Ugh! In the past, I used to run into similar issues. My husband would feel dissed if someone didn’t respond the way he thought they should. He would then recount the story to me and ask my opinion.
Lots of times, like you, I’d see nothing wrong with this person’s behavior and I’d explain my reasoning.
Immediately, it would turn into “YOU’RE ON
THEIR SIDE!” which was ridiculous because often I didn’t even know that individual. Of course I’d amplify the drama by saying that and off we’d go...
Now I use really non committal responses, “Hmmm...” “Wow” and try to change the subject. If he seems to need more, I might ask him how he felt about their response or I might venture a guess: “I bet that made you feel really overlooked?”
Sometimes if I say something like “That must have really hurt” he will deflect and say it wasn’t so bad.
I can understand how your husband might have felt overlooked by both you and the person at work. You know how pwBPD make a habit of overgeneralizing. And I think it’s likely that some of his anger toward her got dumped on you.
As far as addressing the issue later, remember how everything is in the moment with pwBPD and to bring up something that he had either let go of or perhaps felt silly for having such a strong reaction, could be seen as shaming him. (I know, sounds peculiar since you were just trying to make amends for not responding in a supportive way previously. And to clarify, most people wouldn’t have needed that support anyway, but we’re talking about a pwBPD here.)
