Does having a parent with BPD mean you'll never be able to have be relationships

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi. I haven't been on in a long time. I'm kinda scared and not sure this is the right board to pay in. I've taken care of my mom mentally and often physically for most of my 34 years. I moved out 2 years ago. She exhibits every aspect of BPD but has never been diagnosed. I'm not physically spoken to her in almost here and a half. I basically raised my eight younger siblings. My dad was pretty absent.

I've always tried to make friends but she isolated us pretty good and everyone else always had big groups of people that they hung out with. I was raised on poverty level and I haven't been able to get past that as an adult even after going last year and getting my master's degree. I thought I'd made friends finally and found somebody I wanted to be with as a life partner, but it started falling apart starting about a year ago.

I'm worried that maybe I'm the one that's messed up. I've tried getting therapy but they always say I seem to have a good handle on everything. The person I thought was a friend lied and justified flirting outrageously to the guy I fell in love with when after we had a fight because he found out I was really broke. She justified all of it and now has or other male roommate bending over to kiss sheer feet as well as a new boyfriend. They're all getting to be really successful making all sorts of friends in the city where ywe all move dto to be roommates together. They've all basically been on vacation during quarantine and I have had to work nearly every day since we got here just paid my end of the bills. I work a pretty solitary job cuz it's all I can get hired for and I keep trying to make friends online or a little but I was out before quarantine. but they never seem to want us to stick around. I know I've made some mistakes since I've been here but I've tried to fix them and grow but they told me it wasn't good enough. My heart has been broken since New Years...

I couldn't afford to go anywhere for the holidays and was left alone in the house. Kinda for fun I put wrapping paper on other stuff in our joint pantry and on a door in each of their rooms. I told them I was going to pull a prank while they were gone but they got back and told me that I had violated their privacy and I was an awful person to be around and never positive. It's been really hard between not really talking to a lot of my family and losing him because we'd gotten to be really close. Social media isn't helping. And having to watch them get everything and have it easy and I think there's something wrong with me.

How do you tell if you're really not worth being around like everyone tells me I am? At what point do you check yourself into the hospital and write yourself off as being unfit for the world? How do you fix yourself and stop hurting?

Sorry, don't know what else to do it who to talk to.

Thanks.

[guineap]

Hi. I haven't been on in a long time. I'm kinda scared and not sure this is the right board to pay in. I've taken care of my mom mentally and often physically for most of my 34 years. I moved out 2 years ago. She exhibits every aspect of BPD but has never been diagnosed. I'm not physically spoken to her in almost here and a half. I basically raised my eight younger siblings. My dad was pretty absent.

I've always tried to make friends but she isolated us pretty good and everyone else always had big groups of people that they hung out with. I was raised on poverty level and I haven't been able to get past that as an adult even after going last year and getting my master's degree. I thought I'd made friends finally and found somebody I wanted to be with as a life partner, but it started falling apart starting about a year ago.

I'm worried that maybe I'm the one that's messed up. I've tried getting therapy but they always say I seem to have a good handle on everything. The person I thought was a friend lied and justified flirting outrageously to the guy I fell in love with when after we had a fight because he found out I was really broke. She justified all of it and now has or other male roommate bending over to kiss sheer feet as well as a new boyfriend. They're all getting to be really successful making all sorts of friends in the city where ywe all move dto to be roommates together. They've all basically been on vacation during quarantine and I have had to work nearly every day since we got here just paid my end of the bills. I work a pretty solitary job cuz it's all I can get hired for and I keep trying to make friends online or a little but I was out before quarantine. but they never seem to want us to stick around. I know I've made some mistakes since I've been here but I've tried to fix them and grow but they told me it wasn't good enough. My heart has been broken since New Years...

I couldn't afford to go anywhere for the holidays and was left alone in the house. Kinda for fun I put wrapping paper on other stuff in our joint pantry and on a door in each of their rooms. I told them I was going to pull a prank while they were gone but they got back and told me that I had violated their privacy and I was an awful person to be around and never positive. It's been really hard between not really talking to a lot of my family and losing him because we'd gotten to be really close. Social media isn't helping. And having to watch them get everything and have it easy and I think there's something wrong with me.

How do you tell if you're really not worth being around like everyone tells me I am? At what point do you check yourself into the hospital and write yourself off as being unfit for the world? How do you fix yourself and stop hurting?

