don't know what to do

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hey guys. So, my partner of about ten years had most of the BPD symptoms. Anger time would last for hours on end. She would sometimes accuse me of things I had never done, etc. I had to give up pretty much all the people I knew because of her suspicions.

She's been gone for about eight months now, and I know it can never work. But the "good times" were so good and she was like a completely different person then. I guess what I'm saying is I am heartbroken that she is gone. I pretty much know there is no hope at all for us at all, yet I am having trouble with the loss of the person I loved most in the whole world.

I don't know what to do now. I am functional, living, but I feel an immense struggle going through every day. About the only thing I like to do now is sleep. I mean, I work, I do some things I used to enjoy, but all the joy in life I feel is gone. I just cry all the time now, including now.

She used to tell me that I ruined her whole life and that I am a horrible human being (during the end mainly, other times I was "the best" or "wonderful"). She said it with such conviction that I believe it, even though intellectually I know it is not true.

Please someone tell me it's going to get better for me.

[Football2000]

Hey guys. So, my partner of about ten years had most of the BPD symptoms. Anger time would last for hours on end. She would sometimes accuse me of things I had never done, etc. I had to give up pretty much all the people I knew because of her suspicions.

She's been gone for about eight months now, and I know it can never work. But the "good times" were so good and she was like a completely different person then. I guess what I'm saying is I am heartbroken that she is gone. I pretty much know there is no hope at all for us at all, yet I am having trouble with the loss of the person I loved most in the whole world.

I don't know what to do now. I am functional, living, but I feel an immense struggle going through every day. About the only thing I like to do now is sleep. I mean, I work, I do some things I used to enjoy, but all the joy in life I feel is gone. I just cry all the time now, including now.

She used to tell me that I ruined her whole life and that I am a horrible human being (during the end mainly, other times I was "the best" or "wonderful"). She said it with such conviction that I believe it, even though intellectually I know it is not true.

Please someone tell me it's going to get better for me.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Football-

I’m very sorry for what you’re going through.  I too am eight months out, after 6.5 years.  The sadness generally comes in waves for me.

I also experience what you’re going through... that feeling of only wanting to sleep and barely functioning through what is required.  My friend, this is depression.  It is.  And it’s okay to acknowledge that, especially here. 

I completely get that you may believe that people in the outside world may not understand how you could “still” feel this way...   your feelings are not theirs, or anyone’s to judge.  When we find ourselves stuck in this depressed state for a longer period (I believe over a few weeks) we become “clinical” and for our own good need to take some steps to pull ourselves out.  It’s a difficult thing.  Therapy maybe?   The addition of or forcing yourself to exercise?  A short-term trial of meds maybe?

I had developed MDD (Major Depressive Disorder), and I can now tell when I’m sliding back into it.  And I consciously tell myself... “No, this battle is over.”

Bottom line, Football.  You’ve been through a lot.  Recovery from a Long-term relationship with a disordered partner is a hard road to travel and you’re on your way.  You WILL recover.  And all of the bad things she called you were untrue.  All of them.  You WILL recover yourself.  You WILL find your joy.

Warmly,
Gems

[once removed]

Please someone tell me it's going to get better for me.

hi Football2000,

i was only with my partner for just shy of three years, and i can relate to a lot of what you describe at eight months.

ten years is a lot to grieve. and sometimes grief works in such a way that the more time progresses, the more you are able to process some of the hardest parts...it can feel hopeless, it can feel like it gets worse before it gets better. it doesnt necessarily mean though, that things arent getting, or wont get better.

im not a believer in strictly leaving things up to time, or that time alone heals any wounds.

but the fact is, youre rebuilding. youre rebuilding a new life. it takes time 

[Andy1963]

Hi football

I feel your pain, im 8 weeks out of a 3 year  relationship with an uBPD
The first few weeks were hard,but finding out that she had jumped straight into a new relationship devastated me
Ive had weeks of sleepless and the physical pain of withdrawal
Every day is different but I can say that it is slightly easier than it was
Ive good days and bad days
You will get through this, I believe I will too
Post and read on here as much as possible
Its helps enormously
Stay strong

[Football2000]

Thanks everyone...it is great to know that it is possible to recover. Actually, throughout my life I've always had a very solid grasp of why things happen and to have a positive outlook on things. But this was just different.

