My boyfriend told me he is not over his ex and wants to get back with her...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Wow, first of all, I am so glad I found this website. But equally, incredibly unnerved by it...

I am at a place currently fighting with myself internally. I read all the pages here on surviving a break-up and it feels like I'm reading a script of my relationship. I don't want to believe that though. It was special, he was the most amazing man I've ever met, it was the happiest I've ever been with someone else... It was. For me, anyway...

My ex broke up with me on Friday and the only difference to what I read here, is that he does not blame me at all and has never once 'devalued' me or said anything negative to me. All these feelings go on to himself. He blames himself, he thinks he's not good enough for me, he thinks I can do better, he feels guilt and shame for all the times he has withdrawn in the past and broken up with me in the past. He said he wished he'd never met me to some extent so I'd never have felt this pain and so he never would have felt the pain. He also wants to go back to his ex, he said that I am the best person he has ever met in his life, but he wants his ex.

It's a confusing and difficult time for sure.

We have been apart 1 week now and he has stayed withdrawn the whole week. We have had some small messages checking in on each other. I asked him if he reached out to his ex and got no reply... He said he is trying to look after himself without external influences... I guess that's good.

He has also reached out to his GP and is expecting to hear back from the counseling support team any time now.

He was diagnosed with BPD when he was 19 and went through treatment. As far as I know, it was mainly successful, but it appears over the last year, maybe more, it has started to creep back into his life. We had been together 6 months, and I am beginning to realise that maybe I was the 'rebound girl' from his previous ex of 8 years. That hurts a lot.

For the first part of our relationship it was bliss, then the "episodes" started and became more regular. An unknown trigger would cause him to withdraw and he wouldn't even be able to text me. He used to say 'i can't'. Afterwards, in reflection, he would say that emotions overwhelmed him and he got angry at himself. He hides away for fear of saying or doing something that would hurt us both. But after, we would talk about it and it was tolerable for me.

During the break-up he told me that these overwhelming emotions were often about his ex... In extreme opposite to what he said when he was calmer. He would tell me that his ex was abusive, mentally and physically, and that their relationship had be breaking down for a while and that he'd never felt the way he felt with me with anyone before... That I was special, I understood him, I was patient and I was "perfect".

I genuinely thought I had found the one. He was an amazing person, we got on so well, our interests, morals, ethics, humour were perfectly aligned and I fell for him very easily and very hard.

I believed everything he said and did and trusted I'd be with him for the rest of my life.

Now I cycle through extreme periods of anxiety, where I worry for his health and safety - he told me he has considered suicide recently. I have reached out to my/his local crisis team for support for this. And then periods of (unjustified?) hopefulness that he is taking the right steps to get well and that we may get back together.

I am trying to take one day at a time and and wondering if others may be willing to share their coping strategies for this very early difficult phase of loss.

I am also feeling extreme rejection. He told me all the time how (in essence) I was "better" than his ex. His feelings stronger, the connection deeper, our interests, humour and personality more aligned etc. But then at the end, in tears, he just said... But you're not her... It was heart breaking.

I am struggling (perhaps irrationality) to pick apart which parts of this are him and his true feelings, or his BPD.

It's not a nice thought to think that the last 6 months of my life were fake in anyway or that he didn't feel for me the way I did for him...

[Ragdolllover]

Wow, first of all, I am so glad I found this website. But equally, incredibly unnerved by it...

I am at a place currently fighting with myself internally. I read all the pages here on surviving a break-up and it feels like I'm reading a script of my relationship. I don't want to believe that though. It was special, he was the most amazing man I've ever met, it was the happiest I've ever been with someone else... It was. For me, anyway...

My ex broke up with me on Friday and the only difference to what I read here, is that he does not blame me at all and has never once 'devalued' me or said anything negative to me. All these feelings go on to himself. He blames himself, he thinks he's not good enough for me, he thinks I can do better, he feels guilt and shame for all the times he has withdrawn in the past and broken up with me in the past. He said he wished he'd never met me to some extent so I'd never have felt this pain and so he never would have felt the pain. He also wants to go back to his ex, he said that I am the best person he has ever met in his life, but he wants his ex.

