What to do if he comes back?Do I take him back or let him go?

[B53]

This is my second post, my first was short and not very informative. After reading some threads, I understand more of how this works.

We have been together for two years. I knew something was wrong, did research and found information about BPD. After waiting several  months, I finally found the right moment to show him the information. He took it well and was properly diagnosed and has been in therapy for several months and is working hard. After an episode is over he is able to see how he took something small and blew it out of proportion. He acknowledges what he has put me through and takes responsibility. He hasn’t been in counseling that long and the episodes still continue. Almost all our confrontations he has started. I’ve only been upset with him a few times over things he does, in the past two years. Since his diagnosis, It has been my mission to learn everything I can about BPD. I know he can’t help what he is doing and I tell myself it’s not personal. It easy to do until he begins the character assassination and I know it’s a BP episode when he says something that is so blatantly untrue.
I finally told him that when he acts that way, that I will stay away from him until “the nice guy is ready to talk”. It takes awhile, but it usually  works. I don’t know if it’s what is coming up in his therapy (he was physically abused as a child), the restrictions of COVID or the episodes are wearing me down or all the above, but we have had two episodes back to back which is rare. I was starting to look for a therapist for support to learn how to respond and protect myself. I have realized a sad truth. A relationship  with a BPD is  very one sided, they are selfish and can be bullies. Since therapy can be successful and as long as I see some changes, even though small I am committed to seeing it through.

So here is the situation. In the past every time he has a big episode he breaks up with me, then begs fo forgiveness and makes promises that I know he can keep. We were just settling in and things were going well. The weekend before, we went on a five mile hike, got crab cakes for dinner and had a lovely evening together. I told him that was one of the best days ever. Starting that Monday he started staying up on my third floor, which he had turned into an office and was staying later and later each night. On Friday night he stayed up there until 8:30pm and  when he came down I mentioned I was hoping we would spend some together time. He made some excuses and I dropped it. We still had the whole weekend. He continued to spend time up there all weekend. He did come down for dinner and some interaction. He didn’t act like he was upset with me, but I could tell there was a little something going on. I mentioned again throughout the weekend about spending some quality time. Sunday night he had his weekly zoom call with his daughter. I could hear him laughing and having a good time, which was not something I had been experiencing throughout the weekend. Well at 11pm, I was in the bathroom getting ready to go to bed and he comes down like he wanted to be social. Needless to say I was tired, hurt and just wanted to go to bed. I don’t remember what he said, but I said that I had been waiting around all weekend for this, but it was Sunday and 11pm and I was ready to go to bed. Well, we know the last thing you do Is insinuate to a BP that they did anything wrong. All I really wanted was some empathy and a hug and him letting me know that blowing me off wasn’t about something I did (what was I thinking). I got the I’m sorry, but what came after quickly negated it. He never came closer than 6 feet of me and stood with his arms crossed saying he wanted to talk about it. He was defensive, the victim and was bullying me. I said that I was finished talking. I was upset with his inability to address my feelings,  what he did wasn’t really that big a deal. He barge into the bedroom twice more , with put downs and told me he wanted to fix it, but I was the one who was being unreasonable. He slept in the other bedroom. The next day I went to work and when I came home he came to talk again and when I wouldn’t engage or respond to his accusations then he started with the cutting remarks. That’s when I started keeping my distance and wasn’t going to engage until the “nice guy wanted to talk.“ I was trying to take care of myself and process what was going on and remind myself he can’t help it. He accused me of the silent treatment and when I didn’t engage he went and packed  his bags and left me the key. The next day I got an email saying that he realized how much he was hurting me and that out of his love for me he was letting me go and work on himself. I wrote him back saying that I would respect his decision. Best of luck in his recovery and that I wished only the best for him. Love ...
That was three days ago.He usually comes back but this is the first time he took his clothes. His email actually showed that maybe he had some insight, but his actions were very BP . I feel like if he was that perceptive he would have reached out in a kind way to talk. He has a daughter who is at school, but other than that his only friends are my family. It will be easy for him to recover if there is no one around to upset him. He can talk the talk, but he doesn’t have to walk the walk.
So if he does come back, what should I do? I know that if I don’t go back, that after the hurt I will be able to move on and will be happy. On the other hand,  like all of you, when times are good, they are really good. If I were to stay I know that even with therapy these episodes are are not going to end over night and I will be facing hurtful times. I know that if I was much younger I would walk away. I’m 67 years old and I have spent a lot of time on my own and it’s hard to find someone that shares the same interests and life goals, he fits well into my crazy family and my grandchildren adore him and I love his daughter as well.I know if I stick with it I could still end up alone and be even older. If he doesn’t make the effort to come back then I will move on. There have been times that I have offered an olive branch, but not this time. He walked away and it’s up to him to come back. I’m not going to reinforce that behavior. I do believe he really loves me. He told me that this has been his first relationship that he has had, that when he walks away he has back. He said he never cared enough before.
Any thoughts?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi B53 - Welcome!:

when times are good, they are really good. If I were to stay I know that even with therapy these episodes are are not going to end over night and I will be facing hurtful times.   

It seems to be a common quote about the extremes and people can get addicted to the "Idealization" or the very very good times.  They are so drawn to the fantastic times, that many hang in there for the abusive times. The truth is that "from fantastic to abusive" is NOT a healthy relationship.