I know I was not the perfect partner, but everyone I've talked to tells me I tried my best and that I'm a really awesome person. However, my partner just kept putting me down with insults and blame that I honestly did not know what to do...I tried some of the techniques of validation and I really cared for her.

Now I just keep blaming myself and wondering if I could have done something different.

However, in response to Gems, I am doing some of that stuff, like therapy and exercise. It absolutely helps get me to a point where I am functional. I just keep wondering if I'll ever get past the point of functional and actually enjoy life again. And of course I really miss her...

[once removed]

Now I just keep blaming myself and wondering if I could have done something different.

shot in the dark here...

at a certain point in my recovery, what helped me to get to over those hurdles, to the next step, was to face the things that were troubling me the most. to really engage hard questions, and sometimes, hard truths.

what if i told you that there were things that you could have done differently, and that understanding them is vital in not only understanding how your relationship broke down, but in the lessons you want to take into new, future relationships?

personally, there were a lot of things i could have done differently. and frankly, they would have improved my relationship. but they couldnt have saved it. nothing could, because ultimately, as much as we loved each other, we just werent meant to be. there were too many vital things about each other that clashed. too many things we couldnt get on the same page about. too many things neither of us could accept about the other. in my case, she was too clingy, too jealous, too possessive, too prone to invading my privacy, too prone to giving me interrogations about nonsense. i loved her, and at the time, some of those things gave me a strange comfort, but it wasnt a life i could have been happy with. i know for a fact i could have handled it better, and i know what i could have done to make it easier on me, her, and my relationship. but that ship sailed. we didnt work out. the thing is, while im looking for a partner who isnt quite such high maintenance, the lessons are still invaluable if i want to attract a better partner.

i recognize that you are still grieving the loss, as opposed to focusing on what you want in a future relationship. part of the transition is grieving the best aspects of the relationship (although not necessarily losing sight of them...my ex had some wonderful qualities i would hope to find in a future partner) but understanding what was broken about it, and the lessons we can take from that.

what do you think?

[anxiety5]

Hey guys. So, my partner of about ten years had most of the BPD symptoms. Anger time would last for hours on end. She would sometimes accuse me of things I had never done, etc. I had to give up pretty much all the people I knew because of her suspicions.

She's been gone for about eight months now, and I know it can never work. But the "good times" were so good and she was like a completely different person then. I guess what I'm saying is I am heartbroken that she is gone. I pretty much know there is no hope at all for us at all, yet I am having trouble with the loss of the person I loved most in the whole world.

I don't know what to do now. I am functional, living, but I feel an immense struggle going through every day. About the only thing I like to do now is sleep. I mean, I work, I do some things I used to enjoy, but all the joy in life I feel is gone. I just cry all the time now, including now.

She used to tell me that I ruined her whole life and that I am a horrible human being (during the end mainly, other times I was "the best" or "wonderful"). She said it with such conviction that I believe it, even though intellectually I know it is not true.

Please someone tell me it's going to get better for me.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Kind of like a kick to the gut. We fell in love with a mirage. It was never real. I know that's tough to realize but it's important. They mirror us. They understand what we want in a partner and they show us that side in the beginning before it mysteriously goes away.  And, of course when it does we are told it's our fault. We get to see it from time to time though only to have it evaporate yet again. Write down everything she did to you. Every way she wronged you. Every lie she told, every way she disrespected you. Every way she made you feel bad, every time she hurt your feelings.  Write it down.  Walk away for a day or so and when you return to that list ask yourself after reading it if that sounds like a relationship that's healthy or good for you? You'll say no but your feelings will tell you otherwise.  It is this disconnect that is the key to fixing before we can move on.  We must get our emotions in the same place our logical brains are at. We can rattle off why this relationship is not good for us, but we "miss" them, "love" them and "yearn" for them.  The truth is it was a mirage. It was never the real them. In truth we did not fall in love with them. We fell in love with the way THEY made US feel about ourselves. 