It's a confusing and difficult time for sure.

We have been apart 1 week now and he has stayed withdrawn the whole week. We have had some small messages checking in on each other. I asked him if he reached out to his ex and got no reply... He said he is trying to look after himself without external influences... I guess that's good.

He has also reached out to his GP and is expecting to hear back from the counseling support team any time now.

He was diagnosed with BPD when he was 19 and went through treatment. As far as I know, it was mainly successful, but it appears over the last year, maybe more, it has started to creep back into his life. We had been together 6 months, and I am beginning to realise that maybe I was the 'rebound girl' from his previous ex of 8 years. That hurts a lot.

For the first part of our relationship it was bliss, then the "episodes" started and became more regular. An unknown trigger would cause him to withdraw and he wouldn't even be able to text me. He used to say 'i can't'. Afterwards, in reflection, he would say that emotions overwhelmed him and he got angry at himself. He hides away for fear of saying or doing something that would hurt us both. But after, we would talk about it and it was tolerable for me.

During the break-up he told me that these overwhelming emotions were often about his ex... In extreme opposite to what he said when he was calmer. He would tell me that his ex was abusive, mentally and physically, and that their relationship had be breaking down for a while and that he'd never felt the way he felt with me with anyone before... That I was special, I understood him, I was patient and I was "perfect".

I genuinely thought I had found the one. He was an amazing person, we got on so well, our interests, morals, ethics, humour were perfectly aligned and I fell for him very easily and very hard.

I believed everything he said and did and trusted I'd be with him for the rest of my life.

Now I cycle through extreme periods of anxiety, where I worry for his health and safety - he told me he has considered suicide recently. I have reached out to my/his local crisis team for support for this. And then periods of (unjustified?) hopefulness that he is taking the right steps to get well and that we may get back together.

I am trying to take one day at a time and and wondering if others may be willing to share their coping strategies for this very early difficult phase of loss.

I am also feeling extreme rejection. He told me all the time how (in essence) I was "better" than his ex. His feelings stronger, the connection deeper, our interests, humour and personality more aligned etc. But then at the end, in tears, he just said... But you're not her... It was heart breaking.

I am struggling (perhaps irrationality) to pick apart which parts of this are him and his true feelings, or his BPD.

It's not a nice thought to think that the last 6 months of my life were fake in anyway or that he didn't feel for me the way I did for him...

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[HopelessBroken]

Hi Ragdoll and welcome!
I’m glad you’re here and I’m glad you posted what has been going on with your relationship and how you are feeling. I am so sorry this is happening, it’s so painful. To answer your question, yes, I’ve been there. I want to focus on your situation but let you know I understand the intense pain, confusion and feelings of hopelessness. I was broken up with 9 times in 3.5 years. I too thought I was in a relationship with the love of my life and I was told over and over how absolutely perfect I was, until I wasn’t.

With the  most recent breakup, he went immediately to his long term ex girlfriend who he talked horribly about (very similar to your situation).  He also attempted to go back to her previously when he would randomly break up with me. So it’s confusing, you’re leaving me who’s “perfect” (his words) for someone you have told me you didn’t love and had all these characteristics you didn’t like. Okay. What I only understand now is that someone who struggles with BPD keeps people in their back pocket to recycle when they want out of their current situation. Just as he’s cycled back to his ex, I would expect him to cycle back to you. It’s important to know what you want when/if that happens.

So, let’s focus on what you can do now to get through your days as I know how tough every day is when you are in this spot. What things can you do now, for yourself that make you feel even a little bit better, or comforted?

And, what do you want the outcome of your relationship to be? Do you want to be back together?

[JNChell]

I’m sorry that the breakup happened. There is a member here that is married to a man with BPD.  He isn’t comorbid. She describes him as a very gentle person that struggles with depression. He’s dx BPD.  This sounds a lot like your ex. No crazy or violent outbursts. Just emotional. He was in an 8 year relationship before the two of you met. The two of you were together for six months. How long was he single before the two of you met? To be fair, what has your dating life been like before him?

If you really want to know him, you can’t separate his feelings from his BPD. It’s a package deal. It sounds like he is aware of himself and is trying. If you’re trying to separate his good times from bad times, that isn’t good. That teeters on black and white thinking.