You indicate that you are 67, so I'll go with an assumption that he is a vintage man.  The chance of him making substantial change is slim.  Best to radically accept that what you see is what you will continue to get.

  So if he does come back, what should I do? I know that if I don’t go back, that after the hurt I will be able to move on and will be happy. On the other hand,  like all of you, when times are good, they are really good. If I were to stay I know that even with therapy these episodes are are not going to end over night and I will be facing hurtful times. I know that if I was much younger I would walk away. I’m 67 years old and I have spent a lot of time on my own and it’s hard to find someone that shares the same interests and life goals, 

The only person you can change is yourself.  If you learn many of the communication strategies here and set boundaries (that you control), then you can make things better for you.

You might just give him some time, and during that time, visit the workshops here and learn some strategies. You might look at some options, if he wants to get back together. This would be something for you to think through now.

One option, at least initially, could be to date, but maintain separate households.  Then give it some time and see if you want to get more involved.  Perhaps discuss your options in individual counseling for you. 

At your age, think long and hard about taking any permanent steps, such as marriage. Even think twice about living together, etc.  Retirement years can be challenging for mentally healthy couples.  I'd hate to see you spend your golden years being a caretaker for someone with BPD traits. 

[Rev]

Hi B53

I just wanted to reach out and say "hi" and to add something to what NN has put out there so well. I couldn't have said it better.

Cycles only intensify over time - things will only get worse with a person with a personality over time, not better - if left unattended.  As NN says, if your man has been left untreated for several years, I fear for your own happiness.  Think hard about this.

Stay safe.

Rev

[B53]

Thanks for the feedback.
He has started counseling and DBT and is trying to change. It’s only been three months and I have seen small changes. He is high functioning. He has the episodes of BPD,  but he doesn’t follow several of the criteria. He has had the same job for 20 years. He doesn’t take part take in risky behavior. I feel he has fear of rejection, but he doesn’t seem to have fear of abandonment per say, more like, He don’t deserve to be happy, so he ruins it. He is fine being alone and didn’t date at all for about 15 years while he had joint custody of his daughter. He did say that this is the first relationship that he has cared about and is aware that when he breaks up, he knows in his head that it’s not what he wants to do, but he can’t stop himself. He does do some of the idealization, but mostly our life is quiet we both treat each other well, we are best friends. We have been living together, but he still has his own place. He has broken up with me many times, but he doesn’t seem to walk away and not look back. What brings him back is that he reminisces and seems to go through the breakup hurting the same as you or I would. After an episode he is able to look back and realize how ridiculous and far from reality his thinking was. He has even told be about situations that would have upset him and he was able to work through. He says he is feeling calmer and happier. I was the one who triggered the last episode, but his bullying response was what I was responding to, not the situation. A normal person wouldn’t react that way.

I realize that this is a tough disorder and even with help, it will still rear its ugly head. In the long run getting out would be the
 Wisest  thing to do. I’m still hurting so feeling that is hard to do right now. He may have made that decision for me. I am not going to chase after him. If comes back soon I will consider trying one more time. If he waits too long and I have started to heal from the breakup and starting to think about a new future, I won’t go back. This is my thought if he does come back, the most important thing I need to do is get into counseling for support and to learn skills to handle or respond effectively. I think that I will limit staying together only on weekends or when we go away.
Thanks again, it does help to hear from people who are or have been dealing with the same thing.

[Naughty Nibbler]

I am not going to chase after him. If comes back soon I will consider trying one more time. If he waits too long and I have started to heal from the breakup and starting to think about a new future, I won’t go back. This is my thought if he does come back, the most important thing I need to do is get into counseling for support and to learn skills to handle or respond effectively. I think that I will limit staying together only on weekends or when we go away.
Thanks again, it does help to hear from people who are or have been dealing with the same thing.

Probably want to put more weight on what he might say, if he contacts you, versus how soon he contacts you. If he contacts you soon, it's unlikely that he would have time to make much improvement. Don't be too eager to resume having him sleep over on weekends. 

If he continues to take his therapy seriously and approaches you to reconcile, consider some joint therapy sessions.  A person doesn't have to have the most severe BPD traits to be hard to live with.  Only you can decide what you are willing to tolerate.

No need to wait around, get on with your life.

[B53]

Thanks again for your honest input. Of course I would love to here the fairy tale ending but hearing the blatant truth is really kinder. I’m more realistic and together then I sound. I’m aware of the big picture. Right now I am hurting and if he comes back in the next week or so I will probably give it one more try. I just feel like I could have handled it better. I want to know if I learned another way to interact and that I know how to respond and have a plan that protects me during this time, what the outcome would be. I would like to be able to say to myself if I walk away, that I tried everything. I’m so aware that he can’t help this. He had a horrible childhood and has suffered for years with this, it’s time someone is there for him. Isn’t that what unconditional love is? I’m not going to be a martyr , I realize the odds are very low, but there are success stories on this blog too and sometimes miracles do happen.I haven’t had counseling for BPD but I have had quite a few years of counseling in my past. I believe I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. If I am unable to wake up in the morning and not feel good about the person that I am, I will not stay and I will walk away without any regrets. I was happy before I met him and I will be happy again if it doesn’t work out.
Once again, he may have already made that decision for me. If he doesn’t get in touch in the very near future and if that’s the case, then it’s on him, again, no regrets. I’m just waiting to feel a little better and when that happens then going back will no longer be an option.