Very Confused

[SpacingAnn]

Hi All. I am have been reading for quite some time but I am new to post.  I do not know a lot of the abbreviations yet but I am learning!  I believe my husband has BPD, but I am very confused.  I have read a lot of information and he does have many traits but as I keep reading, don't we all at times have SOME traits of BPD?  So with that, I am wondering, do I try and see if he will get help or can I navigate this on my own with help here.

We have been married for 16 years.  We have two children.  We have a wonderful life for the most part.  We are very compatible.  I love him dearly.  When we do fight, they are horrible fights.  He gets extremely mad but he bottles it up and I feel like any wrong word from me will set him completely off.  I retreat and try and leave him be.  He of course thinks I am abandoning him.  I am really not.  I just think he needs some space.  He is very paranoid and believes I am always "up to something."  I am not.  He believes I am the problem ALL the time.  I know I am not perfect, but can I be wrong ALL of the time?   Our life is great MOST of the time.  That is why I do not want to give up on him.  I know people with BPD need to be shown they are loved and cared for and I do try my best to show him that but sometimes I feel I compromise myself because I give in to keep the peace.  Where is the balance? 

My confusion is does he have BPD?  Do we just have poor communication?   Can you have a "healthy" relationship with someone who does have BPD traits?  And if so, what tools do I need to help us get through the times when he does "go off" without completely giving up myself and my boundaries? 

Any help is much appreciated. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JaneWrites]

Welcome! I'm pretty new here too. I've been married 17 years with 2 kids and just figured out the BPD thing with my husband.

The suspiciousness is something a lot of us are dealing with with BPD. I was accused of having an affair about 5 years ago. And he still isn't over thinking it. We went to a therapist, but had to stop because his dysregulated behavior would ramp up before a session because he didn't think the therapist listened to his infidelity theory enough and dismissed it and suggested he enter therapy himself, which implied he was the problem.

I'm accused of treachery all the time. He's on his laptop / phone ALL THE TIME and he thinks that my online activity is treachery. For awhile, if he came into the room aggressively while I was on my laptop, I would jump, which, of course, made me look more suspicious.

I do think that because you do have a great life together, I think once you learn some of the skills on handling these episodes and the time in between, that you will find a much better situation. They are looking for validation, so you can validate how awful it must be to feel the way he is feeling without validating the nonsense of what he is saying. And once you understand that these episodes are symptoms, then you don't take them personally so much anymore, you know what to expect, you can be more artful at handling them and preventing them.

[SpacingAnn]

Thank you for the response!  There seems to be a lot that I have to learn.  The suspiciousness really upsets me. I am truly devoted to him and our family.  He will get mad if I text my sister or my parents and we are having a texting conversation.  I show him who I am texting and tell him he can read the exchange but he just shrugs.  He will get extremely quiet if I do not give my full attention to him.  Sometimes I just want to talk to other people!  I am not doing anything problematic.  I try my best to keep the peace.  However, if there is something bothering him, He will just not let it go and he gets moody.  I just feel my life revolves around him and his moods at the time.  Fighting is his way and I just have to take a back seat to how he wants to handle the issue.  My needs are never met and because they are MY issues, they are non-issues. 

Like I said, I think it is worth trying to work this out.  The only thing I have a hard time handling is the fighting when it does happen.  I can accept his moods and controlling behavior. I have learned to live with those.  It's the fighting.  I never know when the next fight will come and what it will be about.  It just comes out of no where it seems and when it does, I never know if we will make it through it.  How do I learn to not make things worse without completely giving into him?