Silent Treatment

[start_again]

My wife hasn’t spoken to me for the past few days.  I have tried to break the ice with simple conversation and she doesn’t respond.  Not sure what I did.  I have emailed and texted her also with one response from her and that is she said she isn't going camping with me next week as planed.
Any thought on how I can get a little dialog going with her?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

start_again, I know it's been a few days. Any updates? Is she speaking to you?

Sometimes, their radio silence is serving to let them come back to baseline. The most effective thing I've done is to give them space, maintain a steady demeanor, and speak on occasion. Texts like you sent her were perfect. You can't force her out of the silent treatment, and in my experience, it's not a good idea to try it. It's never ended well for me.

[start_again]

Today 8/21 is my birthday and I did get an invite for dinner.  She wants to talk at dinner. 

Almost two weeks without speaking to me...  that was her choice and I chose to give her her space and be cordial.

I went camping without her the past five days - she didn't want to go.  I did send two text messages during camping asking her to reconsider and to join me.  I did get a response of maybe.  I didn't push it.

My job was to accept her and her feeling of not wanting to go and to enjoy myself alone by reading a couple novels, hiking, biking and lake swimming...

[pursuingJoy]

My job was to accept her and her feeling of not wanting to go and to enjoy myself alone by reading a couple novels, hiking, biking and lake swimming...

I think you handled this like a pro. Did you ever find out what triggered her in the first place? I guess you'll find out over dinner?

[start_again]

Did you ever find out what triggered her in the first place?

The trigger, two weeks ago+/-, was I bought cheese for a recipe she was going to make.  She came home from shopping the next day and showed me cheese and other stuff she had bought.  I mentioned to her that I also bought cheese.  She came up with the conclusion that I was correcting her and doing so in front of the painters at the time.  My intention was to let her know I was thinking about her and also to get an “at a boy from her” – big mistake.  Later that day she flipped-out on me and from that point on she hasn’t talked to me.  I don’t respond to the flips outs like I used to.  The book SWOE has helped me.
The funny thing is that during her flip out she mentioned she wanted a thank you from me for going shopping -  funny is that I was looking for the same.  What wasn’t funny was the crazy things she was saying to get her point across. 
It is all about expectations and for me it is better management of my expectations and to understand better what my wife's opening bid, what she thinking, in these situations are. 

[Miriam88]

I have no advice. I just see my husband's actions in what you are saying about your wife. My husband also holds on to things for days or weeks and seems like he will explode if he talks to me so he avoids me.

[start_again]

I have no advice. I just see my husband's actions in what you are saying about your wife. My husband also holds on to things for days or weeks and seems like he will explode if he talks to me so he avoids me.

Interesting – I never thought about avoidance or silent treatment as a way to keep from exploding.  Since my wife explodes often I came to the conclusion that the silent treatment is another way for her to try to control.   
Either way that is on her and not for me to judge or try to change.  The only change is me and how I react.  Best is give her space and time and when she is ready to talk I move forward and try to stay current.

[Miriam88]

Thank you for sharing how you cope with this.
The idea that my DH has BPD is new to me and I am new to this new way of navigating a relationship.
What I had been doing was very unhelpful. I would feel resentful and try to break the silence. I would invalidate, because what he would say made no sense to me. I would also buld a list of resentments because he was not being a supportive partner. During the time that he was processing whatever his issue was he was neglecting his family and iI would feel negative about that too. Come to think of it , there were times he spoke normally to the kids, like nothing was wrong and then not to me and I felt he was in control and just punishing me with his silence. In the future I will remember that his actions are his to own and not engage with  him in an unhealthy way.

[start_again]

Thank you for sharing how you cope with this.
The idea that my DH has BPD is new to me and I am new to this new way of navigating a relationship.
What I had been doing was very unhelpful. I would feel resentful and try to break the silence. I would invalidate, because what he would say made no sense to me. I would also buld a list of resentments because he was not being a supportive partner. During the time that he was processing whatever his issue was he was neglecting his family and iI would feel negative about that too. Come to think of it , there were times he spoke normally to the kids, like nothing was wrong and then not to me and I felt he was in control and just punishing me with his silence. In the future I will remember that his actions are his to own and not engage with  him in an unhealthy way.

When I and only when I accept situations as they are and focus on myself and my problems the situations then work out better for me.   It is not my job to fix others or to take on people’s problems as my own.  I can only fix me.
My attitude is the key.  Do I have an attitude of gratitude or am I feeling sorry for myself because I feel like my needs are not being met.  Do I become resentful because someone of someplace didn’t meet my expectations – for me it is all about managing my expectations?  Do I need to always expect something in return, do I expect to be the center of attention all the time, and these are the questions I need to ask myself.  Is my self-worth contingent on what others say and do for me – all unreasonable expectations?  Am I being fare to others?   
Can I listen, can I show empathy or do I have an inventory list ready and at hand to check off or add to as I go about my day with others. 
This is not easy for me, however the results of changing my attitude sure changed how I feel.  It is hard work for me to think that it is not all about me and my needs, I am willing to change.

[pursuingJoy]

It is not my job to fix others or to take on people’s problems as my own.  I can only fix me.

