Haves and have nots- the covid chapter

[Letloverule]

At work today I was told I’m eligible to take the covid vaccine today. I let my SOwBPD know that since we were already texting this morning...and it was a oh btw. She said oh that’s great.

A few hours later I get my shot and I’m given a vaccine card. I took a picture of it and sent it to my parents who are doctors and scientists to let them know. I also sent it to my SO and said I feel fine (ie no reactions).

She responds with you’re very lucky. I said I know- I wasn’t expecting it until later on ( iwork at a hospital but don’t treat patients). Then it begins...

You all take care of yourselves well enough
Now the rest of us will wait another year or so for our turn in line. I’m quite furious with you now that I’ve had time to think. You’re silver spoon has literally never left your mouth. The idea that you would present this to me in the way that you did instead of being ashamed that you were provided something we both need -it’s disgusting. I’d never feel comfortable acting that way towards you. If I can’t find a way around how I feel, I won’t be here when you get home.

What...? My stomach just hits the floor. And I just feel emotional whiplash...anger (what the hell?) shame (why did I even send it to her?) fear (whatever I say next is going to be trashed) confusion (but everything felt fine 5 mins ago)

I take a deep breath and respond with:

I see where you are coming from given your entire experience of me. I’m sorry you saw it as parading or needling. Ironically I hesitated sending anything and to just keep quiet. My dad directly inquired and I responded with the picture.
Honestly don’t know why I sent it to you. Maybe to follow up on the earlier note in the morning. Regardless it wasn’t needed.

It just devolves. I call her and it’s an escalation into “you found the perfect way to ruin the holiday. have fun with your vaccine. You didn’t think there was any need to show humility because your SO is still exposed.”

She doesn’t work. She barely leaves the house. The only exposure is from me.

She consistently points to this whole me vs you theme.
You make the money, I cook and clean
You’re “the boss” and I’m “your maid”
You’re spoiled and selfish, I was neglected and abused
You now have the vaccine, I’m with the general public who will have to wait.

When I leave work she won’t be there. I don’t know when she’ll be back.

I’m so angry.
Just needed to vent. Any insights are welcome.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Well. Understood. Yep. Ugh. How are you doing now?

[Letloverule]

she called a few hours later and said she was coming home because she was tired.
During her time away I reflected on the essence of her rage. I get it. What I can’t handle is the rage.
She came home and acted normal. She spoke to me in a calm tone about what she meant. I said I get it and there’s nothing I can do right now. She agreed.

This morning I remained guarded and she picked up on it saying why are you so grumpy? you’re in a weird mood.
in my head: because when is the next whiplash going to happen?
out of mouth: sorry.

after a pleasant breakfast she suddenly springs and said: let’s go to this place. it’s 12 hours but we can take the dogs and get a cheap place to stay easily.

I said that’s too long for the dogs. It’s very short notice and you know how I am with not planning things. It’s stressful.

FINE. I COOK AND CLEAN FOR YOU AND YOU NEVER WANT TO GO ON ANY KIND OF ADVENTURE.

Silent treatment.

See? There was a reason to be guarded
Fml.

[formflier]

  What I can’t handle is the rage.
 

I agree.  Rage used to be a big part of my relationship...very distressing.

Is there something in particular about her rage that really doesn't work for you?

Have you ever tried letting her rage or not, and not participating in it? 

I bet when can help you figure out some different strategies to improve things.

Best,

FF

[EyesUp]

Very similar situation with my wife.

She's been ranting about prisoners and elderly in care homes receiving priority in the CDC recommendations, and in our state's rollout plan, yet also ranting against wearing masks ("doesn't do any good anyway, why are people who do everything right being punished?") because she doesn't like wearing a mask at the gym.

She's been tested 6x times, but is always convinced that she's infected and that all her friends will hate her if she's infected...

Can't win.

I'm working hard to redirect.  There is no rational discussion to be had in my case, I suspect it's the same for you.  Let's keep looking forward.

Best of luck with your challenges this season and in the new year.