Surrounded by BP traits and feeling stressed and alone

[notmarypoppins]

As told in my previous post, my partner and I (mid-thirties) are fostering his 13yo sister. Their mom/my MIL has BPD. 13yo has learned BPD behaviours from her mom, and also has dPTSD. My partner has addressed his own BP behaviours (also learned from MIL) in therapy in the past, but under all this stress, they’re resurfacing. He managed to get control of his rage yesterday after tossing only one object (not hard, and not at anyone), but has been stonewalling me and 13yo since last night over a perceived slight that I don’t even understand, and he won’t talk about. She’s here to escape her mom’s dysregulation; she doesn’t need to deal with the same traits from her brother.  And I need a supportive partner in our new roles as caregivers. How do you cope when you feel like the only one functioning?

I’m also struggling with the imminent death of my maternal grandfather (he was expected to pass last weekend and miraculously didn’t, but he’s on borrowed time), who I love, but who was also an alcoholic, so there are complicated feelings in my family. My own upbringing was tough because my mother, though she didn’t drink, still recreated the same kind of emotional chaos she was raised with. I know it’s no coincidence that I found a partner who’s own mom has BPD and alcoholism. I worry that I’m playing the hero in my partner’s family because I couldn’t fix my own.

Last night I felt so overwhelmed by my grief, my partner’s instability, and my foster kid’s needs, that I fantasized about leaving. I searched the apartment listings. It felt like I have nothing to look forward to in life but more stress and loneliness if I stay in this family. I’m trying to remember that we’re in a period of transition and it won’t always be this bad, but it’s hard.

I’m the point of contact for everyone involved 13yo’s care, because my partner feels he’s “not as good at talking” and that it’s best to have all communication go through one person. Emails, calls and meetings with therapists, social workers and teachers, not to mention all the help she needs with online schooling (schools are closed here due to Covid) falls on me and takes up hours every day on top of working full time and doing half the chores and regular child care stuff. My partner is often too tired or stressed to even talk about things and tends to isolate himself, spend hours each day on his hobbies and forget about our schedule.

How do I stop feeling so alone? My closest friends are all busy juggling their own young kids with work and homeschooling under Covid. We’re under a stay-at-home order in my area. My family are all grieving my grandfather and have their own mental health issues to contend with. I guess therapy for me is the obvious choice but what else? I take walks and baths and I cry privately, a lot. It feels important to seem calm and optimistic around 13yo, but I’m not perfect at it and it often feels like I’m the only one exercising that self-control. Does anyone else feel like the last one standing? How do you deal?

[livednlearned]

Oh wow. You have a full plate. Pull up a seat and set that load down for a sec  

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather.

It's extra hard when you need space to grieve, and can't, because everyone else is losing their minds or they have seemingly bottomless needs.

A lot of us have rescuer tendencies, like you describe. The goal is to move to coach, which can be a long process if the patterns are entrenched. You have the benefit of being relatively new to their family so hopefully there is a little more give.

 The author/researcher Brene Brown talks about underfunctioners and overfunctioners. Sounds like we know which one you are  

Elements of this are temporary, and they are also likely to be somewhat ongoing given the dysfunctions in his family.

Maybe you could underfunction a little while you take care of yourself. What might that look like for you? Is there something you can offload to your partner?

He did a smooth move there shifting responsibility to you. Well played friend.

How do you think he would do if you asked him to take over while you tend to your own needs?

Not great, is my guess.  

Although, I have found that after the initial pushback (some call it an extinction burst), people do surprisingly well at stepping up. The hard part is introducing change because people like to kick away at it to stop it from happening.

Any thoughts on what jobs you might be able to set aside for a bit? Anything small that might make it easier to get your sea legs?

[notmarypoppins]

Apologies for the late response to this.

Livednlearned, thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful response.  I've been implementing some of your suggestions.

 The author/researcher Brene Brown talks about underfunctioners and overfunctioners.

I read up on this concept and wow, I see it everywhere in my life now. I've been trying to more consciously underfunction where I can, but there are consequences to my underfunctioning - some that I'm ok with, but many that I'm not. One that I'm ok with temporarily is that my house is messier than ever, but soon I won't be ok with this because 13yo's caseworker will be coming by. Last week I took myself off homework support duty while 13yo was still doing learn-from-home;13yo submitted no assignments for the whole week and now has even more catching up to do. Luckily school went back to in-person this past week so there's a bit less pressure there.

 I talked to my partner about how I needed him to be more present, take on more responsibility, and spend less time on computer games and other hobbies and more time interacting with 13yo to take some of the pressure off me. He said absolutely, he could do that. Yesterday he spent 10 hours playing computer games, and also refused to eat until 8pm (a common occurrence when he's stressed - food is something he can control) so he was hangry and nasty all day, while I got groceries, made sure homework happened, and baked cookies with 13 year old. Today he's all lovey, said if I wanted him to take over homework duty he could. I let him know 13yo was taking a 10 minute break, and if she wasn't working again in 10 minutes to remind her, and then I left the room to go relax. Came back an hour later, 13yo was still laying on the couch having not restarted homework, and partner was playing computer games.

Unfortunately, waiting for partner to pick up the slack in a lot of areas means risking 13yo's wellbeing and placement with us (I know most kids her age shouldn't need supervision to complete homework but unfortunately with her issues she needs a coach in the room most of the time.) There is something unrelated I've decided I'm not doing though - we're supposed to get married in the fall and partner wanted the reception in our home/yard. I told him today that I don't want the responsibility of all the extra cleaning/planning/organizing that will entail. Instead of taking it upon himself to share in that work, partner agreed that we could have the reception elsewhere.

Another win is that I'm no longer going on grocery trips where we take my BPD MIL. The last time partner got too angry and left me alone to deal with her accusations. I can't go fully-NC with her because we're fostering her kid, but I'm now only communicating with her via text or email and only once a week. We were taking her for groceries out of kindness, but I don't need to hear her angry tirades on top of everything else. I already deal with her disorder every day in its effects on our family.

And on another positive note, to everyone's amazement, my grandfather is recovering.