My attitude is the key.  Do I have an attitude of gratitude or am I feeling sorry for myself because I feel like my needs are not being met.

start_again love how you put this. Attitude goes a long way. We talk a lot about expectations and perspective, and it's not an easy realization to come to.

By nature, I'm an empath, so giving (and sometimes resenting, because I'm subconsciously expecting something in return) comes naturally. It's been harder for me to identify what I value, and to gently, firmly, unapologetically hold the boundary. Do you find this part is harder for you too?

[start_again]

start_again love how you put this. Attitude goes a long way. We talk a lot about expectations and perspective, and it's not an easy realization to come to.

By nature, I'm an empath, so giving (and sometimes resenting, because I'm subconsciously expecting something in return) comes naturally. It's been harder for me to identify what I value, and to gently, firmly, unapologetically hold the boundary. Do you find this part is harder for you too?

I have been a taker all my life always wanting more than my fare share.  This attitude almost killed me – literally.   My opening bid in most cases is what is in it for me – I have to completely change that way of thinking on a daily basis.
Where I get in trouble is when I defend what I value at the cost of others.  I have to ask myself is it really important, do I have to win all the time.

[pursuingJoy]

Where I get in trouble is when I defend what I value at the cost of others.  I have to ask myself is it really important, do I have to win all the time.

Makes sense. It reminds me about the "Interdependent" part from our article about boundaries (in the tools tab above). Maybe the balance is somewhere between your approach and mine.


Independent core values

 It's important to not only identify core values, but to live them. Independent core values should guide important  decisions in our lives. Our values should be clearly reflected in the life choices we make.

Those who value their individuality take responsibility, are self-reliant and act with self-respect. Those who value truthfulness cannot bring themselves to tell a lie. Those who value family or friendship sacrifice their personal interests for the good of others. Those who value goodness cannot bring themselves to do something they know is wrong. We express values in our relationships with other people when we are loyal, reliable, honest, generous, trusting, trustworthy; feel a sense of responsibility for family, friends, co-workers, our organization, community or country.

Inter-dependent values
Being realistic about values is important. If we have an unusually large number of uncompromising independent values / core values, we may be too dogmatic to have a relationship with very many people. At the same time, if we have so few independent values, or such a weak commitment to them, we will then be "undefined" to ourselves and to others and the only values that matter are those of others. The latter is common in codependent or enmeshed relationships.

[start_again]

Question - do we express or values verbally or let our actions speak for themselves?

[pursuingJoy]

Question - do we express or values verbally or let our actions speak for themselves?

That's a great question. I think it's important to verbalize first (for my sake as much as everyone else's) and follow with action.

[start_again]

That's a great question. I think it's important to verbalize first (for my sake as much as everyone else's) and follow with action.

Would you be so kind to give examples of how to verbalize and then with action. 

[pursuingJoy]

I think the most pronounced boundary for me is that his mom will not move in with us. I've verbalized this carefully, to ensure that I've communicated responsibly.

As far as action, here's what I've done:

1. Remodeled our downstairs, which had too much open space that they've eyed in the past and talked about making a MIL suite, to include another bedroom to prioritize and better accommodate the 5 kids we have at home.
2. I used to talk about building a garage with an apartment for a renter, but after realizing they assumed it would be for MIL, I no longer bring that up.
3. I don't JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) my reasons why when I'm pushed.
4. I repeat the simple boundary I set, without apologizing or getting emotional.
5. I seek outside feedback to ensure that I feel confident and strong, but also so that I can reassess my motivation.
6. I work to establish inner boundaries, boundaries that keep me in my lane, confident and focused. I do so by limiting the time that I spend obsessing over it, filling my time with things that I'm interested in, and working to manage my own emotions during difficult conversations.
7. I prepare for eventualities - should he move her in without my consent, what legal recourse do I have? If MIL should fall in her home, what resources does she have around her for support? As MIL ages, and becomes more difficult to deal with, how will I respond to H's ensuing dysregulation?

Boundaries have meant a lot of inner work, at least for me.

[start_again]

I think the most pronounced boundary for me is that his mom will not move in with us. I've verbalized this carefully, to ensure that I've communicated responsibly.

As far as action, here's what I've done:

1. Remodeled our downstairs, which had too much open space that they've eyed in the past and talked about making a MIL suite, to include another bedroom to prioritize and better accommodate the 5 kids we have at home.
2. I used to talk about building a garage with an apartment for a renter, but after realizing they assumed it would be for MIL, I no longer bring that up.
3. I don't JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) my reasons why when I'm pushed.
4. I repeat the simple boundary I set, without apologizing or getting emotional.
5. I seek outside feedback to ensure that I feel confident and strong, but also so that I can reassess my motivation.
6. I work to establish inner boundaries, boundaries that keep me in my lane, confident and focused. I do so by limiting the time that I spend obsessing over it, filling my time with things that I'm interested in, and working to manage my own emotions during difficult conversations.
7. I prepare for eventualities - should he move her in without my consent, what legal recourse do I have? If MIL should fall in her home, what resources does she have around her for support? As MIL ages, and becomes more difficult to deal with, how will I respond to H's ensuing dysregulation?

Boundaries have meant a lot of inner work, at least for me.

Terrific response to my question - thank you