New to group and need support

[daylily21]

Hello, I'm new here. My 24-year-old daughter is undiagnosed but displays BPD behavior.  (Narcissism, paranoia and schizophrenia run on my husband's side of the family.) 

Currently she lives out of state and has completely shut me out, plus her three brothers. I called her in early November, just to make contact and tell her I missed her, and she turned it into a political confrontation and how she can't have anything to do with me.  We've had some ugly scenes, especially over the past three years. I entered counseling to learn better ways to communicate (and am learning I don't have to keep apologizing or always be on the defensive). But now we have no relationship at all.

I feel like I should be doing more to reach her, and also sad that she doesn't want to find any common ground with me.  I've certainly made mistakes as a parent but not to deserve the meanness.  My husband's mother was cold to him so he disassociates emotionally from our daughter like he did with his mother, and suggests I do the same.  Not there yet.  Thanks for listening.  Hoping to learn a lot about how to deal from your posts. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[old97]

Hi daylilly,

I'm also new to this board, and am not any kind of expert on BPD.

My person with BPD is my partner's daughter (early 20s). My partner and I do not live together, although we're just a few miles apart. My partner lives with her BPD daughter and is really struggling with her.

So, we're at sorta opposite ends of the spectrum. My partner has entirely too much involvement with her daughter, and you have entirely too little. I'm not entirely sure which is worse. My current situation (really my partner's current situation - I'm only tangentially affected) is highly stressful and unhealthy for all involved. But I know it would kill my partner to have no contact with her daughter.

Clearly, we can't make others do anything they don't want to. I think all you can do is keep trying to reach out periodically. Hopefully she will re-engage at some point. At least you will be able to take some comfort in having done what you can.

I know - not very helpful. The best thing I can say to you is keep reading and interacting here. I have taken great comfort in reading others' posts and interacting a bit. It makes me feel a lot better knowing others have faced this and kept going.

[daylily21]

Thank you, Old97 -

I hear you, and will admit that living with her was very difficult. It was a relief when she graduated college and worked in HI for a year with her boyfriend.  The physical distance was much less stressful, and we weren't held hostage to her rants.

When things didn't go her way or she was anxious about something, she couldn't be reasoned with (and I've learned that was the exact wrong angle to take). I couldn't fix it and didn't know how to make the hysteria stop, which added to my own feelings of helplessness and stress. 

The 'stop walking on eggshells' book was a game-changer. Reading posts - like you suggested, I think will be valuable in changing how I think and how I react.  I appreciate you reaching out.