H is newly diagnosed - I am so conflicted - help

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I have posted a few times before, but never seem to be able to stay here on bpd family. As the outburst has died down it calms at home, for a small time.
H has finally been diagnosed, after me suggesting it could be BPD.
He will be receiving therapy to support him, but I am feeling so conflicted. I am angry and resentful for the time and relationships he has stolen from me, and the abuse he has caused me and my children. I truly believe that we all shouldn't be spending another minute around all this confusion.
The mom guilt is huge, neither choice seems fair. 
Surely they deserve better right now and while it's good for our children to see him improving (which could take years), they are also living in a completely unstable environment, that could effect who they become?
Or do they see me choose to "give up" on my marriage because he has mental health issues.

They are 11, 12 & 14, so very much odd enough to feel hurt by every single part of this.
I feel so alone
 

[Diddle]

So I have posted a few times before, but never seem to be able to stay here on bpd family. As the outburst has died down it calms at home, for a small time.
H has finally been diagnosed, after me suggesting it could be BPD.
He will be receiving therapy to support him, but I am feeling so conflicted. I am angry and resentful for the time and relationships he has stolen from me, and the abuse he has caused me and my children. I truly believe that we all shouldn't be spending another minute around all this confusion.
The mom guilt is huge, neither choice seems fair. 
Surely they deserve better right now and while it's good for our children to see him improving (which could take years), they are also living in a completely unstable environment, that could effect who they become?
Or do they see me choose to "give up" on my marriage because he has mental health issues.

They are 11, 12 & 14, so very much odd enough to feel hurt by every single part of this.
I feel so alone
 

[pursuingJoy]

Hi Diddle 

I divorced when my kids were 1, 3 and 5. They're now 15, 17 and 19. Your note about mom-guilt really struck a nerve with me. I get it. It's so hard to watch your kids suffer because of decisions you make, or when people that are supposed to protect them actually hurt them. Big hug to you.

Surely they deserve better right now and while it's good for our children to see him improving (which could take years), they are also living in a completely unstable environment, that could effect who they become?

Or do they see me choose to "give up" on my marriage because he has mental health issues.

No matter what you choose, your children will have things to work through. They're learning to deal with conflict by watching you. Model self-care. Equip your kids with the tools they'll need to heal, grieve and overcome.

My counselor told me once that I shouldn't make any decisions until I was fully at peace with the choice. You don't have to decide anything until you're certain it's the right call. For today, breathe and know that you're not at all alone.

[Diddle]

Persuingjoy
I can’t tell you how much your reply means to me, thank you.
Every snippet of advice is helping me feel stronger and more in control. You’re so right. I hope you’re doing well yourself

[Cat Familiar]

No matter what choice you make regarding your relationship, there will be loss. It's very sad and unfortunate, but inevitable with a partner who has a mental illness. 

How to mitigate that sorrow and loss? That's the question.

You feel angry and resentful for the time and relationships you've lost. How can you reclaim your own personal time and perhaps restore those relationships or develop new friendships that could be fulfilling?

It's a challenge to learn how we can restore emotional health to our own lives while living with a partner with BPD. In doing so, you will be modeling a behavioral strategy that will serve your children well, as certainly they will encounter people with mental illness later in their lives.

[Diddle]

Cat Familiar
yes you are so right. My approach to the outbursts previously as the children were growing up, was to not do anything that could possibly upset my uBpdH at all, and brush over any situations that arose, or take the children out. Now they have got to an age where they are all knowing.

I felt they needed to see me standing up for myself and them. (I didn't know it was bpd then) so I stood up for myself, confronted him calmly, and stood up for the children if he verbally attacked them too. This has only made things worse, but I refused to let them think it was ok for him to speak to us that way.

I agree they will come across others with mental health issues, and likely have their own, and I want them to approach it was compassion, but also to know if that person is abusing them, its not ok.

I am working on creating time for myself once the world returns to some routine. We both work from home which doesn't help, and me suggesting I go anywhere for myself, normally comes with an interrogation and lots of questions to answer from H. So knowingly causing an argument or distress is not easy for me (but I know I feel that way, because he made me feel like that for a long time)

Even finding time to look on here, is full of worry, as he wants to know everything, and makes a point of looking at me screen when asking me to explain what I'm doing.

I am working on making myself feel strong and calm at home for my boys, so they have some security in me. I look forward to them having school to return to, so they have an escape from the atmosphere around us.

[formflier]

So...please confirm he was diagnosed with BPD?

As a result of that diagnosis he is going to?

Same for you?

Best,

FF

[Diddle]

Formflier

Yes he has been diagnosed last week by our Doctors Mental Health team, along with depression and anxiety.

He starts antidepressants this week and has been told he will receive counselling/therapy

[Diddle]

see how I struggled with the "same for you" question.

So I plan to find a therapist I can see on my own, but like many people this will be a challenge as me going anywhere takes a conversation and a half.

All of our children are at secondary school this September so I literally have no reason to leave the house. We both work from home.

But I know it's something i need to do. I guess it's part of the boundaries discussion? but undoing the protective way I have been living is going to take doing 

[formflier]

  I guess it's part of the boundaries discussion?

In what way?

Do I understand it right that he said something along the lines of "If I have to go to counseling, you have to go."?

Best,

FF

 

[pursuingJoy]

We both work from home which doesn't help, and me suggesting I go anywhere for myself, normally comes with an interrogation and lots of questions to answer from H. So knowingly causing an argument or distress is not easy for me (but I know I feel that way, because he made me feel like that for a long time)

Are you saying it's not easy to ask for something, because of the way he makes you feel about the ask? Why do you think it bothers him?

Setting boundaries with people who aren't used to them often makes them angry at first. The anger dissipates as they receive consistent messages, get used to it, or see it's not something to be afraid of. Understanding the pattern often takes the sting out. His emotions are his responsibility.

This pandemic really makes it hard to care for yourself. You're writing to us here, that's a start. What are other small things you can do to lift your spirits?

I am working on making myself feel strong and calm at home for my boys, so they have some security in me.

You're doing great, mama. Hang in there.  

[Diddle]

In what way?

Do I understand it right that he said something along the lines of "If I have to go to counseling, you have to go."?

As in part of me having boundaries and standing up for my own needs.

No that wasn’t me, he hasn’t said i would need to go too

[Diddle]

Pursuing Joy

Are you saying it's not easy to ask for something, because of the way he makes you feel about the ask? Why do you think it bothers him?

Yep 100% every time i suggest i want to do something on my own without him or the children i am made to feel like its not ok and an inconvenience to him. To the point where he messages me while i’m out asking me to respond, has called me and had a go at me because he doesn’t know what to do with the children, despite me leaving clear instructions and everything he needs.
Or i get messages off the children saying never to leave them with their dad again because he’s so angry with them while i’m out.
 I know now it due his own insecurities, he has often commented that i could be off having an affair (which i have never done) it is exhausting and makes it really hard to make time for me.

Writing here is helping a huge amount, but i look forward to getting some real life back soon, coffee and a read of my book in our local cafe is enough for me.

And thank you, i’m doing my best