Answers to move on

[randomboy]

Hello to all.

I’m really not sure, if my short term ex is a BPD and the intention of this post is to ease my mind, because I constant looping.

I met her in a work (at a cafe), where we instantly felt for each other, we had similar outlook on the world, writing poetry, creating music. After a month of seeing each other, we have kissed - she had a little traumatic response slightly before the kiss but when I asked, if I can kiss her, she said yes.
She’s a lot younger than me, just 19 (me 26). What I noticed was a little outbursts, when someone made fun of her, like saying something a bit offending, she could imediatelly change the tone of voice and get offended. Her maturity was one of these triggers. Cause she is from very closed family, her dad had sone angry management issues (now on antidepresants) and they are spending a lot of the time on a cottage far away from town where we live.
Another thing I noticed was when I gave her a gift, she start acting like it is unoleasant and had a hard time to say “thank you.” Also she usually noticed when I changed my facial expression from happines to something less happines and start asking whats wrong.
Also I remember her screaming at her friend (a boy) something like “i told you to shut up like ten times today”, laughing, which i found a little bit odd - but her bluntness was something i get used to it. She never was so blunt on me, max. she was saying i’m stupid, which she realised.
Oh, the next weird thing was her imitating my imediate responses, when I tet excited and did some funny gesture or something, she automaticaly mirrored it.

We were together just 3 months. Please, understand that she was my first girl in 7 years and I catched a deep emotions towards her. Firstly, i noticed her not answering for day, two, than explaining, she was ill or something like that. She was telling me that when she’s ill, she can’t do anything. I started to search for the patterns in my attitude that could cause it. I knew she is super sensitive and didn’t want to overdo it. That happened regulary, like sudden drop of connection. Than I noticed that when I suggest to meet, she couldn’t do it, she gets ill or is really busy. The next flag was her telling me in a straight manner, what I should do, when it comes to leaving each other, something like “you are getting out of the tram, bye”.
What really strucked me was one evening, when I visited her at the cafe (i didn’t get her echo before, I live next street) and when she ends, she abruptly left without saying a word to me.

We began to be intimate and then the holidays happended. She was signalising me, that she’s leaving with family for cottage. We should meet up but she canceled for the last second, that the mother dont want her to go as they’re leaving. As i was wondering through the city i met her randomly. I gave her my gift for christmass (i wrote her a poetry book) and than i didnt ser her fir 3 weeks. During this time we were messaging but something starts to biting me - i think i was sad that i cant see her.

After the new year everything falt apart. She came back and i asked her if i could see her, she was busy. Yeah i catched the feeling like I’m not a priority in her life. Next day we’ve seen each other at work and I was mellow (there was other things that was going on in my life), she noticed and started act distanced. After the 3 weeks, we were alone for 20 minutes (then our friends and colleages start comin in and they didn’t know, we are dating, so we acted like a friends) and i was just asking about her holidays tbh. I didnt even kiss her, something was of. I was just perplexed, how ger acting changed when i was in a bad mood. You got me? Like... is everything just a reaction, or is it real? There was some outbursts from her reacting on me.
Two days later i’ve met her in a tram with a boy and talked to her. She said her hands are freezing and the boy catched her hand in an air. Ugh, bad memory. We were talking, and as i needed to go out from tram, i asked if shes free on friday and her reaction was “i’m leaving again the town, going to cottage... nect week?”
Something bottled up in me just bursted and i made some weird facial expresion, looked at her, shrugged my shoulders and left the tram, saying bye. That was the last time i saw her.

I immediately knew that this is bad, start panicking, we exchabged like three mssgs, me mostly trying to set a date (i didnt wanted to discuss it virtualy), her telling me she is busy, then she starts ignoring me. After a week of ignoring i couldnt make it, i wrote her a message, trying to make her understand that i was sad that we are not seeing each other and thats why i shrugged shoulders and that the situation wasnt comfortable for me, i said sorry.. to which she replied shes got intimity anxiety, that its unfair to end it like this but she cant do it other way, that she’s exhausted. There was a running metaphore love between us, the metaphore was “rising sun” and i wrote her calmly that her health a and sunrises are more important than intimacy between us. Told her shes amazing person and to take care. I meant it.

They cancelled hers and others shifts at work. I started seeing therapeutist and didnt wrote her for idk 40 days? Than i wrote her and we were writing each other message a day, but she starts to temper off, messaging me after week for example. That lasts for a month, than i answerd for something and wished her nice easters and wrote her “i hope the sun is shining on you” which is cheesy as hell i know:((:D she didnt respond, so i stopped also. We were writing about photography and nothing about our relationship, not even a word.

This convo was my intention to get her out but i was too anxious about her responds. Sometimes i respond after days also, cause i deleted the mssnger as i didnt want to be sad about her not responding. Feels traumatised? Yeah indeed.
I didnt even asked her out as i was scared to ruin the convo.

