, waif-like, and I have spent large chunks of time being terrified of her.  I have huge trust issues.  But in the past year I've learned about radical acceptance, FOG, boundaries, validation and validating questions (SET), and JADEing.  These are  all tools that I use now to navigate my relationship with her.  I am much healthier, although there's always more to learn and practice, but day to day I am no longer living in fear, frustration, or negativity.  That's an intro to my story.  

Can you tell us a little bit more about what brought you here?  When you talk about the loss of your mom, do you mean she passed away, or that you recognize you won't have the Hallmark mother-daughter relationship we all wish we could have?

It sounds like your mom has conditioned you to feel like a terrible daughter.  None of us are terrible daughters.  We are survivors of mother's with BPD, and until we begin our healing journey, we feel like terrible daughter's.  In my case, it was like nothing I ever did for my mom was good enough (and I did everything I could to win her approval...and kind of lost myself in the process).  Does any of that resonate?

I am so glad to hear you have a T, husband and close friends who support you.  I am also fortunate to have those things...and this forum.

Again, welcome!

[curious quandary]

Welcome Jkey!

I have cycled through the stages of grief many times over the loss of my mom.

Yes I'm still working through this myself. I've always wanted a close relationship with my mom. But I'm realizing bit by bit, after learning about BPD and enmeshment, that the relationship isn't what I thought it was and will never be what I had hoped for. I still love her dearly, but I need to change the nature of our relationship in order to look after my own mental health.

None of us are terrible daughters.  We are survivors of mother's with BPD, and until we begin our healing journey, we feel like terrible daughter's.

Methuen is right. I too feel a lot of guilt. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can, and that treating yourself with compassion and taking care of your own needs allows you to put forth your best self with others, especially your mom.

What Boundaries have you set? Where do you need guidance? I'm still new to this but there are some very knowledgeable and caring folks here.