The worst part

[Depression = 72% of members]

For me, the worst part of being with a BPD spouse is how they devalue you, which turns into hate over time. When once you believed this person was the "love of your life" and thought they adored you more than anyone before -- giving you the highest self esteem and confidence you've ever had -- you learn fairly soon it's all a mirage. I suspect all BPD individuals are pretty good actors because they are the best daters in the world and make you believe all of love and adoration -- and great sex -- is real.

But soon after they secure your commitment, they start devaluing you. When once you could do no wrong in their eyes, you soon find that you can do no right. She hates your job, you don't ever make enough money, you can never get gifts right, you can never fix anything right (and they seem to break a lot if things), they don't let you parent because you're a horrible parent (in my case, step-parent), they stop celebrating your achievements, they devalue your talents, they cut you out of planning, and they dislike your friends and family. At first, you keep believing if you just work harder or do better, they'll come back to you again. But that never happens. In fact, just the opposite happens. They turn away from you and, over time, eventually hate most things about you. You feel alone -- in my case, she has largely slept on the couch now for much of the last 4 years and she has turned her children against me -- and that you're ugly, undesirable and a failure, regardless of what you do. Nothing is ever good enough to please them.

We've now been together for a little over 9 years and married for just under 8. As I look back, all but the first year and possibly 3 months in our marriage when we were trying to reconcile (and she was nervous about me leaving) ranged between unhappy and miserable. There are incidents that should be red flags during dating, but they eventually deceive you more with their seeming unlimited love, so you blindly move along. Then once you make the commitment -- and they push the idea of love and marriage fast -- you are completely bewildered when they quickly turn away from you and completely disregard your needs. You stop being the person you used to be because you try to conform to what you think they want to make them love you again. You stop spending as much time with your friends and family, because they don't like them, and instead, find yourself with her friends and family all the time because you think that's what they want to become happy again.

But in the end, you need to know whatever you do and no matter how hard you try, you'll just wind up feeling like a disappointment and alone. And by the time you reach my stage in the relationship, now that they've completely broken you down and devalued who you are and what you're good at, they just hate you. She actually has told me she hates me multiple times in recent weeks during the holidays, which have almost always been miserable during my time with her. Before her, I used to love December and the holidays. Now it's my least favorite month of the year.

Here was the most horrible thing. I'm a prostate cancer survivor. I actually caught it early and, in spite of the terrible treatment options, made it through pretty well, although not understandably perfect physically. When we dated, she celebrated how good and active I was in the bedroom. She told me, "You kicked cancer's ass," and told me I wasn't broken, just different. But soon after we got married, she has now told me I'm a "disappointment" and "a lousy lover." She has also criticized me physically where it counts. It's all been diabolically dehumanizing.

[TorturedMan]

For me, the worst part of being with a BPD spouse is how they devalue you, which turns into hate over time. When once you believed this person was the "love of your life" and thought they adored you more than anyone before -- giving you the highest self esteem and confidence you've ever had -- you learn fairly soon it's all a mirage. I suspect all BPD individuals are pretty good actors because they are the best daters in the world and make you believe all of love and adoration -- and great sex -- is real.

But soon after they secure your commitment, they start devaluing you. When once you could do no wrong in their eyes, you soon find that you can do no right. She hates your job, you don't ever make enough money, you can never get gifts right, you can never fix anything right (and they seem to break a lot if things), they don't let you parent because you're a horrible parent (in my case, step-parent), they stop celebrating your achievements, they devalue your talents, they cut you out of planning, and they dislike your friends and family. At first, you keep believing if you just work harder or do better, they'll come back to you again. But that never happens. In fact, just the opposite happens. They turn away from you and, over time, eventually hate most things about you. You feel alone -- in my case, she has largely slept on the couch now for much of the last 4 years and she has turned her children against me -- and that you're ugly, undesirable and a failure, regardless of what you do. Nothing is ever good enough to please them.

We've now been together for a little over 9 years and married for just under 8. As I look back, all but the first year and possibly 3 months in our marriage when we were trying to reconcile (and she was nervous about me leaving) ranged between unhappy and miserable. There are incidents that should be red flags during dating, but they eventually deceive you more with their seeming unlimited love, so you blindly move along. Then once you make the commitment -- and they push the idea of love and marriage fast -- you are completely bewildered when they quickly turn away from you and completely disregard your needs. You stop being the person you used to be because you try to conform to what you think they want to make them love you again. You stop spending as much time with your friends and family, because they don't like them, and instead, find yourself with her friends and family all the time because you think that's what they want to become happy again.

