Having trouble detaching

[Cats21]

I’m having trouble moving on from a short but intense relationship that ended a year ago. I very quickly fell in love with someone who in retrospect exhibited a variety of highly unstable  personality traits. I’m having trouble letting go of the idea of them as a loving person who wanted to be with me and accepting the reality of what happened. They also blamed a lot of their impulsive and destructive behavior on me, saying “they weren’t usually like this,” they “worried about me ________ing with them,” “I wouldn’t know if I was,” when I tried to assert that my intentions were neutral or good, etc. though I know enough of their life history to know their behavior was not a result of me being evil or manipulative, but more a result of me being a present and loving partner who is used to co-expressing and mutual accountability in relationships, I struggle to let go of the shame. I feel somewhat limited in life, like I’m psychically avoiding them. They live in a a different city and I fret about someday going there, even though it is a city I love and maybe even want to move to. I want to detach my heart from all this. There has been a lot of healing but I’m not where I want to be and I’m struggling to see what’s next.

[BPDsysiphus]

"They also blamed a lot of their impulsive and destructive behavior on me"

Mine did the same. In literally the same text/breath she confessed to sneaking around behind my back with another man for the 3rd time while also saying she was tired of being a emotional "punching bag", "scapegoat", and "reason everything goes wrong". No apology, no remorse, just making herself out to be the victim, as usual.

I too still struggle with the seemingly dual personalities. The day before we had that argument, we had gone to my parents gravesite to lay a wreath (her idea). She even came early in the morning xmas day to spend time and exchange gifts and cuddle.

How can this kind, affectionate, thoughtful, sweet person who tells me she loves me and wants to work on things lie to my face, swearing on my life, continue engaging with multiple men behind my back and probably screwing around too.

There is no rational reason and we'll drive ourselves mad trying to make sense of it. The only answer is to walk away.

[Goosey]

I posted a lot last couple days.
I was on the road working alone with too much time to mull over the demise (implosion) of my marriage to bpd partner.
  So I’m home for a couple days. I get to see my dogs and relax and I feel better.
  So I’ll look at the bright side of this mess.
My daughter has contact again with her mom. It seems to be helpful to them both. I think there is mutual respect now instead of a one sided power thing.  I have drilled it into my head to stay positive and neutral. It’s a good thing.
   So I think I have to take my giant dogs with me next work trip. That way I spent my time detangling their leashes at a rest stop instead of weeping haha(kinda).
  I have no contact with my future ex. It’s just too much to be subjected to the same tired accusations. Those crazy lies have damaged  my trust in any future relationships. I just don’t have the energy  for a repeat.
   I know my inner feelings are in a quandary. I know she is in a new relationship. And I know that’s why I have been discarded. (Meaning she doesn’t torment me anymore). So for her the new relationship has stabilized her and I am honestly happy for that.
  Then there is the misguided “hurt” I feel. How could she? It’s so twisted how I get. 
  So I’ll stick with “it’s quiet and everyone is safe” and count that as a blessing.
I wish her well and all of us well.