My Mother

[taylorfraser]

I recently completely cut off my mother, who has BPD. I'm a recent college grad, so I was finally able to move out on my own (and in with my long time boyfriend of 4 years). She divorced my other parent (unwillingly) and has largely blamed me for this. Though I've asked her to not talk about the divorce or probe me for details about my other parent, she is relentless. She'll question what I'm trying to hide from her. She'll say I'm on my other parents side and that I caused their divorce by convincing my other parent to leave her. I struggle a lot with feelings of anxiety about myself. Forever, she has been extremely critical of me. I'm either perfect or the worst. It's left me with struggling with losing weight and body issues, as she also had issues with her relationship with food. I think in a lot of ways I often had her own feelings about herself and her body projected onto me.

I'm happy to find this kind of digital support.

[curious quandary]

Welcome TaylorFraser 

Having a BPD parent can be tough. I have an undiagnosed BPD mother, who has also put me in the middle. She's asked me to deliver hurtful and guilt-ridden messages to her EX. When I've refuse, explaining that it makes me very uncomfortable, I get accused of taking sides. It's difficult to not feel guilty, even when I shouldn't. I've been taught to take responsibility for things beyond my control. It's taking time to unlearn this. Do you find this true for you as well?

I struggle a lot with feelings of anxiety about myself.

  Do you have a good support system? I've found that having multiple sources (friends, family, therapist, this forum) has helped tremendously. That and making self care a priority. Sometimes asking "what do I need most right now?" can provide some insight.

[pursuingJoy]

taylorfraser, just want to join curious in saying hello, and welcome!  We're glad you're here.

Reading your post put my stomach in knots for you. It sounds like your mom holds you responsible for her happiness and well-being and that's not ok. We can offer support and encouragement, and we're always happy to brainstorm ways that you can protect yourself and work to reset the current dynamic. This site has been a huge help to me.

Sometimes asking "what do I need most right now?" can provide some insight.

This! Well said, curious. This is my priority thought for the day.

[Methuen]

Welcom!
Ah yes.  Most of us will recognize what you are talking about in the story you shared.  We get it here.

Making you feel responsible for her divorce is just using you as a scapegoat.  Also , are you familiar with emotional incest?

My mom has had a lifelong issue in her relationship with food too.  She was diagnosed with anorexia after I was born.  She tried her darndest to pass that on to me.  It’s good that you are aware of her issues with body image.  Its easier to navigate her behaviors when you have this awareness.

Do you also see a counsellor/therapist?

Your mom is probably feeling “abandoned” right now because you moved out.  Give her some time to self sooth. 

Moving out is a new chapter of your life.  Congratulations on graduating from college!

Let us know how we can help.