Getting husband to consent to treatment

[Angdoesteeth]

How can I get my husband to consent to therapy?  We are currently living together with two small children, and he says he is following through with his divorce threats.  He has periods where everything is normal, and then he brings up relationships that I had prior to meeting him and tries to intimidate and interrogate.  His immediate family(mother, father, two sisters, and me(wife) relationships are all extremely strained.  He has ruined them- almost to what I see as intentionally pushing us away.  Please help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Unfortunately getting someone with BPD to go to therapy is extremely difficult.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

What you can do is learn to change some of your responses to his behavior. That can make a huge difference in reducing conflict.

What specifically are some of the problem behaviors you are dealing with?

[St Jude]

My husband has been bringing up old relationships lately when he’s been drinking/ having emotional turmoil and putting me through an interrogation.  He followed-up with these texts during the workday while I was very busy and stressed demanding I give him confirmation (confirmation of what I still honestly don’t understand).  I have not seen or talked to this person he was obsessing over in 7 years, no clue why he even brought him up.  It is very shocking and disturbing when something rattles around their head and they think it’s some kind of real time threat.

I really love my husband and he’s great in so many ways but this crazy making stuff he comes up with is beyond stressful.  He recently started a new drug therapy, I am praying for him to make his way out of this and I send positive energy your way during your times of struggle.

[Angdoesteeth]

Cat- The problem behaviors are exactly like what St. Jude described.  Bringing up old relationships, specifically one that I had before he and I met(which was over 10 years ago!), and claiming that I'm having an affair or that I'm still in love with this guy and wish I had married the other guy instead.  Accusing me of lying about everything, interrogating me for hours, sleeping in a separate bedroom, and the list goes on.  When he gets in these obsessions, he will text me repeatedly throughout my work day with inflammatory and angry texts one after the other.  Before I would ignore him and just not respond, now I just block him and he is aware.

I think what keeps all of us holding on, is that when he is good, he is an awesome father and husband, but when he spirals out of control, it is very stressful and nerve-wracking.

[Angdoesteeth]

@St. Jude- Thank you for your response.  It is such a relief to know that I am not the only one that goes through this.  At first, I thought it actually was me, but after a few episodes I realized there was something very, very, wrong.  And the worst part is that he has totally separated himself from his immediate family(mother, father, and sisters), so he really has no one to unload on but me.  I wish I knew what triggered this behavior because his parents act as if he grew up in a 'Leave It To Beaver' house.  I'm starting to really wonder about that now.  They are very good at portraying to everyone (even their own family members) that they are such a happy, close family, when that is hardly the case.

[once removed]

are you trying to get him into solo therapy, or couples therapy, with you?

The problem behaviors are exactly like what St. Jude described.  Bringing up old relationships, specifically one that I had before he and I met(which was over 10 years ago!), and claiming that I'm having an affair or that I'm still in love with this guy and wish I had married the other guy instead.  Accusing me of lying about everything, interrogating me for hours, sleeping in a separate bedroom, and the list goes on.  When he gets in these obsessions, he will text me repeatedly throughout my work day with inflammatory and angry texts one after the other.  Before I would ignore him and just not respond, now I just block him and he is aware.

this is probably about more than meets the eye.

people with bpd traits, generally speaking, are very needy people. they tend to resent themselves for having those needs, and then turn that resentment on others for not meeting them. on top of it all, they tend to choose dysfunctional/destructive methods of trying to meet those needs, often ways that push their loved ones away.

underneath it all tends to be an underlying need (or want). a cry for attention, affection, relationship security, whatever.

how long ago did this start. can you think of anything that sort of precipitated it? how have you responded?

[Angdoesteeth]

once removed- perfectly stated. I at one time thought this could be bipolar disorder, but since I did my research and came here, I feel such a relief.  Alot of the posts here I can relate to, whereas when I looked at bipolar groups- some things were the same, but didn't exactly fit.  'Very needy' and 'extremely sensitive' is so accurate it's scary.

 I first noticed these behaviors shortly after we started dating, however they were few and far between.  Now, it seems to be much more frequent- like a 6 week cycle.  I am very interested in couples therapy, but I also think he needs one-on-one as well to get to the root of the issue.  I am hesitant to do couples therapy with someone that does not specialize in BPD, because I already know that it could lead to disaster-especially if he feels like the therapist is taking my side.  And as I stated before, I have to get him to agree to therapy because he doesn't think it will work because he's adamant that I'm the problem.  Also, he doesn't have a problem, so he thinks.

As far as what could have precipitated this most recent episode- I went to the mall with a friend and agreed to be back at a certain time.  I wasn't driving, and I keep telling her that I had to be back at noon because my husband had a golf game that he was playing at 1:30pm. She took a little too long at the store trying on shoes, and we didn't end up getting back until 12:40pm.  Of course he was angry, didn't speak to me for 2 days, and when he did, it was to lecture about how I am disrepectful, etc.  I apologized, but that fell on deaf ears.  That was almost two weeks ago, and he is still brooding but it has now escalated to 'if I disrespect him, then I must be sleeping or in love with someone else'.