How long were you with him before he told you about his diagnosis? Do you want to be with him, or do you need help getting through the break up?

[Rev]

Wow, first of all, I am so glad I found this website. But equally, incredibly unnerved by it...

I am at a place currently fighting with myself internally. I read all the pages here on surviving a break-up and it feels like I'm reading a script of my relationship. I don't want to believe that though. It was special, he was the most amazing man I've ever met, it was the happiest I've ever been with someone else... It was. For me, anyway...

My ex broke up with me on Friday and the only difference to what I read here, is that he does not blame me at all and has never once 'devalued' me or said anything negative to me. All these feelings go on to himself. He blames himself, he thinks he's not good enough for me, he thinks I can do better, he feels guilt and shame for all the times he has withdrawn in the past and broken up with me in the past. He said he wished he'd never met me to some extent so I'd never have felt this pain and so he never would have felt the pain. He also wants to go back to his ex, he said that I am the best person he has ever met in his life, but he wants his ex.

It's a confusing and difficult time for sure.

We have been apart 1 week now and he has stayed withdrawn the whole week. We have had some small messages checking in on each other. I asked him if he reached out to his ex and got no reply... He said he is trying to look after himself without external influences... I guess that's good.

He has also reached out to his GP and is expecting to hear back from the counseling support team any time now.

He was diagnosed with BPD when he was 19 and went through treatment. As far as I know, it was mainly successful, but it appears over the last year, maybe more, it has started to creep back into his life. We had been together 6 months, and I am beginning to realise that maybe I was the 'rebound girl' from his previous ex of 8 years. That hurts a lot.

For the first part of our relationship it was bliss, then the "episodes" started and became more regular. An unknown trigger would cause him to withdraw and he wouldn't even be able to text me. He used to say 'i can't'. Afterwards, in reflection, he would say that emotions overwhelmed him and he got angry at himself. He hides away for fear of saying or doing something that would hurt us both. But after, we would talk about it and it was tolerable for me.

During the break-up he told me that these overwhelming emotions were often about his ex... In extreme opposite to what he said when he was calmer. He would tell me that his ex was abusive, mentally and physically, and that their relationship had be breaking down for a while and that he'd never felt the way he felt with me with anyone before... That I was special, I understood him, I was patient and I was "perfect".

I genuinely thought I had found the one. He was an amazing person, we got on so well, our interests, morals, ethics, humour were perfectly aligned and I fell for him very easily and very hard.

I believed everything he said and did and trusted I'd be with him for the rest of my life.

Now I cycle through extreme periods of anxiety, where I worry for his health and safety - he told me he has considered suicide recently. I have reached out to my/his local crisis team for support for this. And then periods of (unjustified?) hopefulness that he is taking the right steps to get well and that we may get back together.

I am trying to take one day at a time and and wondering if others may be willing to share their coping strategies for this very early difficult phase of loss.

I am also feeling extreme rejection. He told me all the time how (in essence) I was "better" than his ex. His feelings stronger, the connection deeper, our interests, humour and personality more aligned etc. But then at the end, in tears, he just said... But you're not her... It was heart breaking.

I am struggling (perhaps irrationality) to pick apart which parts of this are him and his true feelings, or his BPD.

It's not a nice thought to think that the last 6 months of my life were fake in anyway or that he didn't feel for me the way I did for him...

I just wanted to say "HI" and welcome you...

JNChell has asked some really great questions and put things into a place where a conversation can start.

The only thing I'd like to add is that while you can, try and get a handle on why ruminations happen. We all do it. But BPD relationships have a way of ratcheting things up a bit. The sooner you get ahead of the ruminations, the easier it will become to sort things out as time goes by - and this is true about whether or not you stay or go.  It just is.

Hang in there.

This is a great place.   Here's a link for you to check out about ruminating.

