Struggling to let go of my ex-girlfriend who suffers from BPD and Alcoholism

[Still...]

I’m not sure how to start, but reading descriptions of past relationships and common relationship themes associated with dating someone with BPD turned me to seek help in resolving this break-up. My relationship with my ex was turbulent from the very beginning starting with our first few dates. She was open about her disorder I chose to accept some of the dysfunctional behaviors. I was also kind of dubious about how to react to the information. As a social psychologist, I ha a limited understand of BPD as a severe attachment disorder and was dismissive of it in the sense that it could be worked through. Going into the relationship was from my understanding and explicitly stated casual. I was out of a relationship for many years, and was looking to date and have fun. Although I didn’t date anyone else, things intensified more than I was comfortable with. There was also a lot of drinking that my ex could not control. Having had a drinking problem myself, I was reluctant to start. I was very vocal about my past experiences with friends with alcoholism, but she was committed to quitting. When we both quit, I felt the relationship and dating improved significantly and wanted to develop our relationship from dating to a more committed relationship.

Over time the drinking started again and minor mistakes on what I’d say or do would intensify to angry tirades that I couldn’t understand. She would apologize in the mornings or the next day, but it would intensify further and further. She called it rage. I’d wake up in the middle of the night with long text threads attacking me. I know that I had made some mistakes in the beginning of the relationship mentioning a friend that I dated for a short period of time, but over time, this friendship was the foremost attack line. Between these outbursts were some of the best most intense moments I had in a relationship.

The drinking got worse and the accusations grew so hard to deal with as there was no way to resolve it. They became more and more bizarre and also somewhat believable. I felt like I was doing something really wrong. Almost a year of being with them culminated into a fury that I felt ashamed as if I had truely sought to manipulate her in ways that I couldn’t remember doing, but felt like I was culpable for. Slights or situations that I couldn’t remember were thrown in my face. Slowly I grew distant, resentful of the accusations. But I also felt a need to help her. I helped her get health insurance through work and encouraged her sobriety. I also started drinking more in a failed attempt to cope. Growing more distant we both decided it would be best to split apart to allow us both some time to recoup. With continued encouraging texts and spiteful texts, I decided to leave the relationship, but just became almost emotionally discombobulated. I love her very much. She cut off communication with me sending me a final barrage of mean texts that I again took to heart.

It has been a long time since we had spoken, but I was worried about her.  I opened up communication with her again to only be attacked again. She had lost her looks from drinking and was not the same person. I feel so bad for her and would like to help, but know that she is gone. I’m having a hard time letting go.

[once removed]

hi Still..., and

youve really been through it. im sorry youre having a hard time with all of this, although i can see why. im glad you found us.

bpd is no picnic. i think all of us will tell you that. couple it with a substance abuse problem, and these are among the most challenging relationships ive seen in my time here.

how long have the two of you been broken up? are you having a hard time letting go of some of the harsh words?

[Mutt]

Hi Still... 



I’d like to join once removed and welcome you to the family. I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you to our site here. I’m glad that you decided to join us.

Thank you for sharing your true and honest feelings. I can understand having mixed feelings with my ex pwBPD on the one hand you feel like it’s not a good mixture to be together because it doesn’t bring out the best in you and on the other hand you have guilty feelings like you feel like you’re responsible fir the other person’s well being.

Do you feel guilty? Are you taking care of yourself?