Hi, this is my first post here and I'm
sure I'm going to ramble so I don't blame you if you don't read this all the way through. I've been eyeing this website since I was in middle school, but now (after another out-of-the-blue screaming match) I've finally decided to try it.
My sister started showing symptoms of BPD when she was around 8 years old. It sounds early, but this disorder seems to run in my family, reliably skipping generations of women on my mother's side. When we were kids we used to be close-
so close- but that memory of who she used to be has almost completely washed away by now.
I now know her as someone who (perhaps through no fault of her own) stole my childhood from me. I'm 18 now, but I've been an adult for so much longer, I don't remember when exactly my childhood ended. Which suicide attempt was it? Was it the one when I was 14, and received a text with a photo of blood streaming out of her throat from her boyfriend who she was facetiming while making the cut? After she survived and was patched up, that same night, she showed me something funny on her phone and laughed- then looked at me confused and asked why I wasn't laughing too. Maybe that was it. Or maybe it was when her screams during the fights with our parents- the kind of screams that sound like you're throwing them out of your heart not your lungs- became so traumatic to me that I now black out and collapse to the ground whenever I hear them or a similar sound. Apparently it looks like I'm having a seizure when it's happening. When I was even younger, I used to just hide in the linen closet and daydream until she stopped, or stare blankly into a mirror for hours.
We have wonderful parents, it should be mentioned. She likes to convince herself that they're abusive, so that she can add to her imaginary victim persona. Our parents are the most loving, kind, lenient, respectful example of parenting I have
ever seen or heard of- so the cause of her BPD cannot be pinned on a traumatic upbringing. And now, she's 20, living in their basement rent free, piling up so much trash it's a genuine health hazard, and smoking excessive amounts of weed every day. My parents remind her to take her pills each morning and night and she still forgets, and when she does take them she expects a big "Thank You" and pat on the head. She won't join us for dinner because she says she needs to smoke. Every day she asks my parents to drive her somewhere and buy her something. She seems to be emotionally stunted at a
very young age, and every time I notice it I'm filled with this awful mix of pity and sadness, and with incredible guilt for harboring resentment towards what could be considered the psyche of a blissfully ignorant child who doesn't know she's hurting anyone.
The thing that stands out the most, and always will to me, is her inability to recognize her hypocrisy and the damage she does to other people. One of her favorite pastimes is telling us how "toxic" we are for even lightly suggesting that she could try cleaning up after herself or being kinder to her own parents- because this is "too aggressive" and ignores her "disability" (BPD). Meanwhile, she gets to yell, scream, tell our mother and father to
off, and threaten to kill herself if we so much as blink at her wrong.
This post feels extremely inadequate in describing everything, but tonight I'm too burnt out to keep thinking of our relationship or her in general. There's really so, so much more, and probably worse/more relevant instances than what I've mentioned here but I just don't want to let my mind wander there. I'm sorry for the long post length, I'm not even sure if I'm posting in the right place or if this is how posts are supposed to be formatted. Anyways, if anyone read this, thank you for sticking with it. I feel guilty even writing these things about my own sister, but I think I hit a breaking point a long, long time ago.
