Morbid Thoughts - First Time Poster

[Sylfine]

I wish my mother were dead.  There, I said it.

Hi, this is the first post about my situation.  A few weeks ago, I had an incident with my mother on the phone, combined with the texts a couple days later, and it was the turning point I needed to figure out what was going on.  When I discovered BPD and it was like a light bulb went off, a weight fell off my shoulders, and my world made sense for once.  For reference, I am a 38YO F.  I had always thought I was the problem, until my H made me realize I had been gaslit my whole life.  And the guilt?  My uBPD mother would say "If you're feeling guilty, then you must have something to feel guilty about".  I'm trying to have empathy for her, now that I realize she has this disorder, but it's so hard.  She's definitely high-functioning.  Most other people love her.  Her students adore her.  She doesn't show "the crazy" to anyone outside the family.  I tried to point out things she did when I was younger but people didn't believe me because she was so likeable.  Or "oh it wasn't that bad".  And for years I ended up believing this.  I have terrible anxiety and dread every time the phone rings, or my text notifications go off now because I'm trying to create boundaries and she is not having it.  I'm trying to work through the steps; trying to remember to not JADE.  "Surviving a Borderline Parent" has been a great book for me. 

And this group,  just want to say thank you to everyone here.  It's a relief to know I'm not alone.  I don't know if my post made sense; I know I'm kind of rambling.
 Thanks for letting me vent.

[Goldcrest]

You are not alone and I can certainly understand that first sentence because I know it would bring me a great deal of relief to not be living under the weight of shame, guilt and relentless gloom.

Posting here when you need validating really helps. Even just reading the posts when I feel myself starting to spiral or get buried in horrendous guilt helps. You are reminded that you are not dealing with a rational, consistent personality. 

[Mata]

You are not the only one, I too have thought it will be a relief when my BPDmom passes away.  It's an uncomfortable emotion, but one that is understandable.

I also share that dread and anxiety from phone calls/texts.  One of my coping strategies has been to mute my mom's contact on my phone.  She's not blocked, I still get the texts/calls.  But my phone is silent when she contacts me.  I've found it helpful to read her texts/listen to voicemail only once a day, when I am home after work.  She had to adjust to me not responding immediately, but now she is used to it.  It has bought me some peace of mind, especially at work.   

[Turkish]

Most people knew my mom marched to a different drummer, but she was interesting and likeable enough. Only those closest to me who saw how I grew up knew better. Even so, I still kind of liked my mom, even if I felt that I didn't love her. 

I think that both "versions" of your mom may be true. My therapist, speaking more about my ex, called it a "Dis-integrated" personality. We all have our days and moods, but a well integrated person is mostly stable.

In the book Understanding The Borderline Mother, the author states that for a pwBPD, "lying feels like survival," to pick out one behavior among many (lying isn't a trait of BPD, but it can be a common dysfunctional coping mechanism).

[zachira]

My mother with BPD died last summer. I have a sister with NPD and a brother with BPD. You are not alone in just wanting to not have to deal with your disordered family member any more and sometimes wishing this type of person would die. You are also not alone in dealing with the frustration of how your disordered family member is able to fool outsiders, and it  seems nobody understands how badly you are treated when there are no witnesses. This is especially overwhelming when the disordered family member is your mother.
You may find this hard to believe yet there are people who likely get it; it is just those people have no interest in being around a person who is performing, pretending to be a nice person. In my experience growing up with a mother with BPD, there were people who were kind to me and felt sorry for me, who did not like my mother at all and were not her friends. Have you ever noticed how your mother responds when someone does not buy her nice person act?
With my mother with BPD and my disordered siblings, I have found it works most of the time to have people around that they want to look good in front of.
We are here to listen and support you. Do let us know how we can be the most helpful. We have many members who have similar challenges with a mother with BPD.

[Sylfine]

You are not alone and I can certainly understand that first sentence because I know it would bring me a great deal of relief to not be living under the weight of shame, guilt and relentless gloom.

Posting here when you need validating really helps. Even just reading the posts when I feel myself starting to spiral or get buried in horrendous guilt helps. You are reminded that you are not dealing with a rational, consistent personality. 

You hit the nail on the head.  It's really sad.  If I'm doing everything she wants me to, then everything is rainbows and roses with how she treats me.  The second I think for myself or do/say something she doesn't like - switch flipped.  When I wasn't married, and I had nothing "keeping me from her", I didn't have the anxiety nearly as much.  It's only now that I am sticking up for myself and finally putting up boundaries that I have the constant dread of talking with her because I don't know when the switch will be flipped.  Most of a conversation?  Fine, normal even.  But then she blindsides me.  Followed by back to "normal".  I feel like I just sat through a tornado.  It's so hard to hold your ground when you just want others to be happy.  But I can't control her happiness.  I need to live for myself.  Thanks for the virtual hug  Most appreciated 

[Sylfine]

I think that both "versions" of your mom may be true. My therapist, speaking more about my ex, called it a "Dis-integrated" personality. We all have our days and moods, but a well integrated person is mostly stable.

