Husband with trauma? BPD? Just need support.

[Fishtail]

Hi, I am posting, finally, because I just feel I need a little community outside of my two closest girlfriends to talk to about my challenges at home. I love my husband. I don't want to leave. He had a yucky childhood and I noticed anger in him when we first were dating, and I knew he had substance use issues in the past. Anyhow, we have been married 7 years, have two beautiful children, and it has been the hardest, most painful relationship I have been in. He is also someone, who when he is doing well (or well-ish) is exactly the partner I always wanted. That said, it is pure hell at times. The blaming, criticizing, raging is wild. He has never self harmed, or threatened, but I do think he probably fights those thoughts. I am a therapist and I feel clinically aware after all these years of what is happening, but I just need to talk sometimes. I take pretty good care of myself, have some really solid relationships with friends, love my work, and generally really love my life. It's this insane roller coaster I am on! I have thought about leaving many times, which I know has been so painful for him (but the only thing that got him to therapy), but I worry about his ability to cope without the marriage. He is the primary caretaker of our children (and a pretty darn great dad- he has worked really hard to NOT do what his mom did)- and I don't want their connection to their dad to suffer if he cannot cope with life after divorce. Anyways, that's a bit about my story and I would just like to connect with folks who are in a similar boat. Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

Hi Fishtail!  Just want to say hi and welcome  Thanks for introducing yourself. I'm glad you're here.

I can relate to so much. My H and I are very compatible, also married for 7 years, and we have fun together. He has a BPD mom and bears some BPD traits, if not BPD. Things got to a really bad point last year when I tried to set a boundary with his mom. We started marriage counseling, which is on hold at the moment due to the pandemic.

Does anything in particular trigger his rages? How is counseling working?

[Mutt]

Hi Fishtail,



I'd like to join pursuingJoy and welcome you to the family. I'm sorry for the circumstances that led you to our site here but I am glad that you decided to join us. There is hope.

Many members here can relate with your story and offer you guidance and support. It sounds like you're taking very good care of yourself and that it might be hard for your friends to make the connection with you with your issues because they may not have a pwBPD in their lives ( person with BPD )

Reading your post reminded me exactly of how my marriage was with a uBPDex ( undiagnosed ) with the rapidly shifting highs and lows that make you feel like you're on an emotional rollercoaster. I used to feel like I had a knot in my stomach not knowing what was around the corner next. Thanks for sharing that and thanks for joining our family