But in the end, you need to know whatever you do and no matter how hard you try, you'll just wind up feeling like a disappointment and alone. And by the time you reach my stage in the relationship, now that they've completely broken you down and devalued who you are and what you're good at, they just hate you. She actually has told me she hates me multiple times in recent weeks during the holidays, which have almost always been miserable during my time with her. Before her, I used to love December and the holidays. Now it's my least favorite month of the year.

Here was the most horrible thing. I'm a prostate cancer survivor. I actually caught it early and, in spite of the terrible treatment options, made it through pretty well, although not understandably perfect physically. When we dated, she celebrated how good and active I was in the bedroom. She told me, "You kicked cancer's ass," and told me I wasn't broken, just different. But soon after we got married, she has now told me I'm a "disappointment" and "a lousy lover." She has also criticized me physically where it counts. It's all been diabolically dehumanizing.

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[lenfan]

Sorry to hear you're going through that. I have had a similar experience and identify with much of what you say, except that my  relationship and  devaluation have been going on longer, and not quite as cruelly as what you are going through. Have any of the books and strategies described on this website helped you at all?   

[TorturedMan]

Some of the advice on the website has helped and, after reading other posts, I realize that I'm not alone in my struggle. Yet it doesn't really ease the hurt from feeling that you were "taken" by a cunning deception.

The holidays, 9 years ago, is when our relationship really took it up a notch. It was AMAZING. I was coming off another divorce and, as I previously mentioned, the depression of having been treated for prostate cancer. I never imagined someone would find me so desirable. And as I learned about a year later when things were dramatically changing AFTER moving back to her from the Midwest, it was just a mirage. A painful lesson in life: if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

We remain married but largely separated here in the same house now with her two kids. She has no interest in me romantically and sleeps daily on the couch. When I raised anything about my needs being met, she would fight me on it and typically turn it into criticism of me on EVERYTHING, eventually building to her claims of hatred. It appears we both want out, but she has been married three times before and certainly won't go quietly or inexpensively.

It has been the WORST holiday season ever!

[Cat Familiar]

Yet it doesn't really ease the hurt from feeling that you were "taken" by a cunning deception.

I know the feeling. I often would tell myself I was “duped” by my ex husband, who intensely love bombed me at the beginning, only to soon turn into a serial cheater, layabout, and abuser.

It sounds like you both are considering ending the marriage, and your concern is that you’ll be taken to the cleaners by this woman who has been through the process already a few times.

In the meantime, what are some of the most contentious issues plaguing your relationship?

[TorturedMan]

The biggest issues are that neither of us loves the other now. I would say I tried to keep loving her, but she checked out and gave it no effort. She despises the mundane daily life -- you know, getting up, going to work, coming home, doing an activity or two, watching TV, going to bed. When I would take her out, it was typically on my suggestion and while it was pleasant, I would pay for it and she wouldn't even give me a kiss at the end of the night. Sex, of course, was out of the question now. It's been 15 months since we last had it. I raised that issue with her and she blames body image and menopause. While those are plausible, do they really kill any hope of having sex with your spouse? It feels like she's getting it from toys and possibly somewhere else. Who knows? But she definitely doesn't want it with me. Who knew getting married would be a death sentence to sex?

Aside from that, she's got a drinking problem. And when she's out with a certain friend -- who also has a drinking problem -- they stay out late and practice risky behavior. Two Sundays ago, we agreed to meet back at the house at 5 to go grocery shopping or do more holiday decorating. But she blew me off because she was "baking cookies" with her friend all day. She finally showed up drunk about 9:30. That started our latest round of fighting. She had actually been out with that friend until a little after 9 the night before.

Then there's the issue that she turned her now 19-year-old son against me two years ago when she made me the villain during a 1:1 she had with him. He hasn't spoken with me since, even though he lives free at my house where he does NOTHING -- no school, no job, no chores to help around the house...NOTHING! I bought him his first 2 phones, but he broke both of them -- the latest this past spring. She said he needed a new phone and I told her I wasn't buying him a phone until he starts acting civil and talking to me again. She said she couldn't do anything about that, but I didn't buy him the phone. At Christmas, he asked for one again and I told her again that the talking condition still stands. She fought about it, of course, and promptly went out and bought it for him anyway, rewarding his behavior towards me.

I guess those are the main issues.