Sorry, don't know what else to do it who to talk to.

Thanks.

[Goldcrest]

Hey there. You absolutely are deserving of love and happiness and can hold on to a relationship but speaking from my own experience it is hard. We have never been shown good stuff as children and for some of us the abuse and neglect so deep that getting close to someone is terrifying so we behave in ways that push people away. You might find you are naturally attracted to people who neglect you in similar ways to your mother so I wonder if the people you are living with aren't that nice. It's like we are hard wired to seek out familiar patterns. I always struggle to know what to say to people on the forums because we are all unique...so what works for me might not work for you. I think mindfulness is important so try and get a hold of the thoughts you have about yourself and others and question them, listen to what surfaces.

Also other peoples lives may look attractive and happy but often you'll find that most people feel they are lacking or missing something.

Anyway I didn't want to read and not respond.

[pursuingJoy]

Hi guineap  I'm glad you're here and trusted us enough to post about how you're feeling.

I'm worried that maybe I'm the one that's messed up.

I think most of us have felt this way. We have scars and wounds that are real. I agree with what Goldcrest said, you are worth it, and yes, sometimes we're drawn to people that affirm those crazy lies we were once told, and maybe still believe, at least on some level.

When you feel a strong emotion, pay attention to the story that comes with it. The story is usually something like, "I'm hard to be around" or "I'm unlovable."  This is called thinking your feelings. The goal is to feel your feelings. Stop focusing on that negative thought about yourself and instead just feel what's happening in your body - your chest is tight, fists clenched, whatever it is. Take a deep breath. Then allow the feeling. You'll want to go back to that story, but as much as possible, stay focused on feeling. This really helps me find my footing.

I've never had a therapist tell me that I had a handle on things, so I'm wondering if it might be a good idea to keep trying? I went through three before I found one that I liked.

We're here.
pj

[delia211]

Guineap, having a BPD parent definitely does not mean you'll never be able to have relationships.  Feelings of being broken or having missed the boat socially are definitely ones that I've shared, and are likely shared by many children of BPD parents.  I found a loving, supportive spouse, though it was a bit of a journey for me to get here.  Earlier in life I struggled more with feelings of not deserving anything and being drawn to relationships that felt "familiar" (i.e. people who mistreated me in similar ways as my BPD parent had).  It took some self-reflection and personal growth for me to recognize this and realize I deserved better, which led to me setting more personal boundaries for how others treated me and ultimately being drawn to and having relationships with companions who treated me better.  I'm glad to hear you have been to therapy and I think continuing would be a great way to help you accomplish this (if your past therapist wasn't helping, it may be good to find a new one who can).  In the meantime, you should look for friendships with people who support you and accept you for who you are instead of people who are putting you down and otherwise triggering your insecurities.  This will help you learn to trust others and gain more of an understanding of what healthy relationships look like.  I realize one cannot always find people like this right away, but don't give up hope!  Know that you are worth it, you are not broken, and good relationships are out there for you.

[zachira]

I think having a parent with BPD means we have to learn how to have healthy relationships. The fact that you are aware that you have a parent with BPD, shows that you are capable of self awareness and growth, and can have healthy relationships. There are so many courageous stories of members who are happily married and wonderful parents to their children, who are determined to not be like their parent with BPD.

[JNChell]

Don’t fret. You will be able to have relationships. Your inquiry shows that you have awareness. Coming back from, or navigating our way forward from people with personality issues can be a bit of a process. There can be a lot of ground to cover. Lovers, parents, abusers, etc. A very important part is landing in a place within yourself that is ready to explore those things. Looks like you’re there.

It’s easy to feel like we’re the ones that are messed up. We were raised to feel that way. If I may ask, what causes you to feel messed up?

If I read correctly, you’re thinking about checking yourself into a hospital to get away. I only know your situation by what you’ve typed here and I’m simply a peer. Before checking yourself into a hospital, maybe talk with a social worker privately about the home life. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.

On therapy, try to find a trauma specialist if you can.

Please keep us updated.

[Methuen]

Hi guineap
So much good stuff has been said here already, I kinda just want to echo all of the above.

I think it's pretty normal for us to worry that we're messed up.  That shows good self-awareness on all our parts.  It's what helps us analyze ourselves and others, problem solve, think and learn from experience, and grow to better ourselves.  Did your mom ever worry that she was messed up enough to seek therapy or find a support group (rhetorical question) and try to better herself as a person?  ...but you are!