Hm, a week ago, she released a song she recorded after our breakup. The songs name is the sun wont rise today and is about me. One part is particulary hurtful: “find another victory, another intoxication, because the sun wont come up”.

I dont know what to think about all this, im just recycling thoughts. Thanks if you read it, i just needed to let it out. It hurts still, 3 months after, it hurts differently though. Bye)

[randomboy]

Edit: it was her friend, who was holding her hand in front of me, but i didnt knew it at a time. She never said a word about it. It made me feel weird, maybe it shouldn’t from her point of view, but it did. My father left our family out of a sudden when i was 6 and my only memory of him is holding his hands, so maybe it is the reason why it was unsettling for me.
Also, she never said a word that she recieved my gift, which is sad. They opened the café, so she can work there but she choose not to take any shifts, it could be because of her maturity exams, but i feel like i take a part in it also. One of the reasons, why i feel like i cant get out is that i’m stuck in this job with possibility to seeing her often. It scares me. I should move on, which is so trenendously hard. Thanks for replies..

[Mutt]

Hi randomboy,



I’m sorry for  the circumstances that led you to our site here. I can hear the pain in your words. It’s hard when you don’t why someone that you’re into starts to slowly pull away, it can make you feel like you’re on high alert and desperate with figuring out what to do to stop it from happening. I’m not reading BPD behaviors but it sounds like a maturity issue to me. Have you messaged her?

[randomboy]

Hello, thanks for soothing words.

I did wrote her, month after the break-up and we had a nice conversations but not about relationship, for about month.. Then she didnt respond and it made me sad so I didn’t initiate again. After that she released the song in which she is basically tellin me to find someone else.
It left me speechless and I’m scared of her reactions. I believe the only tiny little chance is that she will write me in the future.
Why do you think its a good idea to write her?

[Mutt]

I wouldn’t write to her. Give her space. Take this time to self reflect. I’d suggest to post on the Bettering board if you’re not over with the r/s. ( relationship )

[Laylabelle1]

Hi Random boy
The frustration in your post really shows through.
Whether BPD or not this person is showing push and pull behaviours which are causing anxiety for you. Push and pull is one of the most confusing situations to be in because you don't know where you stand. I understand the writing to her, I've done it myself when I felt the pull away, we do this out of our own fears of losing someone. In my case I asked to be told were we stood but it made no difference. If she can't be straight with you, is nice to you in conversations, but continues to say she's busy, that is mixed signals.
The use of songs is very emotional, we are told to listen to lyrics and we analyse every sentence, I  had this too on valentines day but no other contact which made any sense since before the holidays. I still didn't know if we were on or off.
If someone needs to tell you where you stand in a song but they can't say it to your face there is a communication problem, you can't have a relationship based on songs and texts, but it is very easy and addictive to be involved in and very hard to let go of.
I suggest as the above poster says, try not to write, try not to keep wondering what she wants or thinks, but look at how you feel yourself.
This is hurting you, no one wants to read ' too busy' it is hurtful and a clear message that you are not important right now ' whatever the reason '. Reasons are different to excuses.
This advice was given to me too but it took me a while to see it.
If someone wants you in their life they will put you there, they won't just move on but 'keep' you there. They will be clear in their actions and you won't be confused.
Take some time for you and think about what you want for yourself to feel calm and consistent.

[randomboy]

I will keep rereading your posts again and again. Feelling a strange connection to you, to this community and despite the fact she has not a Bpd (and therefore i’m happy for her), your experiences and your outlook on the world are essential and i’ll take them to the heart.

A close friend of mine with diagnosed bpd and bipolar told me that I have a great ability to love but I have a problem to accept love and these words strucked with me. Have to say that last week or two I’m doing a steps to being emotionaly balanced. ‘Cause last few months feeled like running through the streets with my sympathies. You are right. The problem is I always see the good in people and forgeting about the bad things that caused me to feel this way. Not wanting to be in my life does not make someone a bad person I know that. It’s about dealing with others that makes us mature and once you are mature, you are living for the others. Maybe.. and this crossed my mind just right now - I jumped to maturity around that time when she decided to shake things off. And I catched the feelings around that time, which made it really surreal:)

Well, it was a song she recorded herself and the lyrics definitelly were about me - it’s not paranoic inlook trust me with this. We don’t really post anything on social media. She basically described the procces of abrupt change of her feelings about me. A little bit of acusation of me being a “player”. I find it a bit cruel but maybe thats just my ego. Will have a bit problem to trust again, because, as always, people can use my love against me.

But the great thing is that i’m in a band and that we will be releasing an EP at the beginning of June and she was with me when we recorded it and I will have a nice escape to keep my mind busy. And it’s so much better:DD sorry, i think a little bit of anger is profound to my soul polluted with sadness and love:)

Thank you all for reading this and for oportunity to talk about it - it is helping.

[randomboy]

Reasons are different to excuses.

Could you please expand this sentence when you have time?, English is not my native language so I’m not sure I understand. (But i’ll be thinking about it)