Filing Protective order with children involved. Need feedback please. Part 3

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Good job sending this to the DA.  At this point probably wise to wait until you get a copy of the report and that report will "prove" the date of arrest.

Then reach out to legal aid again and let them know you "feel threatened" because even after the arrest for DV he is still saying such things, so it's imperative that filings and custody orders get done ASAP, before something happens at daycare.

Likely a good idea to have daycare put in the order and prevent him from coming within xx feet of the daycare or something like that.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

Good job sending this to the DA.  At this point probably wise to wait until you get a copy of the report and that report will "prove" the date of arrest.

Then reach out to legal aid again and let them know you "feel threatened" because even after the arrest for DV he is still saying such things, so it's imperative that filings and custody orders get done ASAP, before something happens at daycare.

Likely a good idea to have daycare put in the order and prevent him from coming within xx feet of the daycare or something like that.

Best,

FF

[Frankee]

Then reach out to legal aid again and let them know you "feel threatened" because even after the arrest for DV he is still saying such things, so it's imperative that filings and custody orders get done ASAP, before something happens at daycare.

Likely a good idea to have daycare put in the order and prevent him from coming within xx feet of the daycare or something like that.

Thak you  

We have it being put into the protective order that he isn't allowed to come by my home, place of work, school, or the daycare.

[Frankee]

It's a little upsetting.  The DA since there was no threats of domestic violence in the texts, that it's not really a threat.  It may sound harassing, but it really isn't.  It's a little frustrating.  I know him.  When he is trying to manipulate things, he is calm and collected and watches what he says.  It's only when he gets angry is when he loses control and starts threatening.

[formflier]

That certainly is disappointing.

I encourage you to keep going with the process and keep up the documentation.

Sometimes a piece of "evidence" won't stand on its own, but put together with other evidence tells a very compelling story.  Keep up the work!

Best,

FF

[Frankee]

He sent me a message yesterday.  Trying to figure out where I'm staying.  Kept saying don't get mad.  Trying to figure out if this "place" is keeping me from seeing the boys.  Then asking me if I have PTSD.  I didn't respond to any of it.  He asked if he could talk to the boys today and I just replied "Tonight".

My mom has COVID and pneumonia.  My dad took her to the hospital two days ago. They transferred her to a different hospital with specialists.  It was 5 days, not they are expecting to have her in there for 3-4 weeks.  My dad is really broken up.  He wasn't able to say bye to her or give her a hug when they went to the hospital.  They hurried her off while my dad signed the paperwork and then had to wait in the van and then they told him they were admitting her.  He's scared that he could lose her and he wouldn't of been even to be able to say bye.  Just typing that out makes me tear up.

I am trying to stay positive for him and keep myself busy.  I'm not telling my exbph.  I already know him.. he would use that as a way to prey on my emotions and try to pretend like he's here for me and wants to support me.  I'm not telling him anything.  I refuse to let him know I am having a hard time because he will just make it worse.

[formflier]

 
Oh my...COVID and pneumonia.   

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. 

What can you do today that is extra special for you?

Best,

FF

[Frankee]

Oh my...COVID and pneumonia.   

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. 

What can you do today that is extra special for you?

Thank you for the prayers. 

Just trying to stay positive and know that she's in good hands.  Staying focused on my goals is helping me deal with it. 

I have a lead on an apartment complex.  I was honest about my income situation and they are a "tax credit" apartment place.  It looks really nice in the pictures.  2 bedroom, 2 bathrooms.  I am going to go there after my doctor appointment.  I am trying not to get too excited, but it's the first real lead I've have on housing.  I have called so many different apartment complexes and have been turned down or they are for senior living.  I am gathering every and all paperwork I can think of.  I might even throw in the fact I am enrolled in the college to become a nurse.  I'm going to go to the complex looking professional like I would for a job interview.  First impressions are important and I want them to see me as a potential good tenant.

I'm still holding firm on my path and waiting patiently for the PO and legal aid to call me. 

Fingers crossed.

[formflier]

they are a "tax credit" apartment place.  

Yes yes..triple yes.  My fingers are crossed for you.

It's so interesting how people's lives criss cross on these boards.  Just after I retired from the Navy I was a "county manager" for a while.  One of my proudest achievements was getting one of these tax credit apartments to locate in my county. 