How do you tell if you're really not worth being around like everyone tells me I am?

I like what Goldcrest said.  I can't say it any better, so instead I would just suggest re-reading it.  It's golden.

I told them I was going to pull a prank while they were gone but they got back and told me that I had violated their privacy and I was an awful person to be around and never positive.

Oh delia I can tell you are hurting, but everyone has had a prank go wrong.  Don't assume that because they said this, they are right.  Your prank sounds genuine and cute.  Maybe THEY were the problem, not you.  I tend to catastrophize a lot of things - done it my whole life - but now I'm more aware when I'm catastrophizing, and I'm able to STOP, and check myself, and remind myself that I'm catastrophizing.  I hope you can do that too.  You sound full of self-doubt here.  You've gone through a rough spell, you also sound on the lonely side, but please please try to start looking for things that build you up, instead of tearing yourself down.  So tomorrow, whether it's a beautiful flower in a park, a cute dog out for a walk, a chocolate truffle, or achieving a grad degree...make a list for all the things in your life so far that you are grateful for.  You can add to it each day.  The trick is to start seeing positive things, and not just the negative things.  

You are absolutely deserving of kindness and love.  We all are.  You WILL get through this tough spell, just like you have got through other tough spells in your life right?

You matter.  You are a worthy person, including real friendship, and romance.  The friend that was flirting with your boyfriend, and the boyfriend who kind of left you after finding out you didn't have a lot of money, aren't genuine relationships, because genuine friends feel good to be around.  There is no drama.  These people didn't make you feel good right?  They made you feel bad, so perhaps it was a blessing they are gone, even if it doesn't feel like it now.  Perhaps you dodged a bullet, when bf left...

Shot in the dark here...since you have a grad degree, you are likely a reader and a thinker, so might you be interested in joining a book club to meet new people?  Or join a volunteer organization (great way to meet new people, build a resume, and feel good about helping others!)?  If you are a painter - join a painting class - people with the same interest, just to meet new people...or yoga...or mindfulness classes...karate...or whatever interests you.  There are other people out there also looking for meaningful relationships, and some of them are waiting for you.  

My mom is BPD, and her 5 siblings have the same traits.  Some of them were/are more dysfunctional than my mom.  I'm 58, and happily married.  My husband stands by me even though he has a difficult MIL.  So yes, since you asked, we CAN have successful healthy relationships.  

We're here

[Turkish]

At what point do you check yourself into the hospital and write yourself off as being unfit for the world?

Do you feel that you are at a point where you need to check yourself in?

A decade ago, I was a mentor for at risk teens, all of whom came from dysfunctional families of varying degrees.  That's why they were there as they had only the context of living with dysfunction.  The coaches taught us,  "you don't know what you don't know," resulting in many confused looks and discussion, even amongst us adult mentors, most of us also from dysfunctional families. We became rescuers after all.   


My mother hung out with and chose many dysfunctional people over the years and thus my childhood was "colorful."

I was attracted to dysfunctional women for years. I didn't know what I didn't know.  I had no context other than what I had experienced.

My mom abandoned my in family therapy when I was 12. I was driving her illegally 50 miles to her job. She slept in the car after attacking me in the first and only joint session.

25 years later, she asked me, apropos of nothing, "do you remember that therapist I took you to when you were 12?" I felt my hackles rise and responded, "yes." She replied, "he told me that you were one of the most mature and well adjusted young men he'd ever met." I wanted to respond "THAT WOULD HAVE HELPED TO TELL ME THAT AT THE TIME." Yet I only grunted. It was kind of an apology of sorts.

A few years after that,  my ex abandoned me in couple's therapy.  I stayed with in and spent enough money for a luxury car down payment for him to tell me, "you're a Rescuer. So am I. My father was an alcoholic. It's ok to be a Rescuer. There is nothing wrong with you."

Darn. I could have bought that BMW 5 series...

I still resisted him and he even got almost angry.

I'd believe your T better than your friends. The hard struggle is to believe that or believe the learned (dysfunctional) scripts we were taught, and believed, because we don't know any better and don't know what we don't know. 

[guineap]

Thank you all for reaching out with your kind words and advice.

