Extended family and complications

[merelytrying]

Yet another night where I can't go back to sleep because my uBPD husband woke me up to investigate a noise he heard... oh well.

So, as with many people, Christmas is complicated. My husband comes from a family where both parents were abused and abusive, and he's not the only one with resulting issues. When we arrived at his brother's house last night, said brother was in the middle of a rage over an unimportant issue... and it all seemed very familiar. Another brother is now abusive towards his elderly mother. A third just avoids all family functions these days. The general consensus is that they all "turn into their father" when things go wrong... I never met the man.

The longer I'm a part of the family, the more I learn the similarities. In a way, it's helpful to identify with the other people in the family, but I also feel it's too tempting for me to say something I shouldn't about my husband... I have a feeling that to tell one person would be to tell everyone. I also may or may not have been wise to alert other family members to some more specifics of the elder abuse that's going on. That may come back to bite me, but I thought it was important...

I'm sure this isn't a unique situation. Time to try sleep again, though.

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[formflier]

Why do you think your hubby wakes you up?  How long has this been going on?

Very...VERY wise of you to realize that telling one is likely "telling all".   

Does it help you to come here and tell us about what is going on?


Best,

FF

[iwashere]

I found the timing interesting with you saying telling one is likely telling all.

I just had a similar experience. My significant other was talking to her best friend. Best friend then called me and said I need to do something about it because she is talking about hurting herself. So I explained the situation to her best friend, supposedly in confidence, and gave her an article that I recommended she read and I said please take a look at this info before you say or do anything else so that you understand what we go through on a daily basis. The next day my significant other had screenshots of text messages and voicemails of the conversation, along with some added commentary from the “best friend” on how I am telling people she is crazy. So it is definitely wise to be very very cautious on who you tell what.

[merelytrying]

Why do you think your hubby wakes you up?  How long has this been going on?

-FF

I wish I knew... I think it's in part because he misses me (I have to sleep in a recliner most of the night), and partly for other reasons. He has lots of nightmares and says he can't move for the first 5-10 minutes when he wakes up. There's also what seems to be a complete inability to understand how noisy he is when he's awake and I'm sleeping. I've learned not to argue about that any more. He also has a full time job, and I don't. So there's the thinking that his sleep is more important than mine.

I just had a similar experience

--iwashere

A good cautionary tale!  I'll continue to hold my tongue. You know, though, I'm finding that now that I'm talking about it to a couple of people (and you guys!), it's harder to maintain the facade with everyone else.

Does it help you to come here and tell us about what is going on?

-FF

It does... and to listen to other people's experiences, too. It helps to know I'm not alone, and lots of other people understand what I'm going through. I don't feel qualified to offer advice most of the time, but soo much is familiar! I don't wanna over-vent, though, since people have limited time to offer. But still, thank you all.  

I was disappointed, on the other hand, to watch a "family" Christmas movie this year, have one character [and her relationship with her husband] remind me of myself, and then find out that she was the one in an abusive relationship. The rest of the family rescued her and kicked him out. Not helpful.

[formflier]

OK...point of clarification.  So it appears you guys don't sleep together in the same bed.  Is that right?

Are you in the same room?

Have you guys discussed this arrangment?

Have you guys discussed his apparent habit of waking you up to investigate things he believes he has heard?

I'm curious why he wouldn't investigate the noises he has heard?  Or at least ask you if you have heard them.

It appears you don't hear them, yet you go on searches for things he has heard yet you haven't.  (do I have this right?)  Does he seem appreciative of this?

Best,

FF

[iwashere]

You know, though, I'm finding that now that I'm talking about it to a couple of people (and you guys!), it's harder to maintain the facade with everyone else.

I do have to say that the more I have read in books and web sites, and the more stories from other people here that sound exactly like what we have been going through, I find it much harder to blindly say I’m doing good when someone asks me how I am doing. I now catch myself saying either I’m doing ok today or today is a good day or a today is a challenging day. I would love to be able to tell them what situation I really just came from, but can’t.  I no longer take good days for granted. :-)

And I have to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone here who shares their stories here. Having read quite a few so far that are exactly like mine, and knowing that I’m not the only one has really allowed me to feel like I can breathe again.