Write down all the things you want in a relationship. Companionship, trust, respect, laugher, loyalty, etc.  You will realize that very few of the things you need are offered to you by them.  You'll realize that often the things we write down that we really want and really need on this list are the exact OPPOSITE of what they gave us. 

Ask yourself this. If she is everything on this first list that I wrote down, and nothing or very few of the things I want and need in a relationship on the 2nd list I wrote...what conclusions can you draw?

-She isn't good for you.
-She isn't healthy for you.
-She can't offer you what you need
-She can't give you want you want.

Go through this thought process daily if that is what it takes to drive these points home.  These people are like junk food except we have diabetes and our health is failing. We may want them, we may crave them but they aren't healthy or good for us and ultimately are going to make us feel terrible.

Read those lists every day if that is what it takes. A) list 1: here is what she was to me. B) list 2:this is what I need and want in a relationship.  That reality must be accepted and your daily mantra. 

I would suggest self care. Focus on you.  Take care of yourself, get sleep, go back to the gym if you haven't in awhile or every before. Go for walks outside and call an old friend. Try and eat better, set a few goals to lose 5lbs. Whatever it might be. Focus on improving your health in some way and make that your focus. You need a positive distraction right now and I would suggest health, nutrition, and fitness as all great options.  Not only is it scientifically proven to make you feel better, but it will make you feel better about you as well.

hope this helps let me know how you are doing!

[Mutt]

Hey Football2000,

I’m glad to hear that you’re doing T and that you’re exercising   I believe that sometimes it helps to have a lot of different strategies concurrently when you’re in rut and you’re losing your frequency.  That being said. I would have a similar conversation with an MD or GP with having a hard time functioning lately.

[Football2000]

Thanks people.

@once removed: Yeah, I realized there could be things I could do differently that might have helped the relationship. But I also know that if I knew then what I know now, I guess I could also win the lottery . I guess I need to remember there's a difference between learning from the past and blaming myself (after all, she did enough of that for both of us)

@anxiety5: Thanks for your comments. I really do think part of my ex and part of the relationship was real. I feel like it's more like it was real, but that she also had something inside her which overpowered her with immense fear that actually interfered with her true self. But in any case, what you say is true: that person can't be good to be around...

@Mutt: thanks for the suggestion...I really do think I need some kind of help, but I really don't want to take medication.

At the same time, I will probably go see a doctor because every day I wake up and feel like it's a struggle and I feel like life isn't worth it any more...I long to sleep and I hate to wake up.

I guess what I don't understand is how illogical this whole thing is. Genuinely, before this happened I could not imagine that a person could exist that could act like my partner...

[Lucky Jim]

She used to tell me that I ruined her whole life and that I am a horrible human being

Hey Footballer, Those w/BPD will say a lot of hurtful things, as part of their disorder.  Like you, I used to internalize them, until I learned how to let the degrading comments roll off my back.  I came up with a saying, "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it"!  I suggest you adopt this approach.

Now I just keep blaming myself and wondering if I could have done something different.

No, it's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome.  Just the way it is with BPD.

It does get better.  Suggest you focus on yourself and your needs.  Get back to being your authentic self.  Listen to your gut feelings.  As Nietzsche said, "Become who you are"!

It's easy to get lost in rumination, which is usually a lot of wasted energy because, at the end of the day, you'll never get to the bottom of BPD.  It's an incredibly complex disorder, in my view, which defies reason and rational analysis.  I thought that I could crack the BPD Code, but BPD proved too much for me.  I had to throw in the towel!

LJ

[Mutt]

Hey Footballer2000,

No, it's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome.  Just the way it is with BPD.

Hurt people hurt people.