I just don't know what really to do anymore. It's so hard to think that I'm not the problem when everyone I've been around accepts the other roommates, gives them work, asks them to hang out, and they get ahead in life and they don't face any consequences for the way they treated me. And everyone says I shouldn't expect people to want to spend time with me because they have busy lives. I know I can't compete with all the other people in their lives, but I don't understand why I'm not worth anyone's time in their oh so busy successful lives.  Feel like no matter what I do or try it breaks, falls apart, or I get really hurt. That's why I've thought about the hospital. Not that I can afford any kind of help at the moment.

I try so hard not to bleed my past onto people and to try and be kind and listen and invite them, but they never reciprocate and I'm always the first thing to go in their lives (family included) and the first thing forgotten. Could literally disappear and no one would notice for at least a month when the utilities got shut off in the house cause they are in my name.

I'm trying all the things everyone says will help, but I'm still invisible and unwanted anywhere. I don't see the reason to keep going because I can't afford to help anyone else so I'm not useful even in a volunteer/donation sense. Like, literally I can't afford the gas to go volunteer. I'm trying to afford just going to the laundromat these days, but that's pushing it to go twice a month.

And that is where it is hard. I try and try and try - job applications daily, trying to reach out to new people or old people every other day, working when I get a shift, which is rare; while my roommates who had no money problems and friends when we got here got promotions and new friend groups within weeks while telling me I wasn't worth being around and treating each other like new bf/gf while I was around. It hurts so badly and I just don't want to keep going.

Watching everyone during quarantine who told me I should just accept being alone and be happy with it complain that they were alone has been like another gut punch. And the fact that most of the people I know still didn't financially struggle and had people throw them quarantine parties during it made it worse. I lost 2/3 of my income when it hit and got even more alone because of it. I just don't think I can keep doing it.

My T let me go when the virus hit and she was at a charitable organization which is all I could afford at the time. Every one keeps saying do online therapy but it starts at a cost of over a 1/3 of my current income and I can barely pay bills as it is.

Our house lease is coming up in two months and I'm scared because I can't afford any type of housing on my own and I've been reaching out and can't find new roommates. I think my current ones gossiped about me to the people in my industry and have basically made it so I can't get work and I can't get housing now. It is not fair that awful people get ahead and I have to suffer for caring about people.

I would welcome any suggestions you have as to what to do? I'm honestly ready to just go ask them to lock me up because of how everyone treats me - so I must be hurting for them to do this right?  I have asked a doctor at the free clinic for help, but she kinda brushed me off saying I seemed nice. I don't think it will ever change, no matter how hard I work on trying to be nice, kind and caring, so what do I do? I can't keep doing this and trying when I constantly get the same results. Since I'm the only constant in all the variables, it must mean I'm doing something not good, right?

Thank you for your help.

[Harri]

Hi guineap.   

I went through a long period where I was very depressed, down on myself, felt like a loser, much of what you describe here.  I wondered what was wrong with me, why everyone around me could do things I could not, why I was rejected etc.  It was a horrible place to be and I had no way to really get out.  I was in my late 20's, still living at home with my disordered parents, and tried to keep my work life very separate from my family life.  I was in a negative place with the angry, depressed and hurt voice in my head saying all sorts of nasty things.  It was like I could not stand being in my own skin.

What helped was reaching out in small ways.  Sort of like you are doing here.  I also made an appointment with a doctor and got on antidepressants which helped.  That is a possibility and many of them are less than $5/mo.  I also read some books that helped me relate to something.  The Metamorphosis by Kafka was one that helped me feel not alone, though it was not exactly uplifting   It gave me identity.  I was not able to read self help books as I had no privacy and no where to hide them so other books had to do.  I struggled a lot in my work relationships (co-workers, not patients or bosses... except for one).

I kept asking question (to myself) wondering what was different.  Aside from my history there really wasn't anything so I looked within and what i saw was that all my negative feelings were in fact spilling out in spite of my best efforts.  I don't mean yelling or anything but that level of despair is hard to hide.  People did not get it and would read it as me being a drain, a drag to be around and a whiner... even though I never actually said anything like it.  I don't know if that applies I just figured I would mention it to you.  The harder I tried, to be nice, kind, accepted, etc, the more they pulled away from me.  It was a horrible period of time and I am so sorry you are going through this.

It can get better though.
 
