What to say after unexpected break in no contact…

[Mr. Kelly]

Hi all…

If you haven’t been following my story… My GF of 1.5 years broke up with me (for likely about the eighth or 10th time), a couple of weeks ago… And it ended with a series of very nasty text exchanges… Mostly her going on and on about how it’s my fault she is leaving.

A week has gone by, and this morning, I get a mundane text from her asking me to wipe out an iPad that I bought for her a few weeks ago that might have personal information on it.

There was nothing engaging about her text.

I have listened to a lot of relationship experts, even online therapists, that have varying opinions on what to do when an ex reaches out like this after a period of no contact.

First of all, I don’t know how I feel about it. I know I love her, but I know I can’t continue with that kind of chaos, at least as it was.  I knew it was likely I was going to hear back from her, and just seeing her text come in brought back a bunch of anxiety that I was starting to heal from.  So, I’m torn.

One expert believes that this kind of text may be a conscious or subconscious way of her to try to reach out to me to see what kind of response she will get.  The actual therapist coach says I should take some time to respond, but then write her back and perhaps ask her how she is doing. If she doesn’t really keep the conversation going, I should go back to no contact and move on, until or unless I hear from her again.

Another fellow says that because this text does not say anything revealing, that I should play harder to get and not respond at all. He says I should wait for her to push a little harder and ask something personal, or revealing.  The other coach says that’s ridiculous, and I should respond to every attempt at communication.

Almost everyone says that I should not try to carry any conversation, other than the opening response that I might write to her.

Well, she is likely undiagnosed BPDs, with perhaps other conditions, as well, so that makes the situation much trickier, I think.

What do you think I should say? I know it seems lame that I am asking this question, and I know I will make my own decision, I’m just curious to see what you guys might think about it, and what you might suggest.

Thoughts?

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[Anonym2806]

Hello,

Well, from a situation to another it’s different finally. I read so many things here but I always followed my heart.
Last year, my ex gf gave me the silent treatment for months and then came back like nothing happened. Just saying she was depressed.
This time it’s the same. We broke up in October, was still talking until december and then she was mad at me. Ignored me a few weeks. Then, 1 month ago found her on Tinder. She was upset but she matched me the day after and talked to me. Trying to get me begging to go back together.
I ignored her behaviors and been for nc for 5 weeks.
Last week I sent her a message to ask her how was she. Since last week, we talk very lightly. Nothing special. I told her today I didn’t want to bother her and she said I don’t.
So I think it’s you and your feelings. You know her and know how and when to reach out.
Believe me, all this advises from the web doesn’t stick to everyone and certainly not for bpd.

[once removed]

One expert believes...
Another fellow says...

these are just games.

dont get me wrong: when youre navigating contact after a relationship, especially if you have hope of reconciling it, you have to pull your punches a bit. but contact like this, after a breakup is relatively normal, and all too easy to read too much into.

my advice would be to take her contact at face value. if theres anything more to it, she will let you know.

she asked for help with wiping out an ipad. you could...

1. agree to help
2. tell her how to do it herself
3. ignore it

what do you want to do?

[Mr. Kelly]

these are just games.

dont get me wrong: when youre navigating contact after a relationship, especially if you have hope of reconciling it, you have to pull your punches a bit. but contact like this, after a breakup is relatively normal, and all too easy to read too much into.

my advice would be to take her contact at face value. if theres anything more to it, she will let you know.

she asked for help with wiping out an ipad. you could...

1. agree to help
2. tell her how to do it herself
3. ignore it

what do you want to do?

I have the iPad, and I suspect she was anxious about having her personal information on a device that is no longer in her possession. It never really was, since I had just bought it for her as a birthday gift. It hasn’t even been fully set up.

Update… I let it go for three hours or so, just to let my head settle, and didn’t respond back… Eventually, she reached out on a different portal and seemed a little snippy asking if I had received her other text, and if I could delete all of her information off of the iPad…

At that point it didn’t seem appropriate for me to hold out any longer, so I simply said “no problem, I can do that” to which she replied, ‘thank you”.

It’s so hard to say because this girl’s head is swimming in so many different directions that I don’t think she knows what the heck is up.

After I responded to her, I felt a little relief, but I’m feeling quite a bit saddened by the whole thing now, because it’s so unnecessary, and however this girl gets things in her head I’ll never know, and no amount of convincing on the planet was able to rock the thoughts that she had that  I am just not capable of moving forward in our relationship, despite every conceivable thing that I’ve ever said to her to the contrary.

It just makes no sense.

I’m just going to wait on it a while, and then try to enjoy the peace and quiet, and see if any epiphanies come, either from myself or from her.

[once removed]

I’m just going to wait on it a while, and then try to enjoy the peace and quiet, and see if any epiphanies come, either from myself or from her.

this is a good idea, and i also think you handled things well.

at the risk of reading too much into it, it does sound a bit like she reached out in anger. there are worse things. resentment boils over and heals, and its something you can work with; better than if she were emotionally done and over it.

use the time to keep learning, and toward becoming the most attractive version of yourself. there may well be a next time.

[Seeleygirl]

Hey MrK,

I can only go by what I think it would have meant if my pwBPD had done it so it might not be the same at all, but he would do something like that because he just needs a lot of love (read: support/attention or any form of this). She is feeling vulnerable now and stressed so it could be that she was reaching out to you just to just simply make sure you are still there. Just the fact that you are or would respond to her might be making her feel that it couldn’t all be her fault because you are still talking to her. Or it could just be her trying to gain some sort of control of over the situation again - if she is the one who reaches out over a general/non-intimate subject then she is controlling your relationship again even in just a small way. I find BPDs need that kind of control over their lives even if it’s just in a small way. My pwBPD is very much like that in that he will have a very public split with someone and talk about them in all sorts of ways, but then he will send them a benign msg about nothing. I have no real understanding why either but I think it’s a combination of needing attention/support from as many people as possible but at the same time needing to be in complete control of the the level of that relationship. I hope that helps. Good luck with everything,
Seeley