I think you may be right.  I'm going to look into this more.  Thank you!

[Sylfine]

Have you ever noticed how your mother responds when someone does not buy her nice person act?
With my mother with BPD and my disordered siblings, I have found it works most of the time to have people around that they want to look good in front of.
We are here to listen and support you. Do let us know how we can be the most helpful. We have many members who have similar challenges with a mother with BPD.

Oh yeah!  She does not like it when someone sees through her.  There's something wrong with them in that case (according to her): they're manipulative, controlling, a bad person.  Learning about BPD and the black/white thinking was mind-blowing for me. 

Right now, having a place to vent and others who understand is so helpful.  I am so grateful that this community exists.  You all are wonderful regarding this.  Thank you

[Goldcrest]

If I'm doing everything she wants me to, then everything is rainbows and roses with how she treats me.  The second I think for myself or do/say something she doesn't like - switch flipped.

Yes and when the switch gets flipped and I have a really bad response which I know is connected to all the trauma carefully gaslighted away from my childhood. My mother will occasionally say (when in full victim mode) that she knows she was a bad mother but then the pause comes...at which point I am to say "no mum you weren't". If I don't respond in this way all hell breaks loose and before you know it you are the one that has ruined her life...it is mental. My dad is an enabler so he will back her up to save his arse. I can be in a state for days after one of these conversations but then finally find the courage to speak to her and she'll behave like nothing had happened and all is well.

What is your dad like Sylfine?

You can't control her happiness Sylfine. That has been the hardest thing for me to accept because she thinks I can. She thinks if I was more this or more that she would be happy. The amount of criticism she has for me, my dad, my brother and close friends is astounding. Nothing anyone does is good enough.

I think it is very hard to sever the cord but if you can hold on to the fact that you are not dealing with a normal, rational human and come here to vent when it gets too much then we all have your back.

[Sylfine]

Yes and when the switch gets flipped and I have a really bad response which I know is connected to all the trauma carefully gaslighted away from my childhood. My mother will occasionally say (when in full victim mode) that she knows she was a bad mother but then the pause comes...at which point I am to say "no mum you weren't". If I don't respond in this way all hell breaks loose and before you know it you are the one that has ruined her life...it is mental. My dad is an enabler so he will back her up to save his arse. I can be in a state for days after one of these conversations but then finally find the courage to speak to her and she'll behave like nothing had happened and all is well.

What is your dad like Sylfine?

You can't control her happiness Sylfine. That has been the hardest thing for me to accept because she thinks I can. She thinks if I was more this or more that she would be happy. The amount of criticism she has for me, my dad, my brother and close friends is astounding. Nothing anyone does is good enough.

I think it is very hard to sever the cord but if you can hold on to the fact that you are not dealing with a normal, rational human and come here to vent when it gets too much then we all have your back.

Wow.  It's so relieving to hear this from someone else.  It's like there is a BPD script they all use.

I feel bad for my dad.  He's my stepdad to be exact but I consider him my dad.  He's older than her and in poor health.  My sister, H, and I hate the way she treats him but he won't do anything about it.  At this point, I think he'd rather just not be alone when he dies.  I don't fault him for that.  No one wants to die alone.  He doesn't back her up, but he does want me to smooth things over.  He has his own issues to deal with.

Gosh I feel so much better with this thread.  Can't thank you enough.

[Methuen]

If I don't respond in this way all hell breaks loose and before you know it you are the one that has ruined her life...

Bingo!  The first few years, every time this happened to me I felt like I had been hit by a truck.  How do you reason with unreasonable?  How can a mother possibly twist things to accuse her daughter of the things she herself is feeling?

Sadly it took me forever to understand you can’t reason with unreasonable.

Coming to understand  BPD helped me see that.

As for wishing our mother’s were dead- well I get the sentiment.  For me it’s not really hateful or resentful, but sometimes I wonder if it would end her suffering.  My mom is 84 with complex health issues and refusing a wait list offer for assisted living.  For me it’s like waiting for the train wreck to happen.   I do worry about how it will all feel after mom’s  gone.  I’ve heard from a cousin it doesn’t get any better.

You have lots of company, and are definitely not alone.

[JaneWrites]

I hear you. I'm mainly dealing with my husband but my MIL is also BPD according to my diagnosis. She is an award-winning teacher (retired) and all her old students love her. So I connect with that detail for sure. I think my FIL was NPD and a professor. Same thing with him!

My husband was scarred by both and now inflicts damage in our household.

I understand your sentiment. I have thought it. It seems it shouldn't be that hard not to be a jerk.