confused

[Beets]

Hi there,
I am going to make this quick, if I can.

I won't get into the feelings I grew up with in relationship to my mother.
In adulthood though, I found she was overly controlling, flew into rages with me, silent treatments and more. I never saw self-harm other than speaking about herself as one would with low self-esteem. I have often felt that I was guiding her, than she guiding me. A couple years ago, I was describing an interaction I had with my mother and the therapist asked "I wonder if she has BPD". I had never heard of this and the more I looked into it, I believed that she had/has this disorder.

Recently, I was chatting with her on video chats and telling her
about my son, who has a trigger hair temper. I was telling her that it is a big challenge to parent him. A few days later, she sent me an article about children/adults who are highly sensitive. After reading the article, I am thoroughly confused. I would say that if she does have BPD, she is high functioning. She doesn't rant unless she knows you for awhile. She often boils/ruminates over things and explodes out of the blue. It seems like her anger spurts out of her like a volcano. I have never felt like I could say what I feel or be myself, without her becoming angered or breaking down in angry tears.
And, yet, this could be the face of a highly sensitive person. She has often talked about herself in this way. When BPD crossed my path, it came as a relief. It helped explain years of confusion and upset, thinking that I was the problem.

I am just trying to hear from others about highly functioning BPD and highly sensitive people (HSP). Some sites state that those with BPD rage anywhere, whereas HSPs will disclose in private.

Either way, what difference does any of this make? I believe she still needs therapeutic help. I find it difficult to see her. I have become empathic towards her and feel sorry for her, more than anything, knowing that her childhood was less than ideal.
I want her in my life, because of my children needing to know their grandparents. And yet, it is a tricky balance to maintain a relationship with her, when she doesn't like my husband (brutish and unkind, in her opinion) and I do not feel I can be myself. (There are many folks who feel this way about their families, so I am not seeing myself as unique).
Thanks for any input.
Beet

[Turkish]

 You want to share with your parent about your own parenthood, and this is normal. Yet you might want to set your own personal boundaries on how much to share.

My 10 year old son was Dx'd with ASD1, like what they used to call Asperger's.

Three years ago, when my mom was living with us, then S7 has an epic meltdown over me not buying him ice cream. He kicked the back of my sear in my car and was yelling. I had a hard time myself and when we got home, sent him to his room. Half and hour later, he came out, right as rain. My mom went to walk in a literal light rain for half an hour, returning soaked. Her grandson triggered her to flee.

Maybe that night, or one soon after, my mom and I were smoking on the back porch. Apropos of nothing,  she said that the problem with kids these days was that parents weren't hard enough on them. I knew she was taking about her grandson. In that moment, I was glad that I wasn't an Aspie. My mom's solution in my childhood was to smack the crap out of me or spank (first with hands, then a belt) over... whatever. I often went to school in tears. Until I refused to cry...

Parent your son with love, even if he's a challenge, and trust your own love. My kids are 8 and 10 and I'm currently at the age my mom was when I moved out at 18. I trust myself. Trust yourself and your good husband to provide healthy feedback.

[curious quandary]

Hi beets,

Welcome!

I am interested in the comparison of HSP to BPD as well and have done some reading on both.

I've often wondered if I am a HSP. I try to avoid "loud" environments of all types - sight, sound, emotionally charged (even if it's just a TV show), etc. I cut the tags on all of my clothes because they drive me insane. The world exhausts me. I don't rage though, I'm more of the shutting down type.

I could see how an overwhelming environment could be too much for your son. He doesn't know how to manage those intense feelings. It must be tough for you because you love him and hate to see him so upset. 

My mom has BPD. She's undiagnosed but there's little doubt in my mind. Both my and my sister's therapists have agreed that her behavior fits the pattern, while saying that they couldn't formally diagnose without talking to her.

I have never felt like I could say what I feel or be myself, without her becoming angered or breaking down in angry tears.

Yup, I feel the same way, especially when it comes to expressing my negative emotions.

I don't know for certain, but I think that the difference between HSP/BPD might be that a HSP's sensitivity comes from an overactive nervous system and a BPD's sensitivity comes from a deep seated fear/feeling of rejection. I think trying to understand the situation that resulted in a meltdown (both your mom and son) might give you a better sense of what is going on.