conflicting emotions after reconnecting with BPD ex-boyfriend

[HappyKJ]

I officially parted ways with my undiagnosed pwBPD partner of 8.5 years last February. Or so I thought. After weeks of barely speaking, slowly I started to let him back into my life. He'd send me a song, video, etc. And many nights I would feel lonely, so I would give in and start talking to him (usually over chat).

Then a couple of months ago, I spent the weekend with him, and it's like the emotional floodgates opened up all over again. He was the fun, caring person that he'd been when we first got together and I found myself falling in love with him all over again. If he had asked me to pack my bags and move in with him right then, I probably would have done it.

But once I was back home again, I started to reflect. Ever since leaving him, I'd felt so much freer, happier, and lighter in general. I was on a good path. Was I really going to jump back into an unhealthy, codependent relationship and throw away all the progress I'd made? Because while he's changed, many of the old patterns are still there, and he can only keep up the front for so long.

And I feel for him -- I can see that he truly does have a heart of gold but has so much unprocessed trauma from his childhood compounded with depression, anxiety, insomnia, and chronic pain. But rather than deal with these issues in a healthy way (like seeking out therapy), he chooses to self-medicate with drugs (thankfully he's largely given up alcohol but he's basically swapped one addiction for another). And I know that starting a relationship with him again will only drag me down.

I just spent another weekend with him, and this time I was stronger. I didn't cave into his sexual desires and told him that I only wanted to be friends. He said he was on the same page, but I don't know if that's entirely true because I can tell he's still trying to "win me back" in subtle ways.

Now I'm left with all these conflicting feelings. A longing to relive the magic of that weekend two months ago and on a larger scale the best moments of our relationship (because yes, we definitely had some horrendous fights but also some really magical moments), a strong desire to believe that he truly has changed and that I can help continue this positive momentum.

At the same time I worry that if I turn my back on him, he's going to end up in the hospital again through his reckless behavior, and I just worry about him being lonely in general because he can't seem to sustain relationships with anyone, not just romantic relationships but even friendships. Of course this isn't my problem, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to jump in and rescue him.

Another part of me just wants to be best friends with him (without all the drama/baggage of a relationship) because we do share such a strong connection in many ways; whenever I have some insight or just experience something funny he's always the first person I want to text. But then I think, is that the wrong thing to do, like I'm giving him false hope? But then just completely going silent on him also feels wrong and honestly I don't want to. Just feeling very overwhelmed right now and having difficulty processing my emotions; I wish I could stop caring about him so much.

[ForeverDad]

Because while he's changed, many of the old patterns are still there, and he can only keep up the front for so long.

It has been noted here many times that distance reduces the impact of poor behaviors, almost to the point that we doubt ourselves for our prior conclusions and reasons for leaving.

Frankly, a separation with distance does not mean the person will behave better if the relationship is resumed.  You are smart to have doublechecked yourself and halted yourself before getting caught in a recycled but still dysfunctional life.

The general conclusion is that it is difficult and risky to maintain a friendship with someone dysfunctional or disordered.  Likely you too will conclude you need to make a clean break, in other words, Let go and Move On.

There are a variety of examples told here.  One is of a drowning person.  You jump in and save the person, only for the person to jump back in the water and again call for help.  How many times should you jump in?  Another is a published story of The Bridge (follow the link).

[yeeter]

I echo FD.  Its easy to forget the dysfunction and remember the good.  And its easy to 'want' it to work out in a healthy way.

But it can not.

Besides, I have seen When Harry Met Sally.  A man and a woman can not be 'just' friends.

Sorry I know you 'want' it to work.  But again, it can not.  You can not maintain a healthy relationship with a disordered person.  Distance and no contact to move on with your life is the most healthy path.  The bridge is a great analogy.

[HappyKJ]

Thank you to both of you! Yes, I completely agree. And the story of the bridge is so powerful! And very apt. I have definitely played the role of the man on the bridge way too many times -- and I think I took pride in playing the martyr, rescuing him from his own self-destructive choices while neglecting my own goals and happiness.

As predicted, he did eventually lash out for my decision to not resume a relationship with him. I also went hours without answering a message from him, which to him is unforgivable -- the one thing he values above all else is attention. He sent me a hostile message saying the "magic between us was over." And I'm not going to lie, a part of it stung, but it also reinforced that this is exactly the reason why I don't want to be in a relationship with this individual. He's like a spoiled child; he knows how to turn on the charm, but the instant he doesn't get what he wants he turns on you.