It's been awhile since I posted but uBPDM issues flying monkeys

[onesmartcookie39]

My parents have been divorced since I was 13. I'm 47. My mom immediately remarried. My dad just passed away a little over two weeks ago. We were estranged for the past five years. He did not approve of me getting a divorce. We have had a tough relationship ever since my mother left him. My T says he had mental health issues but has never indicated what they are. I know his mother wasn't the greatest, my mother wasn't the greatest, nor was my sister. So he came to dislike women. Once I divorced my ex husband- he saw me as my mother. He no longer saw me as me. Which is frustrating because I am nothing like my mother. He resented her for divorcing him. My guess is he may be very low on the NPD spectrum. Non malignant. Cerebral and covert. His passing was quick. He fell because his heart wasn't working properly and he wasn't getting enough oxygen and he passed out. They were going to put something in his heart to help but then he had a massive stroke. I did get a message passed to him before he died. I told him I loved him, I forgave him and I was proud that I had such a intelligent good sense of humored man as my dad. He couldn't speak. I was told his reaction wasn't negative. But it wasn't positive either. When I called him and told him I was seeking a divorce, he started crying and told me to call him in a few days. This upset me greatly. Yet again he was making it about himself. Yet again I felt abandoned emotionally as I had my entire life by him. I didn't call him because I didn't feel it was my job to call him. He should call me. I am his daughter. I needed his shoulder, his love. I already had enough emotional crap on my plate. I couldn't support him emotionally on top of everything else I was going through. This was always how it was with my family. I was there to fill them emotionally but no one ever filled me.

He never called me. Three months later I got a letter from him. All that was in it was Bible verses against divorce. I never heard from him again. Three years after that- I wrote him a letter to purge myself of all the things that he had done that hurt me. I explained how it affected me and my choices in life. I also told him I forgave him but I had walked away because I didn't want to give him another chance to abandon me again. That I felt we couldn't have a relationship till we were in heaven and healed. A year later my cousin made me question that. So I sent him a Christmas card. All it said was Merry Christmas and love from me. He never replied. My cousin confirmed he got it. The only reason I knew he was in the hospital was my cousin told me. I wasn't supposed to know. They got upset with her for telling me so in order to find out he died- I had to Google and find his obituary. He chose to not have a funeral. My brother wasn't very nice about it either. He knew everything but was abiding by our father's wishes. He mostly didn't want my sister to know. She is bipolar and very manipulative. Loves to create drama, isn't above stealing etc. My brother admitted my sister and mother are stressing him out majorly and he is ready to be done with all family. I guess I am included in that. He and I had lost touch. I had tried to get back in touch but he doesn't seem open. He seems to be angry with me for walking away from my mom and dad.

Now to the reason I am writing. On top of all this- my mother and sister are acting up again. I have them blocked on my phone but my phone sucks. It still allows them to leave a message. I let my boyfriend listen to them and summarize if I need to hear anything. They changed their phone numbers so I had to block the new numbers too. I accidentally called my mom when I was trying to block her number. I hung up right away. She called back and left a voicemail. I deleted it. My mother is uBPD. She loves to play victim and waif. Everyone falls for it. She has smeared me. My sister is mad because she now has to take care of my mother. Hey- I did it for 38 years. Enjoy. Your turn. They try to threaten me that I'm out of the will. I don't care. I don't need or want anyone's money. My mom turned my niece and nephew against me too. They both have had a rough life. My sister abused them. I tried to get them away but failed. They seem to be happy with their relationship with my mother. So I chose to not hurt them more by telling them the truth. I figure it is easier for them to have their beliefs about her and enjoy the relationship as long as she isn't hurting them.

But of course my mom tries to use everyone to make me feel guilty. My step brother friend requested me on Facebook. I had already been friends with my step sister and step niece. They had never said anything negative to me- so I assumed it was okay. He saw my post at Thanksgiving for being thankful for family. I meant my friends that have become family, my boyfriend's family that have become family and my extended family that I have become closer to. I had to create my own family otherwise I would be completely alone. I am grateful for thse people. He messaged me on messenger and said " I have seen all the thankful for family posts, was just wondering if you have talked to your mom lately".

I was beyond angry seeing this. I haven't talked to him in a decade. And even then- we barely spoke. I haven't really talked to him since we were teenagers. He doesn't know anything about my life or my relationship with my mother. He lives and has lived 900 miles away for decades. I just can't believe people have the gall to say things when they don't know both sides of the story or haven't even talked to you in years. It was late at night when I saw it. I decided I should sleep on it before replying .Unfortunately my mind decided 3 am was a great time to think about it. 