Rev

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=Dr+ramani+ruminations&&view=detail&mid=BB391ECCCA4B671246DDBB391ECCCA4B671246DD&&FORM=VRDGAR&ru=%2Fvideos%2Fsearch%3Fq%3DDr%2Bramani%2

[Ragdolllover]

Thank you both for your posts, first of all, apologies to any admin or moderators on here, I have duplicated my post. I did this first post on my phone and when I clicked "post" my phone crashed and I couldn't find it anywhere on the site, so I posted it again. I now have 2 posts on here, one in "Detaching" and one in "Reversing a Break-up" which are incredibly similar... is there a way to merge them as they both now have replies?

Yes there was a very short amount of time between his ex and the start of our relationship, a few weeks that's all. I was concerned when I first met him obviously, but he told me their relationship had been breaking down for a long time and he was ready for something new. Especially, he said, because of me...

Honestly, when we met, it was from one of the big dating apps, we went to the park to meet for our first date and both of us got immediately caught up. He came back to mine and didn't leave for about 3 days... we were together straight away and it was extremely intense...

I wasn't freaked out by this because I was also caught up in it. As I mentioned, I also felt extremely strongly for him and we connected on many levels so deeply straight away. It was effortless. We also used to talk about how "quick and intense" it was too, we were open with each other about this. But we were also enjoying the feeling so much, we wanted to ride the wave.

When we met he was on anti-depressants, and it quite quickly came up in conversation because of one of the more obvious side-effects... He was open about his depression and medication, and it was at this time that he told me about his previous mental health issues as a child, but only really in passing. I remember looking into BPD after this (about 1-2 weeks in) and thinking, yeah, he is definitely not like this now. He seemed very clear-minded, stable and like he knew what he wanted in life. He had a great job, lots of friends... I didn't think about BPD again, and instead focused on his "depression".

I had been single for about 8 months and wasn't particularly looking for anything at the time of meeting my ex. But when we met, he surprised me and we hit it off right away. My previous serious relationships have started intensely in the past. I guess I trust my gut/heart when I meet someone new and if I like them, I do tend to commit quite quickly and wholeheartedly... so again, I wasn't too shocked by my behaviour. But it did feel a bit different this time... like, this might be the last time this will happen and like I'd finally found my "one". God I feel so soppy... haha

Anyway...

He is pushing me away more and more these last few days. On the night he broke up with me he told me he wanted to get back with his ex and was going to contact her. He also told me he loved me still. He concluded that he was "very ill" even "broken". I told him perhaps he is broken, but that "all the pieces are still there" and he should speak to a professional and get the help he needs. He agreed, and has been in contact daily updating me on this journey. i.e. he messaged after his first appointment to let me know how it went.

Recently, he is not replying to my messages asking if he's "ok today?", he reads them and maybe replies hours and hours after. I am trying to give him more space.

Interestingly (maybe) his friend reached out to me on Saturday night asking if we are back together now. He suggested that I stay in touch with my ex and give him time because "he's not over his ex and it was a long term relationship after all". He told me that my ex had spoken to him about me very positively and "only had nice things to say". His friend clearly doesn't know about the BPD or the extent to which he is struggling emotionally. But it just gave me more (unjustified?) hope that we may get back together...

Bottom line... I do want to get back with him. But more than this, I want him to be well and to continue to seek professional help like he is doing. Ideally, we will get back together, but I want to try and make sure I am prepared in case he doesn't.

Worst case scenario, he goes through therapy, gets "better", then still doesn't want to be with me. I think this will hurt more than what I'm going through now. So I'd like to prepare for this just in case.

Thanks.

Yes I know I am a talker! I find it a helpful outlet for sorting through my own emotions. Thanks for everyone  who is patient enough to read it! haha

[Ragdolllover]

Thank you for your message.

Yes I think the ideal scenario for me is that we get back together, with clear boundaries from both sides and a commitment from him that he will continue to take the steps towards professional help and therapy as he has started to do.

I am just worried and anxious about him and his health at the moment. I find myself constantly checking Whatsapp to see when he was last "online", especially last thing at night and first thing in the morning. If he takes a while to be "online" in the morning, my mind starts thinking that something might have happened to him, it may have got too much for him, he may have taken his own life.

This anxiety is very difficult as I can't say I've ever had to deal with anxiety in my life before. Not to this extent anyway.

I am also worried about having too much hope. What if he does go through treatment and therapy and then decides he still doesn't want to be with me. I think that would hurt me far more than I am hurting now.

