IamListening
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Relationship status: I am a new grandmother; denied meeting my first grandchildren.
Posts: 2
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« on: March 02, 2021, 02:15:32 PM » |
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Hello, this is my first post here.
I am a new grandparent, struggling with the pain of both losing all contact with my adult son who married a very (and undiagnosed) BPD woman who intentionally got pregnant to entrap him in marriage and, of course, being denied to even meet my first grandchild. That baby will be two yrs old this month. -And yesterday I got a call from my younger daughter, telling me her brother and his wife are expecting a second baby in just 2.5 months.. This information has sent me back into deep grief (I cannot go there again..) as I am sure I will also never meet this second grandchild and even more tragic, I think this signals that my son is fully cemented into this grossly dysfunctional marriage. I don't think I will ever see him again.
An interesting twist that has been added: my sociopath, narcissist ex-spouse (those labels came from the psychoanalyst who acted as our marriage counselor -and said, "We have to get you out of this marriage."), is seemingly shifting from enjoying the agony the loss of my son has delivered to my doorstep, to asking what may be a first question about how we all got here (the cut-off behaviors of the BPD DIL that have resulted in 13 one-to-one relationship combinations in the family fully rupturing; defined as zero contact for at least a full year at this point). This includes our older daughter cutting HIM (my ex-spouse, her father) off for the past full year; a first direct hit for him.. Thus the possible shift in his behaviors from ongoing encouragement of the estrangement and scapegoating of me, to suddenly (finally) realizing there are costs to this game.. He is effectively asking me, through our younger daughter (he refuses to talk to me), what the precipitating event was that caused our son and BPD DIL to cut me off. DS and DIL have referred to it as, "The one big event that caused all of this."
That "one big event" was the incident of the BPD DIL interrupting a requested (and confirmed) private convo between my in-shock son and I, at my house, when he was first informed she was pregnant which, unfortunately involved my making the mistake of accepting her call and putting her on speaker phone so she would not feel left out (that BPD issue of abandonment rages with her). I had spoken with a therapist about how best to support my son through the shock of learning he was going to be a father with someone he had just broken up with (second time in six months) and moved out on. The therapist gave me a list of "options" to give to my son, just so he knew he HAD options as his state of mind was a concern right then. The goal was simply to take some stress off of him as he was so overwhelmed. -And, of course, the word abortion was on that list. So, THAT (my delivering that list option) was, "The big event." -She told me I will never have a relationship with "her child" and apparently meant it. -I grieve the loss of my son even more than the loss of my grandchild (It lessens the blow; it's harder to miss what you never had? -What a sick situation).
The last time I saw my son was over a year ago, for thirty minutes. He came by my house to pick up documents he needed for a job application. I was overjoyed to get to see him! We have always had a good relationship. -He was clearly traumatized; flipping back and forth between seeming like himself; calm, interactive, laughing and then fighting back tears and looking more frightened than any person I have ever seen. This was completely out of character for him. -Most of the time he was at my house for that 30 minutes, he was in that state of extreme fear. I realized she was controlling him; probably by threat, regarding withholding his young son; she does it to me so she is clearly capable of this behavior. He was cleared told he could not be in my house but for a few minutes to get his documents.
They had recently moved out of the county where both they and I reside. My son told me, when he came to my house that he was "not allowed to give me their new address." -He was in tears and not making eye contact at this point. -I said that was OK (as he was so stressed). My sense was that she was separating him further from his family and friends by moving him out of the county. -The safest, supportive thing I could think to do (I prepared this ahead of time) was to give him a bag that contained items from his childhood "for his young son" that OTHER family members had given him as a child (I knew she would destroy anything from me). I showed him each item, one at a time and told him the story behind it. He was calm and smiling during this. -My whole demeanor was; no stress, no worries, I am (always) here for you, you got this. And then I watched him get in his truck and hurriedly dial his cell phone. The expression on his face, as he was talking, was one of stress and pain again. I am sure she was yelling at him.
There is a lot of information about the events of the past two years -and running up to that point (as I am sure all of you can imagine). Unfortunately, based on my reading, the circumstances, from case to case, of families losing their adult children to extreme BPD DILs/SILs, are sadly similar. So, I don't feel the need to recount it all. My goal in joining this board is to learn about how others manage the heartbreak of losing an adult child to their BPD spouse, how to process the heartbreak and get on with life -and how to handle the loss of grandchildren as well. Right now I feel like my continuing to hold out hope for a positive resolution is foolish on my part -and possibly not good for me, emotionally (to put it mildly). I am angry at both my son and his wife at this point. -I realize it may not be fair to be angry at my son but I feel like he has thrown me under the BPD bus.
I had been told by a therapist I spoke with on the phone for an hour, two years ago when this all started that my son is effectively being held captive in a cult. He likened the relationship to a terrorist organization. He said this situation is no different than that form of violence. And he said that it was very important I stay in touch with my own feeling of unconditional love I have for my son. He suggested I keep a journal about those feelings so that when my son walks out of this situation, I can hand it to him as a support in his finding his way back to himself. He said he is going to need a lot of therapy. -But, now, there is this phone call I received from his sister, informing me a second baby will be arriving soon.. And what sounds like my son joining forces with his BPD wife to blame ME for the cut-off. I am angry (which is way better than being despondent to the point of letting my own life fall apart here out of deep grief; that is always a dark option).
Thanks for reading. And thanks, in advance, for your input.
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