I decided that I am tired of her smearing me. But I don't want to drag her through the mud either. I have forgiven her. I just choose to remain no contact. My reply to him was this. "If I were you, I wouldn't insert myself into things I don't know anything about. I wouldn't presume to know either when I only heard one side of the story. I also wouldn't think it would even be my place to put my nose in and get in the middle of a relationship. I know mother plays the victim quite well. I have forgiven her. But I choose to not be around it. I have worked too hard for too long and spent too much money in therapy to achieve peace and have no desire to be brought back into the dysfunction. A healthy mother would never say when she isn't getting her way that she wished she never had her children. She said it in order to manipulate and control. That is just one of many things. I have no desire to smear her. I know she has her own demons which is why she is the way she is. But I am tired of her smearing me and playing the victim. There is more to the story. I accepted your friend request thinking you were truly going to be friends with me. I didn't expect you to be her voice by proxy. So I will have to end that connection because that is a boundary of mine. It took me too many years to give myself the gift of peace. I earned it and I won't let anyone take it away".

I defriended and blocked him, his sister and niece just in case they are also flying monkeys. Sorry this is so long. Thoughts?

[beatricex]

Hi onesmartcookie39,
Wow, I have to say I hear you and there is clarity.  It took guts to write that to your mom's flying monkey, and there you did it, just like that!  very proud of you, I don't know if that was hard or easy for you, but I am inspired.

I always wonder if I should bring up my Therapy when responding to my flying monkeys.  I imagine they will laugh when I say it, feel sorrry for me, and offer that as "proof" (in their minds) that see, I'm the crazy one.

It's sad, but I feel very important we speak our mind.

Besides my Mom my sister leans heavily toward BPD as well, so I completely relate to your entire story.  In my sister's case, however, her husband of 20 something years finally left her last year and he was always on my side (if fact he was the only one in my family on my side).  So, I did a very Karpman thing and emailed my sister a bunch of times and basically told her "I laughed my head off" that her husband finally left her.  I also explained my therapy journey and how she hurt me being my Mom's flying monkey for Years.  I pointed out that I never did that, I didn't glom on when Mom was scapegoating someone.  I know it was very disfunctional, and today i'm not proud of it, but for the first time in my life I actually stood up to her.  So, while not perfect, it had its intended effect.

I will say that I fretted, I mean high anxiety, that she would claim i was harrassing her.  I did put a disclaimer out ahead of my rant that if she didn't want to read my emails, she should block me.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.  LOL  and again, thanks for sharing your story, it truly inspires me
 
b

[onesmartcookie39]

Hi onesmartcookie39,
Wow, I have to say I hear you and there is clarity.  It took guts to write that to your mom's flying monkey, and there you did it, just like that!  very proud of you, I don't know if that was hard or easy for you, but I am inspired.

I always wonder if I should bring up my Therapy when responding to my flying monkeys.  I imagine they will laugh when I say it, feel sorrry for me, and offer that as "proof" (in their minds) that see, I'm the crazy one.

It's sad, but I feel very important we speak our mind.

Besides my Mom my sister leans heavily toward BPD as well, so I completely relate to your entire story.  In my sister's case, however, her husband of 20 something years finally left her last year and he was always on my side (if fact he was the only one in my family on my side).  So, I did a very Karpman thing and emailed my sister a bunch of times and basically told her "I laughed my head off" that her husband finally left her.  I also explained my therapy journey and how she hurt me being my Mom's flying monkey for Years.  I pointed out that I never did that, I didn't glom on when Mom was scapegoating someone.  I know it was very disfunctional, and today i'm not proud of it, but for the first time in my life I actually stood up to her.  So, while not perfect, it had its intended effect.

I will say that I fretted, I mean high anxiety, that she would claim i was harrassing her.  I did put a disclaimer out ahead of my rant that if she didn't want to read my emails, she should block me.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.  LOL  and again, thanks for sharing your story, it truly inspires me
 
b

I have been at this for some time. I knew my family had issues once they started at age 11. My sister was diagnosed bipolar when I was a teenager. We have no other formal diagnoses. Other than me. I have cPTSD, OCD and generalized anxiety disorder.  But hey, no PDs. #winning. Lol. There but for the grace of God go I. Unfortunately none of my family has sought therapy other than me. That is why they are such a hot mess. I would never know what healthy looks like, boundaries,  that I am only responsible for me etc had I never sought help. I would have been enmeshed for forever. I am grateful for the day 9 years ago my mother told me she wished she never had us. That led me to Google manipulative mother which led me to this site and my lightbulb moment. I shared it with my dad and he said it explained his entire marriage. I think he may be uNPD because I know they gravitate towards each other and he does have a few of the signs. And it would explain how I got into a relationship with a very high on the spectrum NPD/psychopath as he easily mined me and figured out my weak spot daddy issues, filled them and hooked me. I have done a lot of work. Had to practice boundaries a lot. No contact. And learn to fight guilt. Speak my truth. And be my own advocate.  Because no one else will be and because in the end, it is my responsibility.  I mentioned the therapy because hey, what I have Responsibly chosen is backed by a professional so.  Lol I am glad my story helped you some and I am glad you got it off your chest. That is what I hope to do. If anything good can come out of this crap, it makes it less useless pain. Ya know? It is funny because when I wrote my letters to my family to get everything off my chest and move on, I also did a disclaimer. I said everyone is getting one and no one is singled out. Lol