Dark hole

[wwwest]

I have been married to a lady who I now know now  has NPD, finally diagnosed by a doctor I went to since she wont go in. This is the first time I had a Psycho person was able to diagnose her. before that  the Doctors I went to were so bad they demanded that I let her run the company I started and told me I had to work for her doing what she wanted me to do. They also demanded she  be allowed to control the money from it and I was not to be able to have a say in it. I don't know how doctors can do that but they did. 25 yrs and   I guess I thought it would get better but it has not.  My wife says things but never does anything to change but acts like It is all my fault. Our life is all about regrets of what she can't have  because of the people around her and her fighting everyone because they are not doing what she says they should and how it affects her.
    Me- I feel like Im on a sprint to death, working with no breaks during the day ( she complained so much to the psychologist so much about how I don't work had enough for her so with his blessing he repeatedly explained to how I was not trying hard enough since I won't work thru lunch at jobs and complained about my lack of being able to complete tasks on her time frame saying it shows how I don't know what Im doing at work. At home she is constantly complaining so Im always being scolded as to what Im doing. I just had my birthday and since I don't matter to her she did nothing for me , but as usually she did nothing for me special , she wanted to go to breakfast and then we went back home and worked on christmas gifts. Then I made dinner for us and had the birthday pie I bought myself, she wanted me to get a cake. Another birthday and I feel like I waiting for something to happen like I matter to her. She reminds me every day of what I don't do for her and since she is constantly talking for you there is no real conservation between us. Im falling into a dark whole, I have tried to get her to go to the doctor but she won't I have gone to psychologist and they sub me off to family therapist who all try to get you to live with it. Being with someone who talks for you so you don't have to and who always argues with what you say is leaving me empty, lonely and feeling like Im now going down the dark hole. this year is worse with the pandemic, Im even more cut off. Since the majority of the time I work alone and when Im with her I feel like Im alone since she does all the talking .( it is the only way to keep her from getting so upset during time when I express a different opinion that she would move into a physical motion of madness standing and yelling at me I stopped talking to keep from being threatened of violence which ended  the physical part of it but that is all) so I don't talk to her if I don't half to. I have thought about another therapist but Im afraid to lose more if I go, I already lost my business, my career my retirement, my friends. I don't know what to do.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Kelsi]

Hi. I’m very new to this board but wanted to say, I am feeling a lot of the same things.  My H completely “forgot” my birthday and was telling me what a horrible person I was most of the day, until I mentioned it was my birthday.  Then an I’m sorry over text.  I feel stuck in my situation as I’ve moved across country to be with my husband and my life is here now.  Anyway, I guess I just wanted to let you know your not alone in the way you feel and the only advice I have is to try and look out for yourself.  I’m working on self care and trying to love myself and I think that’s key in feeling better.  It’s a fight and honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with in life, and I’ve had a lot of obstacles. But, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right? Hang in there. From what your saying you are doing the best you can and I’m sorry you have to deal with these issues. 

[Cat Familiar]

It doesn’t sound like you’re getting much help from doctors in the past. Were these people she had seen, or had you seen them together?

It would be good to find a mental health professional who would seriously consider your issues with her. You may have not found someone helpful in the past, but I think if you keep looking, there might be someone who can give you better advice.

[wwwest]

Yes I wish I could find someone who  could help us, My luck with professional doctors is not good, each time I go I had more of my life taken by them. I was told by both doctors who saw us that it was my fault and I needed to give more. The doctors were very specific about how I was abusive to her by not working hard enough, he demanded I work 16 hr days 7 days a week for her was the minimum she should expect from me, he told her I was abusive because I saved for retirement and she should have access to that money for her to have now, he insisted saying I was not allowed to have retirement nor was I able to have a say in it since it was up to my wife. I was told over and over I had could not run the business I started and I had to work for her. It was a law he told us. I went to another doctor and he after 6 visits who said all the right things to me about dealing with her, then I took her to see him and he he did the same thing as the other doctor did and told her I was bad and abusive to her because I did not do what she was telling me to do. I went to a 3rd doctor who finally told me about the NPD  she thought my wife had but she could not see her unless my wife asked to get help. She says it is all my fault so she won't go. So now I looking again. My health insurance won't cover it and there program is about living with it not getting help. The last one could not even offer any insight to my problems other than learning to deal with it.  So now I looking again but with so few options I don't know where to turn, I look at going to someone else but like the other 3 I have saw I don't trust them since they paitave no problem lying to me to get me in the office and they do not stand behind what they say. I can't believe how they lie to patients like me to get money from me but the treatment is nil. Evey doctor I been to blamed me for the problems like I should just put up with it. Why do they tell men we need to take it. I got very angry with the first doctor who directed my wife to do this all when he told her she was to be thanked for making my customers angry at me for what I do. He did elorabite to me how I need to realize in my life that I did not matter what I wanted. He said if I wanted to be married to her I had not choice. The other doctor agreed with the first, he could of saved me months of lost time and money since he lied to me to get a job, so now Im looking again but scared since each time I lose more of my life.
Thanks for getting back to me

[Cat Familiar]

Given that you have a very difficult spouse, what changes would you like to make in your life?

[wwwest]

  What changes I would like to make, I want to work less, take lunches something I have not done for 25 yrs, I want to spend more time exploring mines and  hot tubs out in the desert. I do not want to have to be told what I can eat and not listen to her tell me what her friends think about what I eat or drink or do. More importantly I would like to see my sister before she dies, she got a terminal blood disease last year and  although she had a small chance of survival over a few years. My wife had kept me from seeing her for 30 years and I want to see her without her since she won't let me talk when we go places. Mostly I want to be free of her ( I need to buy this because it is so valuable) everyplace we go. Spending are hold life on what she does not have and how unhappy she is with everyone around her. Mostly I want to be with someone who wants me and will take real action to show it rather than just bullPLEASE READ they do.

[Cat Familiar]

There are several items in your list that you can do: working less, taking lunches, exploring the desert, visiting your sister. These are all under your control.

What isn’t under your control is how you wife reacts or what she tells you to do or not do.

However you don’t have to obey her directives.

You have so far, right? More or less?

And that has gotten you to where you are now. Obviously it hasn’t worked well as far as your own happiness and satisfaction.

Trying something new and different can be scary, but you know what the same old, same old yields.

[wwwest]

Yes I know I  can do that but if I did she would get into a fit of rage, she would go blow money and since I have to work for her since the Psychologist told her I had to she would make work miserable.
But I have another question, I have been calling two different local Psychologists who are on the web site and local to go see them and I have not even gotten a call back.  So dose ti make a difference if I use a Psychologist or a Marriage Counselor. My past has not been good with either so I   have been trying to find a Psychologist who is female, the male ones I have had problems with in the past but I want a specialist not someone who doesn't know what they are doing.
PS Thanks Cat for your help, it really dose help!

[Cat Familiar]

Can you limit her spending? Cancel credit cards? Separate out bank accounts for your business and personal use? Maybe have one account for you and another one for her with a limited amount provided monthly, so she has to budget and can’t overspend?

I know all this would be triggering, but right now your situation sounds very triggering for you.

Most important, whatever mental health specialist you select, find someone with lots of experience in personality disorders. I would tend to look for a psychologist, but there are very good therapists out there who understand BPD and NPD and that’s the most important selection criteria—that, and finding someone you feel comfortable with who you can trust and who listens well.