Need suggestions: how to bring up uBPDh's inappropriate anger towards kid

[Chosen]

Background: uBPDh is stay-at-home dad to our 2 kids, 4.5 and 2.5.  He does a great job, but because of the BPD tendencies, he would have explosive anger when feeling invalidated.  Another observation is that he claims to be very liberal, and would offer choices, but when he doesn't like your choice he would react negatively. (this has happened in his conversations with me, his parents, kids... so you understand why I'm hesitant to bring up the issue)

4.5 doesn't like cow's milk.  She isn't allergic to it, but for the past 2 years has indicated she doesn't want to drink it.  But sometimes she doesn't mind it so much in her cereal.  This morning when H gave her her cereal, she kind of "questioned" him by saying "is there only cow's milk?"  And he then exploded on her, saying "do you now want it then?  Do you never want cow's milk then?"  Obviously she cried and stuff, and he made her another cereal with non-cow's milk.

I had to leave for work so I couldn't chip in, and anyhow, at that point, if I had said anything, he would've interpreted it as "I'm on 4.5's side and not on his side".  If I had said anything then, it would've made things worse. 

But I felt really sorry for 4.5, for a few reasons:

1. 4.5 is not picky when it comes to food.  Cow's milk is one of the very few things she just doesn't like.  It's not like she refuses every other thing. 

2. This has happened before.  At least once previously, 4.5 was refusing the milk, H exploded on her, and forced her to say whether or not she will have the milk in future.  He said that if she said no, he wouldn't give it to her.  Made it sound like she wasn't clear about it, and sometimes she takes it so he made it for her.  She said no, she doesn't want it in future. 

I'm not saying whether or not a child should drink milk.  I'm saying H seemingly offered 4.5 a choice, but then disregarded her choice and then blew up on her when she was given something she didn't want.  For me, the acceptable situation would be:

a. H believes she should have whatever is put on her table, doesn't let 4.5 express her opinion (after all, she is not allergic to the food, and she doesn't have it every day, so I get it if he doesn't want her to be picky).  If she says she doesn't like it, he tells her she has to eat it even if she doesn't like it; or

b. Accepts her opinion that she doesn't want the milk anymore, and not give it to her in future.

Problem is, when I get back home, they would be ok, 4.5 would have seemingly forgotten the episode, and H would of course not mention it.  If I bring it up, say after the kids are asleep, it may bring rage upon myself.  Also I feel like he wouldn't accept the fact that he wasn't respectful to her (by asking her and then just disregarding her opinion), would feel attacked, and may accuse me to dictating how he parents.  May also bring up the "well you take care of all their meals from now on if you're so good at it" attack (which is completely unrelated to this incident, but I see how he might say it to switch the blame on me).

I checked out DEARMAN, but it doesn't seem too appropriate for this scenario.  Currently, I can't think of any good way to bring this up and be non-accusatory.  Ideally, I would like to remind him that he has "promised" 4.5 previously that if she said she didn't want milk, she wouldn't be served it anymore.  But then she clearly said she didn't want it, and he served it again, then was angry when she wasn't happy about it.  Anyone have any suggestions on how to tackle this without making things worse?  Thanks. 

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[kells76]

Hey Chosen;

Sounds like your H has a difficult time being patient and age-appropriate with the kids if he isn't at baseline. Instead of him being able to model flexible thinking and managed emotions, he is reacting at a 9/10 to something that is really a 2/10.

I am more of a "trees" than a "forest" person, so a couple of ideas spring to mind for working with the specific details of this conflict. That being said, I think at the end of the day it's not really about the milk, and I think you probably agree.

First instinct is to separate out the parties and work with each individually on their "strand" of the interwoven conflict.

So am I tracking correctly that your D will drink/use other stuff like oat milk, almond milk, goat milk... etc?

One way to just bypass this conflict could be to empower her to make her own cereal. Yeah, 4.5 is kind of young, but this is a unique situation where maybe it's better that she learn sooner. You can stock multiple kinds of milk beverages and start teaching her to pick one for herself. If the milk containers are too big, you could consider buying the "school lunch" size half pint containers, or buying the full size ones and pouring kid-size servings into smaller jars at home, labeling them with "cow milk" or "almond milk" or whatever, maybe drawing a picture on them if she's not reading yet. Also, I don't know how much extra time you have in the mornings, but you could consider taking the lead on setting milk containers on the table -- just putting out a few varieties, she picks one, and then cleanup happens however it happens, with the unused ones going back in the fridge.

Another idea is that you could consider talking separately with DH when you sense he's receptive/at baseline. I wonder if you guys could be on the same page with some sentiments of "gee D4.5 sure is growing up fast... what if we let her make her own cereal... give her a chance to try some more grown up things that aren't too high pressure... see how she does with that new responsibility... she might have some bumps in the road, how do you think we can be there for her". Where the conversation isn't about pointing fingers but takes the positive angle of empowering the kids in trying something new. I don't know a ton of your back story but it sounds like anything that comes across as blame to your H is a conversation ender...? So if his role is taken out of the conversation, and it's about helping D4.5 do something new, maybe that's an angle that works around blame/fault and moves towards problem solving together.

I'm not saying whether or not a child should drink milk.  I'm saying H seemingly offered 4.5 a choice, but then disregarded her choice and then blew up on her when she was given something she didn't want.

I'm with you -- I think you are pointing out the real issue. The conflict isn't really about the milk, it's about H's ability to regulate, manage emotions, and have flexible thinking. Does he struggle with "quick changes" in other areas?

[I Am Redeemed]

How much do you think this happens during the day?

This is only an incident you happened to witness, and first thing in the morning, at that.

Do you really think your h has the emotional stability to care for two young children all day? Because let me tell you, even as a non BPD, it's very hard for me to be home all day with my 5 year old. I had 4-day off stretches during the holidays and I had to take a few timeouts for myself because young children can be exhausting.

Even if you speak to your h about this and he agrees with your point of view, it doesn't mean that in the present emotional moment he will be able to stop and regulate himself or take a time out until he can.

[Pinkcamellias]

I agree with I am Redeemed. Since Covid it seems my husbands attitude towards our children has gone from mostly good and rarely sour to mostly sour and sometimes good. He attacks them for everything. The kids and I disappear to my moms most weekends. But as the other poster suggested maybe discuss it when he’s at his most calmest and help your daughter have a milk alternative readily available and easy for her to self serve.

[formflier]

I would add that it is important to moderate your expectations for change and take this on in "small bites".  Realize there will be lots of backsliding.  Lots.

3 steps forward, 2 back...2 forward, 1 back. 

Best,

FF