It was the first one and was/is really nice.  Prior to that we only had traditional public housing.

https://www.enterprisecommunity.org/financing-and-development/new-markets-tax-credits#:~:text=Investors%20get%20a%2039%20percent,in%20the%20final%20four%20years.

Good plan on how you are going to present yourself!

Best,

FF

[Frankee]

I know I keep wandering from the inital topic, but I just figured something out.  Last couples days or so, I thought I heard the truck drive by and then someone honk.  I work on a main street where I know he has to drive by to go to his work.  Once I swore I saw the truck and I was like.. nah.. I'm imagining it.  It happened today.  I heard a rumble and then someone honking.  I turned around to look out the window and right as I turned around, I see his truck go by.  Next day I work, on my lunch break, I may go out there and watch for him and video record it.  It would just sound crazy if I told the DA that without any proof.

[GaGrl]

Frankee, I just saw the news about your mom. I'm so sorry. I will be holding you and your family in my heart.

You are doing the right things right now. I'm excited about the apartment possibility -- that is a major plus.

Stay strong. We believe in you.

[ForeverDad]

Frankee, so sorry to hear about your mother's illness.  I had pneumonia a few weeks ago but fortunately negative for COVID-19 so the hospital let me go.  (I went in for coughing up pink so I thought it was my heart again but they said it was my lungs.)  I know what I would use if I did have it, but sadly I probably should go into details since less expensive remedies have become so politicized.

I am currently taking elderberry with zinc and vitamin D since my state almost banned use of hydroxychloriquine and even so I'd have to jump through hoops to get it, well, unless I was going to travel to a malaria-prone region of the world.  Elderberry is also a natural substitute to help zinc to get into cells.  But your mother is probably advanced into the second stage where the primary issue is not the virus anymore but the body's immune overreaction requiring different angles of attack such as with steroids to reduce the inflammation.  (I'm not a doctor but since I'm high risk category I've educated myself.)

[Cat Familiar]

I’ll keep you in my prayers for your mother and for getting the apartment. 
Cat

[Frankee]

Thank you for the prayers.  My mom got plasma treatment and it seems like it helped her out immensely.  I am hoping that the effort I am putting into getting the apartment will pay off and they just tell me no.  It really is hard to find a nice apartment complex that doesn't cost more than I make in one paycheck and will work with me on my requirements.

Here's hoping.

[Frankee]

Okay.. calling all reinforcements again Lol.  Ever since I figured out that nutcase has been driving by my job and honking his horn.. everytime he does it, it makes me want to punch him and my eyeball twitch.  Just a recap.

Starting last week.  I heard a car honking and I was like, okay.. somebody was being an idiot on the street.  Second day.. I swore I saw his truck.. and I thought, nah.. I'm imagining it.  The third time it happened, I knew it was him and I told my girl friend what he was doing.  I haven't said anything to him about it.  However!  I am back here at work and he did it again.  I heard the honking of his truck and I turned around and I saw him drive by.

Should I call him out on it?  I can't record it because he does it when I am working, not on lunch.  Should I ignore it?  It's really aggraviting to ignore it when I KNOW it's him.  He knows what he is doing and he is doing it on purpose.  I can't do anything about him driving down the street because it is a main road where everybody drives up and down the street. 

I feel like if I call the police and report it, I will just sound like a crazy paranoid woman without proof.  Then not even 5 minutes later he messages me with his mailing address and tells me to have a good day.  This is why I am about two seconds from telling him off.

[I Am Redeemed]

This is one of those things that you may not be able to do much about. If you were to call the police, they may not have grounds to do anything without a protective order in place (i.e., a court order that says he may not come within so many feet of your place of employment). Even with a court order, you are correct that it's a public road and it may be hard to enforce without concrete proof.

However, lets look at it from a different angle. His motive for doing it may be just to let you know that he is there because he can't abide being ignored. It isn't harming you or threatening you. It's aggravating and your focus on it is making it more aggravating. I would suggest you not acknowledge it to him at all, but also document it in a journal and see if you can get witnesses besides yourself to confirm that it is him. Write it down each day that he does it. It may not be actionable in and of itself, but it may give weight and clarity to an overall pattern of stalkerish behavior in the long run.

When he does it, try thinking to yourself that he's just adding to your list of documentation instead of perceiving it as something he's doing to get under your skin. Changing your perception of it might help you feel less reactive. When you hear that horn, think "ok, one more checkmark on the list that just helps my case."

