First post - working through my relationship with my mother

[Cheryl55]

Hi all - I recently bought the walking on eggshells book at the suggested of a therapist, who I’ve been seeing to help me set up boundaries with my mom.  She hasn’t been diagnosed as narcissistic or with BPD, but based on the traits, she closely resembles those disorders.  She easily rages at highly illogical things; is very manipulative (both with money when I was younger and I needed her financially, but in other ways as well); can be extremely hurtful (calling me a bitch and angry and turning my back on my family are basic things she’d say); and she gives the silent treatment until I apologize even if I did nothing wrong.  I just can’t trust her with anything intimate because she will use it against me. We go through ups and downs, and most of the time now that I’m an adult we have a good relationship. But when it’s bad, it’s really bad.  I’m hoping to learn to let go of the ideal mother I’ll never have, while also setting boundaries so the next time this happens I won’t “give in” and apologize...although I’m not sure that’s what I’m supposed to do.

[Turkish]

Hi Cheryl55,



I'm glad that you reached out for support and also glad that your relationship is better.  I found that mine was after I moved out and away.  

Can you tell us of a specific thing or two that you currently struggle with?

You may want to start with the Survivor To Thriver program. Each line and number on the infographic takes you to a specific link to read.

Where do you see yourself at this point in time?  

[Methuen]

Hi Cheryl55!

Welcome to the forum!  

About your mom giving you the silent treatment until you apologize, even if you have nothing to apologize for, I’m sensing this bothers you since you mentioned it in your post.

What do you think she gets from doing this?

How does it make you feel when she does this?

Why do you think you feel this?

You’ve come to a good place here.  We get it!  What you’ve described in your story are things we’ve experienced too.  We’re all at different stages of learning to navigate our bpd relationship, but the great thing is we all support each other here.  

Have you started (or finished) Stop Walking On Eggshells yet?  What did you think?

[Cheryl55]

Regarding the silent treatment, yes it bothers me a lot.  When I was a kid, my dad always forced me to apologize even when I wasn’t wrong, and my mother never reciprocated.  She would ignore me until I made the first move towards repair, which still happens to this day.  It feels unjust.,.,like illogical thinking and harmful behavior wins out. And she always wins, because I want to have a relationship so I always make the first move towards repair.  Why does she ignore me?  I never thought about that!  Maybe power because she knows I’ll come back to her, and she’ll get away with whatever she did.

[Methuen]

Why does she ignore me?  ...Maybe power because she knows I’ll come back to her, and she’ll get away with whatever she did.

Have you thought about how you could respond differently, to change her behavior (i.e. diminish or delete her use of the silent treatment), and maybe effect a change on the power dynamic over time?

She keeps using the silent treatment, because it works for her, right?  After all, you always apologize.  But does her use of the silent treatment work for you?  Does it feel good to be treated like this?  No, right? So do you think there could be things you could do differently, so that the silent treatment doesn't work for her anymore?

When I was a kid, my dad always forced me to apologize even when I wasn’t wrong, and my mother never reciprocated.  She would ignore me until I made the first move towards repair, which still happens to this day.  It feels unjust.,.,like illogical thinking and harmful behavior wins out. And she always wins, because I want to have a relationship so I always make the first move towards repair.

There's a lot to unpack in this.  Why do you think your dad forced YOU to apologize even when you weren't wrong?  This could be a really important thing to think about...and lead to some understanding of how her BPD affected THEIR relationship.  Like you, he had to survive...

Her ignoring you until you made the first repair, as you said, is about power.  It is a maladaptive strategy to manipulate you to have her needs met, which sets up an unhealthy relationship.  This would be part of why you are so bothered.  Nobody likes feeling manipulated, and nobody wants to be pressured to apologize for something they have nothing to apologize for.

Despite her treating you with the silent treatment, and abusing that power with you, you want to maintain the relationship.  If you don't mind my asking a question, I am wondering "what you are getting from the relationship that makes you want to maintain it, despite her bouts of silent treatment, and the demands for apologies" (when you have nothing to apologize for)?  By this, I am recognizing that a relationship with a pwBPD isn't always bad.  There can be some good things or good memories too.  But when it's bad, it's bad (your words!). This is perhaps a complicated question with many layers, and not one you need to answer here if you don't want to, but perhaps something to think about.

Here are two links that could fit for you:
1) Don't validate the invalid (don't apologize when you have nothing to apologize for.  This would be validating the invalid).
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
The entire link could be helpful, but the paragraph that is titled "Remaining True to Ourselves" speaks particularly to not validating the invalid.
2) "Silent Treatment" (forum conversation)
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330440.0;all
 

[Cheryl55]

It’s a good question, but I’m not sure how I’d respond differently.  Historically, I’d apologize within a few hours to a day or two.  This past fight, I held off for two weeks before I couldnt take it anymore - I was having physical symptoms because of the stress.  Maybe I need to try to stop it before it becomes a rage - like set a boundary to say, you feel your way, I feel mine, and I’m not going to engage with you about this at all. 

My relationship with my mom was actually pretty good for the last six or so years.  But with covid, that brought out a stress for her because I wasn’t seeing them As much, so I’m guessing she felt abandoned (even though I was following CDC guidelines, but I disgress...).  She is a very good grandmother to my kids who adore her too.