Broken up with and abused with ghosting

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I was in a relationship with someone with BPD. In fact, he told me he has been twice diagnosed BPD and told me that he has these symptoms that, upon research, confirmed it. He broke up with me three times by just ghosting me, and then a few weeks later would unblock me and write as if nothing had happened, and "I never really broke up with you in my heart" (as if he had somehow not really done anything wrong).

After the last time, we spent a week together in an AirBnB, and after making what I thought was real progress (because he could sense something was wrong and after five nights I decided to sleep in the other bedroom, and each time we'd break up, he'd promise to seek treatment, I said I would pay for private treatment even though we have nationalised healthcare in this country), but on the final two days he did some things that actually had the possibility of harming my career. On our final day, as I was heading off to the train station to go back to London, I asked him for a lift but he made some excuse about not losing his parking spot. I said, I'm heading off now. He was sitting on the couch, watching tennis. Didn't move a muscle to see me off. So I just walked out and went off to the train station to get my train.

Once I was on the train, I messaged on WhatsApp to say, "You understand why I'm so upset with you, right?". Then I was blocked on WhatsApp, Facebook, SMS etc. I didn't hear from him for three weeks. When he got back in touch, after saying "You can't be serious?" (as this had happened before) I said that I couldn't do this again, but I was willing to talk to him. He clearly held out hope that we would get back together. I tried to gently say that I had a date with someone else (not anything serious, but I know the best way to get over someone is just get out there and date and have some fun), and it immediately triggered the most vicious, cruel and abusive personal attacks.

Ironically, he's a psychotherapist and counsellor by trade. And I've always been very open and honest about my issues, and problems I've had in my life, and he used every one of them to attack to me, to say I was a pathetic person with a personality disorder, that I have no friends, that obviously no-one would date me so I must be seeing sex workers, that his family and my family hate me, before blocking me so I couldn't respond. Despite knowing these things aren't true, they really hurt. The one thing he does have over me is that I have had (and to an extent have) a problem with opioids, but I'm also a practising lawyer and he could cause trouble for me professionally.

I think I am an empathetic person and I know he suffers from a disorder, but after the most recent 'round' I can't help but (1) feel contempt and hatred for him, and (2) a determination to get on with my life, which has seemed to get easier with each ghosting, until he then gets back in contact with me.

I'm guessing this story is not that unusual or strange for people on here, you've probably all experienced something like it. But I do wonder whether someone can both have BPD and be a self-absorbed, selfish and cheap individual in a way that has nothing to do with their BPD... that they're just selfish and sociopathic (which he was in a lot of ways that had nothing to do with emotional instability or ghosting). He admitted to me that he has been violent to previous partners (I think he knew if he tried that with me I'd knock him on his ass), which should have been a red flag (but was also 48 hours before the last time I saw him in person, and I'm never going back to that roller coaster).

But I still feel really conflicted about how I should feel about him.

[justicetyrwhit]

I was in a relationship with someone with BPD. In fact, he told me he has been twice diagnosed BPD and told me that he has these symptoms that, upon research, confirmed it. He broke up with me three times by just ghosting me, and then a few weeks later would unblock me and write as if nothing had happened, and "I never really broke up with you in my heart" (as if he had somehow not really done anything wrong).

After the last time, we spent a week together in an AirBnB, and after making what I thought was real progress (because he could sense something was wrong and after five nights I decided to sleep in the other bedroom, and each time we'd break up, he'd promise to seek treatment, I said I would pay for private treatment even though we have nationalised healthcare in this country), but on the final two days he did some things that actually had the possibility of harming my career. On our final day, as I was heading off to the train station to go back to London, I asked him for a lift but he made some excuse about not losing his parking spot. I said, I'm heading off now. He was sitting on the couch, watching tennis. Didn't move a muscle to see me off. So I just walked out and went off to the train station to get my train.

Once I was on the train, I messaged on WhatsApp to say, "You understand why I'm so upset with you, right?". Then I was blocked on WhatsApp, Facebook, SMS etc. I didn't hear from him for three weeks. When he got back in touch, after saying "You can't be serious?" (as this had happened before) I said that I couldn't do this again, but I was willing to talk to him. He clearly held out hope that we would get back together. I tried to gently say that I had a date with someone else (not anything serious, but I know the best way to get over someone is just get out there and date and have some fun), and it immediately triggered the most vicious, cruel and abusive personal attacks.

Ironically, he's a psychotherapist and counsellor by trade. And I've always been very open and honest about my issues, and problems I've had in my life, and he used every one of them to attack to me, to say I was a pathetic person with a personality disorder, that I have no friends, that obviously no-one would date me so I must be seeing sex workers, that his family and my family hate me, before blocking me so I couldn't respond. Despite knowing these things aren't true, they really hurt. The one thing he does have over me is that I have had (and to an extent have) a problem with opioids, but I'm also a practising lawyer and he could cause trouble for me professionally.

I think I am an empathetic person and I know he suffers from a disorder, but after the most recent 'round' I can't help but (1) feel contempt and hatred for him, and (2) a determination to get on with my life, which has seemed to get easier with each ghosting, until he then gets back in contact with me.

I'm guessing this story is not that unusual or strange for people on here, you've probably all experienced something like it. But I do wonder whether someone can both have BPD and be a self-absorbed, selfish and cheap individual in a way that has nothing to do with their BPD... that they're just selfish and sociopathic (which he was in a lot of ways that had nothing to do with emotional instability or ghosting). He admitted to me that he has been violent to previous partners (I think he knew if he tried that with me I'd knock him on his ass), which should have been a red flag (but was also 48 hours before the last time I saw him in person, and I'm never going back to that roller coaster).

But I still feel really conflicted about how I should feel about him.

[once removed]

I know the best way to get over someone is just get out there and date and have some fun), and it immediately triggered the most vicious, cruel and abusive personal attacks.

maybe, historically.

im of the mind that the best way to get over someone is to fully grieve the relationship. dating may be a part of getting back to normal, so to speak. sometimes for better or worse.

Despite knowing these things aren't true, they really hurt. The one thing he does have over me is that I have had (and to an extent have) a problem with opioids, but I'm also a practising lawyer and he could cause trouble for me professionally.

i dont give my ex a ton of credit, but she broke up with me in what id consider just about the best of ways, and it hurt.

to be on the receiving end of the blame, and personal attacks, is not something anyone needs. even when its over the top and clearly exaggerated, its going to hurt. its the intent. not necessarily consciously, but ultimately. unless you directly solicited that exact information, its a way of coping, a way of dealing.

i get the sense of conflict. there were so many times that i said to myself i should be done with my ex, or over my ex. in my experience, love is not so simple. it was a lot easier for me in my recovery when i gave myself permission to feel whatever i felt, and to grieve, and to breathe. to mourn the loss, even of a person who had deliberately hurt me.