i am at a breaking point

[crystal lil]

my husband was recently diagnosed with BPD. We have been married for basically one year, and the diagnosis came 4 months into our marriage.

Our relationship was not good. However, i have lived through my own experiences with child abuse and unfortunately this made it difficult for me to see how his behaviour was not ok. He often blamed me for everything that went wrong in our relationship, and blamed it on my experiences with abuse and trauma. I didnt question this.

When the diagnosis came, and the veil was being lifted on some of these dynamics (as well as a significant amount of lying on his behalf) it has been a really big shock to see how unhealthy things were. it has also been a big change to see how his behaviour towards me was not ok.

i have tried my best to be supportive and work through things with him, but the swings in his behaviour because of the BPD often put me in a really bad place emotionally. i have become so isolated during the course of our relationship, i now often feel like the only people i can talk to about this are therapists.

Things were feeling calmer and like they were improving until yesterday, which was the first anniversary of our wedding. I found he had breached another significant boundary. I dont know what to do anymore. I dont know where my own limits with his behaviour are, because i have spent a majority of myself with people who abuse or do not care for boundaries. i feel very alone and tired.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

crystal my heart goes out to you. I know you're carrying a big weight.  

Things were feeling calmer and like they were improving until yesterday, which was the first anniversary of our wedding. I found he had breached another significant boundary.

Can you tell us what happened?

I dont know what to do anymore. I dont know where my own limits with his behaviour are, because i have spent a majority of myself with people who abuse or do not care for boundaries.

Many of us can relate to being here at one point or another. It takes some work to identify what WE care about and want, and then translate that to boundaries. We can help with that in the long run.

i feel very alone and tired.

I found this site in a similar state. I felt so lonely and upside down. It can and will get better.   We get it.

[crystal lil]

hi - thank you for your lovely message. it made me feel less alone today

not unlike a lot of other people with BPD he has significant issues surrounding impulse control and sex. to my knowledge he has not been unfaithful, but a lot of what he has done has centered around excessive use of porn. without getting into too many details, he has done a lot of this behind my back and without me knowing. we have had many discussions about boundaries around this, and what healthy concepts of sex and intimacy can look like. basically, when going through his phone, i found evidence that he had violated one of the boundaries we had laid out. Sorry i'm still being vague - this is my first post and i am still trying to get comfortable with laying this all out on the internet!

also - to clarify, we are in couples counselling and the counselor suggested, given how a lot of his issues stem from lying and hiding things (particularly things he does on his phone) that a way for us to build up trust again is for me to be able to freely access his phone and witness that he is being trustworthy.

re:figuring out my own boundaries, i have come to the realization recently that i am this is something i am really going to have to work on. i welcome any suggestions or tips from other who have had to do this work too!

[TrulyMadlyDeeply]

I identify with this so much.  I remember how that felt. I've been married almost 16 years.  It started with porn.

Years went by where,  after we'd have a communication breakthrough,  he'd leave open a computer tab or an email and I'd find pictures or chats. He once sent pics.of me to some random stranger online like it wasn't a big deal. Closeness made him sabotage. Or is that testing? I don't know.  I'm too new to this.

I know how bad all of that feels. It hurts and it feels like such a betrayal. And it seems like such a little thing to be able to stop, you know? Now I get why he couldn't.

My husband isn't diagnosed yet. Hoping to get the referral I need to set up a psychiatric visit for testing this week. Because this year has been total hell.

At the very least,  I can tell you that knowing there is a disorder behind it, and not something I did or didn't do, has gone such a long way in helping ME deal with absolutely everything (affairs over our entire marriage. He told me last December).

I get to FINALLY know it isn't me. It never was, no matter what he's said. 

So it's not you either. It's not your fault.
It's just good to know sometimes that other have been there too. And I most definitely have.