Talking here is good.  We also have the text line 741741, just text connect and you will answer a few questions and then be connected to a person you can text with.  There are also hotlines you can call.  I mention all of that because it is very easy to get into a belief pattern that no one cares and that you are alone... and you are not.  Eventually you can get to the point where you can get in person therapy and you will make even more progress.

I guess what I am trying to say is that this is temporary.  It sucks right now but it is temporary and you can change things.

When you say you 'just don't want to keep going', what do you mean?

Is it possible for you to rent a room rather than a house or apartment?  Maybe offer to do the cleaning or lawn work as part of payment?

 

[PearlsBefore]

Hello GuineaP, from one swine-themed username to another! 

That said, I'm going to take a slightly different approach from most of the responses and suggest...yeah, you're right, you are the common denominator in these scenarios so realistically there is a chance that you're contributing to some of the problems. I know support and validation ( ) are the "normal" response especially when somebody first opens up about their struggles, but sometimes we tend to over-do it to each other and not just to our loved ones with BPD. Blame Linehan.

That said, no I don't know that you're the problem - I don't you know very well (indeed, having read your post I'm still not entirely sure if you're female or male); but it's definitely worth investigating yourself as a suspect in some of the issues. (As much as it may be statistically likely you're involved in some, it's very unlikely you're involved in all). Keep in mind that BPD does have a strong genetic component, so parents-of-BPDs and children-of-BPDs often forget that they may be viewing things from an undiagnosed BPD perspective themselves (Though presumably a higher-functioning level than their loved one, since they're reading about it and asking questions, seeking help, etc; and often coloured by the fact whether they trigger inherited BPD or not depends on whether they were their mother's angel-child or devil-child).

As someone (Methuen?) said, it's definitely possible to have a relationship even if you have a BPD mother - but that will involve making "harsh" decisions about the amount of time you are willing to invest in her non-lifethreatening foibles and dramas. Realistically not many men/women are going to be interested in moving in with someone whose mother is constantly going to be around, with a rare exception for people who just think the aged in-law is the most delightful, pleasant and peaceful little kitchen helper ever...but that's not very likely with a BPD, right?

One other thing of which to be aware is that while BPD children of BPDs are out there looking for relationships, the non-BPD children of BPDs might have a (unhealthy) tendency to go looking for people in BPD-style distress as a romantic partner. As Freud says, we marry our mothers and fathers. If you're a non-BPD child, I'd recommend strongly trying to combat any such pull you feel - don't be the knight in shining armour, don't rush to save somebody in distress from themselves...try to start your own household without the insanity of that in which you were raised.

Best of luck to you on the boundary-setting, apologies if my answers were unclear or impolite.

[guineap]

Thank you for the feedback and no I didn't think anyone's answers were impolite. I don't want validation. I want answers as to what is wrong with me that no one in my life has ever picked me. I've scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist to try and figure it out.

I just want to know why I don't get to have friends or romantic partners. And to fix me.

I'm not in contact with my BPDm. But I know I get triggered by things, especially my female roommate who acts so much like her and the things she did to me with the guy friend I cared about.

I have tried making friends online and I try to talk to people, but I don't know what is wrong with me that I am the first thing to go. So I'm going to try and get help. Do you think that it's ever going to change? I'm trying to accept the no romantic partners thing - especially cause I'm not even remotely attractive but I'd like a friend at least. I just don't know what to change about me to have that.

I'd love suggestions if you have them.

Thanks.

[zachira]

Be patient with yourself. It has taken a long time to get where you are, and you are making tremendous progress in deciding what kind of people you want to surround yourself with. You are wondering how to attract the right kind of friends and partners. For most of my life, I either had the wrong kind of friends and partners or I pushed the right kind of people away because I was uncomfortable with healthy relationships. Keep working on being more compassionate and comfortable with yourself, and you will attract more and more of the right people into your life, while the people who are only going to hurt you will have less interest in you, as you develop healthier boundaries. For a long time, I struggled with constantly being given kind feedback by safe healthy people that though they liked me, some of my behaviors which were similar to my disordered family members, were not the ways that people who respect themselves behave. I eventually went to therapy, and I told the therapist I needed to grow up. I kept noticing that people who were youngest enough to be my children were way more mature than I was. It is a long journey to having the kind of life you want when you are abused by your family of origin. You will get there one step at a time. Small steps can be big steps, and result in feeling a lot happier and more secure. What are some small steps you feel you could take right now, that would help you to feel better?