I feel hopeful (selfishly I guess) because at the moment, as far as I am aware, he hasn't gone back to his ex. He said he is trying to sort through his emotions "without external influences". One of his friends also reached out to me to suggest I "stay in touch with him and give him time - he is not long out of a long relationship and needs processing time, but only had good things to say about me". His friend clearly didn't know about BPD or my exes emotional intensity struggles right now, but this only added fuel to my fire of hope...

For me, I find distraction with friends and at work, but that's so hard right now with Covid restrictions. I did break most of the Covid laws this weekend and stayed at a friends house which was really nice and meant that I didn't message my ex at all that day.

I have also reached out to some counselling groups, I actually have a person from a local support group phoning me today which I am really looking forward to.


How are you getting on now? Is your ex still with that person? Or are you back together? Has your ex sought treatment? What have been the ways that you have found most helpful coping with all this?

Thanks

[Ragdolllover]

So I have just been watching a video I found in another thread:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lv0qJ4UlcHE

A few people in the thread said to take it with a pinch of salt as these people can be a little controversial with their thinking of BPD, and I already don't like how whenever they talk about narcissits they say "he" and BPD they say "she"... But still... One part of the video resonated a little...

It's talking about the internal representation of external objects. And how pwBPD can often find it difficult in a peaceful relationship because suddenly they have no abuse and there is a dissonance between their internal representation of abuse and the external truth.

I kind of see this with my ex...

He did tell me his ex was abusive, I don't know if this is true, or if this is his internal representation or devaluation of her. But our relationship was easy and perfect and he was consistently validated by me (that's kind of my personality anyway, I'm quite a positive person and like to uplift others around me). Maybe I was over-soothing then. He often said how he didn't want to show me his "bad-side" or dark emotions, which is why he wanted to run away from me when he had his "episodes" of anger or sadness. I used to tell him that I didn't mind, I loved everything about him. He was special and amazing... Sometimes it would work and he would come-around quickly, often it didn't...

I guess this was a dissonance to him, because it's not how he feels about himself... So he thinks he's not worthy of my love and so withdraws...

Possibly why he wants to run back to his ex who he feels will abuse him like he thinks he "deserves".

Is this rumination? haha. Wondering if I should have been meaner to him...? What a thing to have to worry about, eh?

[Ragdolllover]

Now I cycle through extreme periods of anxiety, where I worry for his health and safety - he told me he has considered suicide recently. I have reached out to my/his local crisis team for support for this. And then periods of (unjustified?) hopefulness that he is taking the right steps to get well and that we may get back together.

So I did reach out to his Doctor to try and help. I thought it was the right thing to do and the best for both of us. For me, I would help shoulder this burden which I thought I was carrying alone (he said he hadn't told anyone else) and for him, it would help speed up his process to get the help he needed and also be a way to offer more support to him if he is considering suicide.

I knew he had reached out to the GP already, so I didn't think it was really going behind his back as such, I honestly just thought it was the right thing to do.

If anything had happened to him and I had never reached out to anyone about it, how could I live with myself?

Anyway, his doctor reached out to him and told him it was me who raised the concern (despite asking to have anonymity - I explained to the doctor that this may trigger him and the focus should be on the care he needs not where it has come from).

I immediately received messages from him telling me I am interfering and not respecting his boundaries - he is right and I feel extremely guilty for that. He did reassure me he "won't do anything stupid", so that was good. But he then proceeded to tell me I was manipulative and he thinks I've actually done this before in previous breakups (been manipulative) using his emotional weakness to my advantage to get what I want.

Obviously this couldn't be further from the truth, during previous break ups I have also been emotionally weak and vulnerable, I don't think I'd be able to manipulate him in this state even if I'd tried...

Anyway, I've clearly made this 10x worse now and on top of this, am now worrying he might disengage from getting help completely.

I have made the decision to go no contact, I know this will be incredibly hard, so any hints or tips from you guys would be fantastic. How do you pause and stop yourself from messaging them when your heart is aching to? What ways of distraction and closure have you tried to offer yourself?

This morning I watched this TED talk and it did help. I am going to try and follow the steps if I can.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6BYAjhjt38