How do you deal with gaslighting?

[mssalty]

Or more importantly, how do you prove you did or didn’t do something if they accuse you of doing it or not doing it. 

I’m not talking about big things, I’m talking about little things that you plausibly could have done or not done but you have no memory of doing it or you’re certain you did.  Taking out the garbage.  Shutting the garage door.  Misplacing their things (accusations usually fly when they can’t find something).   

[ThanksForPlaying]

Keep it simple.
- "I thought I did take out the trash."
- "I did take out the trash." (if you are more sure of it)

Don't apologize.
- NOT "I'm sorry, I thought I did take out the trash."
- NOT "I'm sorry, I don't know where your keys are."

If it makes you feel better, you can substitute some empathy.
- "Oh man, losing your keys sucks, I don't know where your keys are."
- "I hate it when I lose my own keys, that's frustrating, I don't know where your keys are."

And then just move on.  Try to avoid getting drawn into the inevitable long tirade about the incident - you've already made your comment.  Don't let it take up space in your brain any longer, especially if it's a relatively minor incident.  If you've made the choice to stay with this person, you'll have to learn to discard the minor stuff, and pick your battles.  Note that this is NOT the same as denying that there's a problem.  It's just prioritizing problems and not letting the minor stuff take up too much of your time.  We know there will be plenty of larger battles to fight.

(just my thoughts - no literature citations for this stuff)

[Mutt]

I just want to top up with this link to our article on JADE.

Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

[formflier]

Also...being deliberate about whether or not the question or accusation even needs an answer.

Especially "accusations".  pwBPD seem to love to "put people on the witness stand". 

I used to jump up on the witness stand at every opportunity and would usually "prove" myself to be virtuous and that the accusation wasn't true.  To me (at the time)...that sounded like good stuff for the relationship.  Yet my relationship got worse and worse.

Eventually I stopped accepting the offer to get on the witness stand.  Sure, my pwBPD pitched a fit...but things slowly got better.

What if, instead of getting on the witness stand we found something valid to validate?  Hmmm?

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Thoughts?

Best,

FF