[Frankee]

However, lets look at it from a different angle. His motive for doing it may be just to let you know that he is there because he can't abide being ignored. It isn't harming you or threatening you. It's aggravating and your focus on it is making it more aggravating. I would suggest you not acknowledge it to him at all, but also document it in a journal and see if you can get witnesses besides yourself to confirm that it is him. Write it down each day that he does it. 

This is why I am glad I post on here    Real perspective for dealing with people like this.  I think that will be a good idea.  Mark it down everytime he does it.  I really felt that if I told him I knew what he was doing, he would realize it's working and he's getting my attention and that I am allowing my emotions to control my response.  No response is a response.  Ugh.. frustrating still.  It's like when the kids are like.. he's touching me.. no I'm not (while they are waving their fingers a few inches from the other child's face), then that child reacts to the one waving his fingers and smacks him.. then they annoying child cries.. he hit me!

I actually wrote the dates in the notes column for my planner.  Can see how many he racks up.  Even my casework said that the police technically can't do anything, but to report it, just so there will be a record of it.  I feel like what is aggravating, is he is doing this whole behavior after the fact he got arrested from assault. 

He has been trying very very hard to convince me that he isn't going to do anything.  That he could of, but he hasn't.  What I am on guard for is that snap.  Right now he thinks I am just hiding, afraid, and untrusting.  He even told me he know I am staying at the shelter and he doesn't care.  I have not told him that and not said anything to confirm it.  Last year he completely went nuts and told me he would burn the place down.  He may suspect I am, but even if he does, he probably doesn't know it's several towns over since I still am working at the same place. 

[ForeverDad]

Do a search here on the phrase "negative engagement" which is often mentioned here.  Even if he can't contact you, well, a much as before, he is still trying to engage you.  (And you already know that trying to reason doesn't succeed either.)  Yes, it's hard to not react or overreact but that's what he's trying to do, goad you or bait you into a reaction.  And if you do overreact then he'll just point at you and say you're the problem.

However you act or react - or not - don't overreact.

[Frankee]

Do a search here on the phrase "negative engagement" which is often mentioned here.  Even if he can't contact you, well, a much as before, he is still trying to engage you.  (And you already know that trying to reason doesn't succeed either.)  Yes, it's hard to not react or overreact but that's what he's trying to do, goad you or bait you into a reaction.  And if you do overreact then he'll just point at you and say you're the problem.

However you act or react - or not - don't overreact.

That was an amazing suggestion.  The first paragraph I read about it was like a lightbulb in my head.  My exbph is extremly good as negative engagement.  Reading the short article in really makes you see how often negative engagement is used.  Sometimes in a fashion that is subtle that is seems common. 

He did ask a question about the kids and a storm coming through.  Wanted to know if I had storm precautions on place.  I replied with a very short response saying yes and the boys will be safe.  He then replied with some nonsense about how he wished we could get past this tension, how he just wants to get along, how he hates it being like this, how he feels like the boys aren't his sons anymore.  I rolled my eyes and grumbled to myself.  I didn't respond at all, but I thought.. be uncomfortable, not my place to make you feel better or validate any of your concerns.  I know he is fishing for some kind of comfort and I am not going to give him anything.

[worriedStepmom]

We're in the cone of uncertainty for the storm too.  Glad you have a safety plan. 

[Frankee]

I am slightly disappointed.  I hear back from the legal aid about my case.  She informed me that since I am not established in the county of residency, they can't help me.  I explained I was in a DV shelter and they said until I have permanent residency, they will have to put services on hold.  Which really stinks.  There is another legal aid that I am going to get an application for and I asked my caseworker about it.  I am worried that it might be the same situation.  I am still going to apply, but I am not getting my hopes up. 

It really makes me think about how many women in the shelter in the same situation.  How many women can't get legal assistance because they don't have permanent residency.  Then the housing assistance list is months long..  So these women are stuck in shelters, not able to get legal assistance, not able to get housing for months.  I am trying not to get down, but it's really disappointing.  It means that my divorce is just going to longer than I want.  I am trying to be patient, but I really want something started so I can show I'm not just sitting around on my hands.  I talked to my caseworker and if the other legal aid assistance denies for whatever, I am basically on my own.  Which isn't a new concept to me, but just frustrating.  I feel the only thing the DV shelter is providing is a roof over my head.  Everything else I have pretty much done on my own.  I guess I shouldn't be too upset.  At least I have a place to stay that is safe and free from him.