Reaching out

[Daniel 128]

I am not ready to let go of my BPD ex at this time. She has a tendency to break up with me whenever she gets mad. Our break-ups usually last a day or two. Currently we are broken-up, but my concern is that the more this happens the more she convinces herself that this is the wrong relationship. I have written her a letter stating that I don't want to break-up, but I haven't sent it yet. I am not sure if I should wait until she reaches out, if she does, or just send it. Also, I'm struggling with knowing the fact that we will be right back in the same situation in a few weeks. The reason it's hard to let go is that we were just looking at houses together, planning a vacation, and she was telling me that August would be a good month for us to get married...then all of a sudden BOOM! We are broken up.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[swisco]

Hi Daniel 128

Welcome to this forum.  Your current situation sounds frustrating, but judging by the details you've given, it's not something which is new.  I haven't posted a lot here, but I'll try to give as honest a perspective as I can.  However, I fear that it may not be the advice you want to hear. 

You need to ask yourself some hard questions in relation to your future with your SO, and you need to do it from the position of cold, hard logic and NOT from emotional thinking.  In other words you need to set aside any notion that you "love" her.  This relationship is already causing you frustration and upset, and you're not even married yet.  Try to put yourself in a situation a few years down the line - do you really want to be feeling the same way, particularly when you are in a situation where you may well have invested a great deal of resource and there may even be children involved?  That would be an even worse position than you're in now.

An intimate relationship is meant to be a refuge of peace for both parties - not one where you are constantly worried about when (note: not "if") your next breakup is going to happen and when you will get back together, if at all.  You need to try to look at these words in the cold light of day and recognise how crazy they sound.  Knowing you are in a horrible. unstable, repeating cycle is NO basis at all for any sort of relationship, and I would caution you to think EXTREMELY carefully before committing to any sort of future with this person. The added stresses of a formally shared life with houses, and perhaps even kids, will only make things worse, not better.

Has your SO been diagnosed, and are they receiving treatment?  If not, I'd strongly suggest you make that a condition of your continued relationship if a BPD diagnosis is arrived at.  Even then, it takes years of work for treatment to yield results - and the pwBPD may not end up being the person you recognise.

That brings me on to the whole notion of who it is you think you're "in love with".  pwBPD are widely recognised to confuse love with need - and even then it's a superficial love, similar to infatuation.  Typically, they are not truly able to connect or bond with their partners, and if this is the case YOU are not going to get what you need out of the relationship, and it is doomed to failure.

I'm sorry if I sound negative.  My own experience is one where the woman I married did not show any signs of BPD to begin with.  I know I ignored many, many red flags at the start, and over time it became clear that this was what we were dealing with.  I ended up being brutally discarded by someone who decided one day to simply burn the relationship to the ground for no apparent reason.  I've been ghosted for a whole year (no contact whatsoever) with either my wife or her two young children who I was daddy to, pretty much financially ruined, and hit with two sets of false charges by the police that I've had to defend myself against - thankfully easy to do, since I have evidence that proves I did nothing. 

The point I'm making is that you have one advantage that I didn't have - you can see a pattern developing already.  For goodness sake, think about whether this is what YOU want, and put whatever you think SHE wants aside for a minute.  To me, it sounds one-sided already - SHE is the one who acts up and leaves, and YOU are the one who feels they have to fix it.  You can't, and you never will be able to.  It's classic gaslighting, and certainly NOT the way it should be.  Ask yourself why you would want to be in a relationship like this.  Saying that its because "you love her" is simply not a good enough reason.

Take care.