Devaluation?

[Voudou]

So there was an incident that triggered my partner. To make matters worse, I was sleeping when she was trying to understand what was happening. I attempted to apologize and empathize but will admit I was slightly, but honestly not overly, defensive. Since this has occurred she has grown cold.

Would this be an example of devaluation. She says we should take things lightly and will not commit to our holiday plans or any plans for that matter. She gets on this almost superiority high horse and her words and tone change with me.

I of course am hurt but have not responded for fear of making it worse or her breaking up with me. I feel at a loss. I feel demoted and devalued. I am just looking for some advice. I read several posts but none of them really spelled out next steps. Do I ignore her? Do I let it ride and accept all of the coldness and restriction? I just feel like I am again on the losing end of this deal. I want things to improve between us, I do.

Thank you!



 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Voudou]

I guess I am just afraid if I address the issue it will make it worse, but if I ignore her that she will end the relationship.

[Cat Familiar]

How do you see this relationship evolving? Do you feel you can speak about your needs?

[Voudou]

Honestly, it is difficult right now. We are reconciling (again) after a 3-month breakup. At first, things seemed different. She started therapy, I started therapy. It just seems as if things have slowly begun to devolve again. I don't question my desire to be with her but until I am confident, I am shot in the esteem department. I question the validity of my feelings and basically have just started to keep my mouth shut because I found myself feeling defensive which I know will get me nowhere.

[Cat Familiar]

What about her makes you want this relationship to work out?

[Voudou]

I want this relationship to work out because I have found someone who accepts everything about me. She gives me the freedom to be myself. I accept her as she is. She is a wonderful, loving, and compassionate person. I know this disorder can be challenging, frustrating, and stressful for all involved but I know she is worth my best effort. I cannot discard her for being a pwBPD. There are dealbreakers, as with any relationship, but it is my hope that I will not have to face those things. I am learning. I am doing what I can to be supportive. I guess it will be trial and error before I can rest easier. I am blessed that she is not a physically violent person. I am just hoping I can find balance within myself to deal with all that this disorder throws at me.

[once removed]

what is it that triggered her? what was the incident?

what was the ensuing argument like?

the details of all of this matter significantly when it comes to next steps.