Tired of feeling scared and worried

[ForeverDad]

People with BPD (pwBPD) have had years to become masters of manipulation.  Whether consciously or unconsciously, doesn't matter which, she may sense the changes in your behaviors and reactions and be acting to create self-doubts in you, so now you're feeling torn on leaving.

[livednlearned]

I'm trying to understand what everyone on here's been saying about "I"statements, but in my case, the only time I got through to her was doing the opposite for some reason.

That's important information.

It probably speaks to a dynamic in your relationship that's specific to you two, where she is vying for dominance through a pattern in your arguments.

I wonder if what's happening in your new approach signals a shift in confidence that she is responding to more than what you are saying (while also noting that you are locking into a recognizable stereotype she can get behind)?

This happened with my ex when I began to hold up my hand and say NO or STOP when he was on a tear berating me. I felt like I was talking to a child, especially because I would repeat the same word over and over in a dog obedience tone of voice. And my ex kind of responded like one. Subservient, submissive. Tail between his legs.

He treated me like a parent he was mad at for not letting him throw a ball in the house.

It wasn't a great dynamic tho it was preferable to being berated for hours.

Thoughts?

I go through this with a BPD step daughter, too. I have to generate alpha energy in order to cut her off at the pass. Otherwise I quickly discover I've lost a pint of blood somehow (she is covert aggressive so tends to be stealth). I find I have to do this over the silliest stuff -- her battleground is omnipresent and nothing can be treated as neutral.

[siochain]

wow, a pint of blood? I can't even begin to imagine what that must be like for you.

Well, the new leaf only lasted about a day, as can be expected. Today, she texted "love you", and honestly I didn't feel like saying "I love you too", and it became an all day pushing nagging thing of how all she wanted was a response to that instead of just asking about her day or telling her about mine.

She was complaining about how distant I seemed and how that scares her. Yup, pushing always remedies distance more than just giving a little room to breath. I'm sure in all her years she's noticed how well that works.

Finally at the end of the day I said it just to shut her up.

I'm starting to feel like I'm overcomplicating all of this, and sooner or later I'll just say "I can't keep doing this, I'm not coming home. I don't have it in me to keep trying to push myself when I don't feel it and I can't do it anymore. It's not fair to either of us and is only causing suffering. I'm not coming home. Take care."

[formflier]

Finally at the end of the day I said it just to shut her up.

 

Is his all via text?  Voice?  In person?
 
 What did you say to avoid it earlier (maybe a few examples) and then what did she say right before you said it to shut her up and what did she say after?

I suspect we have some boundary work to do here...but we'll just have to see.

Best,

FF

[siochain]

I've deleted the texts as they stress me and I tend to reread them.

But the gist was "all I wanted was a response to what I said, just those 4 words. I've gotten a missed call and other messages but all I wanted was a response"

Then she called back and started rambling about everything under the sun till I had to go, then got upset that I had to go and started texting about how I'm not listening to her and how I made her be on edge all day because I seemed distant when we woke up and then not saying I love you and she's scared or something.

I didn't want it spilling over till when I got home so I finally just said "Love you too". That's how she always seems to get what she wants, with pushing, and we've even talked about it. I said when you push it seems in the short run you got what you wanted but it doesn't work in the long run. It pushes me away and makes me feel bad about you and resent you".

Of course she can't understand this and will always go back to pushing.

[formflier]

So...why not let her push?

And you can do something other than respond, until you think it's healthy.

Best,

FF

[siochain]

Now supposedly this is what's sent her to the hospital.

She's suffering because she correctly surmises that I no longer love her, but I can't force myself to.

Now she's saying from her hospital bed to just let her go and find love because without love she's "fading away". Of course I can't have a divorce talk under these circumstances, but I never kept her here.

Early into the marriage (the whole thing is less than a year old), when I started seeing BPDish stuff and she was constantly starting fights, which shocked me, I began saying I wouldn't keep her in something she's unhappy in and that she has a choice.

I would have gotten divorced even 2 months in the way it was, but then all the FOG started.

NOW she's saying to let her go find love if I can't give it to her myself, now that she's in a hospital. How I wish she had just said that before and I was done with this nightmare by now.

[livednlearned]

NOW she's saying to let her go find love if I can't give it to her myself, now that she's in a hospital.

She seems to know precisely where to push your button.

[DefiantRaspberry]

Of course I can't have a divorce talk under these circumstances, but I never kept her here.

Actually, you can. But you need to be in a place (mentally) where you feel able. It can be a long road, as it took me many years to get there (here?).