Looking for advice and patience

[bendinthewind]

Hello,
My husband and I have been together for 15 years and all of them tumultuous! He's an artist, an incredibly unique and interesting person and this is what I fell in love with. However there have been anger issues ongoing since the start, depression and ADHD diagnoses in between, and a lot of denial of outside help or support. Over the years, I've managed to get us as a couple to therapy, because I needed something and this version of help suited him well enough - it wasn't too personally about fixing him! That didn't last; his arguments about how much mental health support costs and how little it really did to make him feel better are legitimate. Even with decent health insurance, it's impossible to get an appt with a psychiatrist due to lack of professionals, and insurance only covers the cost of approx 6 sessions a year. Thanks for almost nothing! In any case, he's self-sufficient. He has been because he hates to ask for assistance, a proud man. When he spins out of control, he knows well enough to sit in a dark room on his own for a few days. This is highly disturbing to me, someone who came from an open home, with lots of dialogue, to a partnership with someone who needs to disappear once in a while. I feel lonely. His quiet is only covering up what I can tell is a seething self-hatred.

I suffered a burnout a few years ago, a mix of stress about the marriage and overworking - overworking myself maybe to escape the marriage? I learned a lot about myself, about my capacities for patience and about where I have to stop giving. That being said, I'm still with him. I love him still. I will always love him. I feel lonely in the relationship, but I feel so much for him and don't want to leave him.

His anger flares more and more often. I think being at home with the pandemic hasn't helped any of us but it's taking a special toll on him. As a creative painter with ADHD + depression, and suspected BPD, and who doesn't like to ask for help, he hasn't been very financially successful in his work to date. A fact that he uses to confirm his worthlessness all the time; { I'm a failure! What a waste of a life } He has studied many subjects and worked in many arenas over the course of his life (he's 58 now) and instead of seeing the beauty of such a varied and curious life, he sees it of course as useless.

I am successful in my work and just the other week the argument was how he was jealous of me. Today, he's comparing my home office (organised and tidy) with his art studio, which is a pile of stuff he's thrown around in an angry fury, as a direct comparison of our lives and how his is so very useless. I feel badly succeeding now. Or like I have to hide my own personal successes from him because he'll be jealous, and what an unattractive thing that is. Especially when I know very well that I've been dealt an easier set of cards than him, that he has had many more hurdles than anyone I know and done really well all things considered. But no, it's got to be as perfect and as easy as my success for some reason. Pride?

I don't know what to do. He refuses treatment, he refuses to call a friend, he refuses to go for a run or meditate. He's in a rut big time. This has happened in the past and lasted for a day or 2 or 3. But this month, it's been especially bad. Almost two weeks of downs and then ok neutrals, then more deep downs.

I'm crying all the time. Trying to keep it to myself but he has to know somewhere how much this is hurting me, no? Also hating myself and feeling like a doormat for being so god-damned "patient" with him all the time. Taking his crap. I can't. It's wearing me out big time.

I don't know what to ask for. I suppose a supportive ear. My family and friends don't know the extent of the s*&t I put up with to be with him. If they did, wouldn't they all tell me to run? I know I would if a friend told me the details of our relationship. That makes me feel terrible too. Am I a loser for staying?






lately,

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Here are a couple of articles for you: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships

You know you shouldn’t diminish yourself, your achievements, your success, to try and make him feel better about himself. It won’t work anyway and just leads to unhealthy patterns for you.

There’s not much you can do about his depression and unwillingness to do things.

But you can change how you respond to it, and possibly that might change the pattern of interaction between you two.

You sound like you’re depressed, which is very common for people with BPD partners. Have you thought of getting therapy for yourself? Psychology Today has a list of clinicians on their website and many are currently doing online therapy.

Have you looked into codependency? Many people who get involved with people with BPD (pwBPD) are codependent or caretakers.  
https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

Keep reading as much as you can. We have a great community built resource library. And keep posting. What specifically are issues that regularly come up between you two?

[bendinthewind]

Hi and thanks for the reply. I know you are absolutely right about not diminishing my own successes to make him feel better, it hasn't come to that yet but it feels like a possibility in these difficult moments. Just to save us from the argument or the resentment.

I can attest to being depressed, struggled with it a lot for many years and have been taking an antidepressant since my burnout a few years ago. It helps. The current 'episode', as I've come to call them, is especially intense + long lasting, so my tears right now are sheer frustration and sadness over the loss of what I always hoped could be a 'normal relationship' in a sense. I keep hoping that some magical pill or realisation will change him, there's a strong grief in really coming to terms with that being just a fairy tale.

These episodes usually start with blown up out-of-nowhere anger, then quiet / mean / self-hatred / blackness for a few days and typically last 2-4 days for him. And happen a few times a year. Stress increases them for sure. But I've learned to give him space, let it pass, take care of myself. I was almost ok with them. Except that I know he shouldn't have to suffer, that it breaks my heart to hear him talk about how useless he is, when he's a brilliant artist and also just an amazing person!

This year has just hit so hard. We live upstairs from and care for his elderly mother - dementia - and that responsibility takes it's toll on both of us as well.

The usual struggles are anger flare ups, which if not completely ignored, turn into a real mean fight from him - gaslighting, blaming. and lots of self-hatred, for being a loser. His ADHD affects our everyday, in that he's absentminded or forgetful and procrastinates a lot. These characteristics lead to bad sense of self, which leads to just not trying so he doesn't fail anymore. This sense of dread or doom is so difficult for me to have around, all the time. Like a big black cloud you can't see coming.

We don't have much physical intimacy in our marriage even though we're very affectionate with each other, but at this point, I can do without it. I just want him to feel like his life is worth living and caring for.

I will look into your references, thank-you.