Starting relationship with BPD. Need advice

[David1301]

Hello everyone,

I'm just starting a relationship with a girl that is a victim of child sexual abuse. Due to personal reasons we are both very open about potential issues that may affect our relationship, a short-term relationship is not an option for us. This meant that she disclosed to me very early on that she is a victim and had to deal with a lot of problems with family and earlier romantic partners. Judging by what she told me and conversations I had with my therapist it is clear that she has BPD traits and a very high probability of having severe traits later on.

To me this poses a dilemma, because I do not know how to approach this. As I said our relationship is very recent, we only know eachother for a few months and the prospect of these issues survicing is very intimidating. I like her a lot of course and in many ways it seems "selfish" to be so scared because of this while she has to deal with it regardless of our relationship. I feel really bad for her and sometimes trying to grasp what happend to her and what she still has to deal with really disturbs me a lot emotionally.

The things that trouble me the most are the difficulty to trust the other person, the potential of mood swings (did not happen yet towards me) and possibilities of self-harm. For me it is important to be able trust my significant other. But due to my suspisions it is very hard to trust her judgement of herself. She is realistic about some of the issues she has, but a little bit too confident about her ability to ignore her traits in the future I think. Also I fear the manipulation that often presents itself in these situations. She often says things that seem a little bit unbeliefable, but it feels so awful to doubt her that I decide to trust her until it proves to be untrue. I do not know if that is wise, because I do know that many of the things she says influence me and my behaviour towards her. She is very good at making me feel attached to her, and I do not know if that is because we really match eachother very well or if manipulation plays into this.

I really struggle understanding what my attitude should be towards our relationship. I would really dislike leaving her (not only for my sake, but also because I am very scared of how this will affect her) but at the same time our relationship is still very young and I do not know if it is wise to proceed. For context: I personally also have some issues (not BPD or abuse related) and for me marriage and kids are absolutely necessairy in a relationship eventually. This affects my relationship choices a lot.

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[pursuingJoy]

Welcome! I'm glad you found us. It sounds like you're doing a lot of processing, processing that is best done as early as possible. You'll find some great resources here.

I like her a lot of course and in many ways it seems "selfish" to be so scared because of this while she has to deal with it regardless of our relationship. I feel really bad for her and sometimes trying to grasp what happend to her and what she still has to deal with really disturbs me a lot emotionally.

It's really not selfish at all. Your concern is merited, as is any attention you give to your long term decision. This is a serious matter. People successfully navigate relationships with pwBPD but it's not without heartache, intentionality, and a lot of work.

Is she in counseling to treat her BPD symptoms? Does she have a support network? Do you?

Also I fear the manipulation that often presents itself in these situations.

She is very good at making me feel attached to her, and I do not know if that is because we really match eachother very well or if manipulation plays into this.

It's pretty important to note that BPD's 'manipulation' isn't necessarily driven by cruel intent. What you're seeing is most likely deeply ingrained survival tactics that she uses to have her needs met. Learning this allowed me to take the indignation and hurt out of my response and simply set boundaries.

We cannot change pwBPD. We can improve the relationship by shifting our responses, but even then, the outcome isn't guaranteed. The pwBPD may improve with serious and committed treatment. It's also common for them to be averse to treatment.

For context: I personally also have some issues (not BPD or abuse related) and for me marriage and kids are absolutely necessairy in a relationship eventually. This affects my relationship choices a lot.

You have some very serious things to think about, and it also sounds like you're not interested in anything casual. I hear some urgency to make a decision, is that accurate? What are you doing to learn about BPD? Does it help to consider if you are the best partner for her in the long run?