Has anyone here been to couple’s therapy with their BPD partner/ex?

[HealingTee]

Hi Everyone. Wondering if anyone here has ever been to couple’s therapy with their BPD partner/ex? Did it go well or did it go badly? Please share your experience with me. Thank you!

[MeandThee29]

It's generally not recommended unless the disordered person has fairly mild issues or has received active treatment to the point that the emotional outbursts, defensiveness, projection, and mood swings being handled in a more productive way. They need to be taking responsibility for their issues, not blaming the partner. So individual therapy first in most cases.

If you are separated, it's expected that they will get better because they're not being triggered. That doesn't mean that they've improved and worked on the deep issues that drive BPD.

Our joint therapist diagnosed my ex and told me after he took off and then decided to relocate. Her comment when I last saw her when I was deep in the divorce process was, "Some people just shouldn't be married." I had a hard time coming to terms with the divorce, but it had to be.

[EyesUp]

I went down this path four times over several years.

uBPDW fired the first MC after he disagreed with her about reasons to have a 3rd child.

The second MC was top notch, but noted that the dynamic was high conflict.  We timed out when my employer switched health plans and the MC was no longer in network.

We took a break from MC, although I started to ask to return about 2 years ago.  Finally got back into it when I discovered W's affair.

The third MC stated that couples therapy was contra-indicated after the fourth session, although she did not elaborate.

Despite this, we went back about 3 months later to the worst of the four MCs.  This attempt only lasted a few weeks - the MC basically set up a framework for someone - anyone - to capitulate.  I finally started to set boundaries - no thanks to the MC - which set us on a course to disengage with the MC and ultimately head to divorce.

In hindsight, in my particular relationship, my W felt threatened by the most basic questions (questions, not accusations).  We never had a chance to unpack her feelings or attempt to address them, reactivity was so high that any dialog would devolve quickly.

As others have said, this is a highly personal condition and some might benefit where many do not. 

YMMV - Good luck.

[Duped_312]

This is a great question and I'm following along to see what other say. My ex continuously asked to go to counseling but I knew it was only bc he was intent on making me feel like I had problems too. "youre not perfect", was his big retort to everything. So the counseling thing was a trap to get me in on the blame. I have been in couple therapy before with a boyfriend many years ago, and he was such a good guy our situation was nothing like this. I knew my finance was trying to manipulate the situation. So I refused. My married friends, who know nothing, and understand nothing, suggested counseling as well and seemed put off that I wasn't interested. They saw me as giving up, and whats worse, their husbands, also close friends, don't approve of what "Ive" done... not what HE'S done... No.  ME. I am the friend of 20 years. He was the freak who enver came out, hated one of them, and did nothing but causes problems for their friend of 20 years. But they have very obviously sided with him, really. I dont care though.  So the marriage counseling thing is one of those things Im interested in hearing about, especially since I very staunchly refused it. Like another before said, I also have read that therapy together is a bad idea for BPD couples. We are both victims, but of such different things that there is no real common ground there to work on. You're working on two entirely different issues with its not beneficial to even bother including the other person in those beginning stages.  But I'd definitely like to hear what other's experienced. Thanks to those that have answered so far!

[Turkish]

I was always told I was a good kid, and my mother basked in those compliments. Yet when I started becoming a man, I became trouble (to her).

When I was 11, the day after 6th grade ended, she moved us literally overnight from a middle class suburban lifestyle to 25 acres in the forest with no plumbing (or even an outhouse), electricity, and a kerosene heater for heat in an unfinished barn shell (plywood and studs). I mostly ate room temperature food out of cans. Soon after, we lived in a cab over camper. I had an attitude, so she took us to family counseling. I drove us 60 miles into the city at night. I was 12, driving illegally (that was actually cool, but very irresponsible of her) while she slept in the passenger seat.

The first session, I felt safe to talk. How naive I was. I said something and she jumped down my throat, "I do NOT do that!" The counselor said nothing. My 12 year old self noted that counseling was  it would be another three decades until I took it seriously when my ex took us (me) to couples counseling.

The rest of the sessions was me talking to the T solo while my mom slept in the car. 25 years later, my mother, apropos of nothing, asked, "did I ever tell you what that therapist told me about you?" I got angry, knowing what was coming. "No," I replied. "He said that you were one of the most well adjusted young men he'd ever met." I was to angry to reply, but I wanted to scream, IT WOULD HAVE HELPED IF YOU'D TOLD ME THAT BACK THEN.

When I was 16, she told me that everyone thought I was sloop great, but she knew the "real" Turkish! (What, a POS?). I moved out on my 18th birthday, and by then my mom confided with me her diagnosed depression as she was having a breakdown. It wouldn't be until I made my way here that I surmised that she had BPD. Then she admitted it to me. She also told me that when I was little she had been diagnosed with PTSD and had been going to counseling for that.

When I was dating the mother of our children, my then not ex told me I was a bad communicator and that I needed to take classes. I found a couple's communication class on our mutual insurance. I was hopeful and told her. She told me, "Good luck with that." I replied, "it's a couple's communication class, we're both supposed to go." She noticed my crestfallen look and said, "fine, we'll go." We both liked the class.  That wasn't the problem though. Here I'll admit that I'm a Gen-X latckhkey kid of a single mother who worked nights. I tend to be calm and took care of myself from a early age. I also expect that of a mate. Yet having a mother with BPD, depression, PTSD and Anxiety, I didn't know what I didn't know. I learned that in at risk youth mentoring which is where I met my ex.

I the end, after my 31 year old mother of our children met a 21 year old college football jock bouncer while out clubbing as I was home with our 1 and 2 year old pups.

After I found out of their affair, she suggested counseling. I a familiar repeat of history, she abandoned me to therapy after a single session. By then I had realized that it was to "fix" me, like my mom likely felt 30 years previously. Projection.

When my ex's marriage to her young football stud was ending (which started shortly after they married and cohabitated) she also sent him to counseling. I know that, but I don't know if they tried joint therapy.

[HopelessBroken]

I attended couples counseling with my expwBPD, it was after I discovered his first infidelity. Great counselor but somehow everything got turned around on me. This was pre BPD diagnosis. We then did individual therapy and he was diagnosed BPD during this time. He quit individual therapy when the therapist continued to hold him accountable. I continued individual therapy.

He later began individual therapy with a second therapist who passed him off to a third therapist due to being too difficult to work with. The plan with the third therapist was after a number of individual therapy sessions I was to join in for couples therapy.  He discarded me for the final time right before we were scheduled to begin couples therapy again.

My experience did not go well. Random issues were consistently brought up in the sessions that in his eyes were my fault. We got nowhere.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey HealingTee, Sure, I've done it, but the pattern was always the same: my BPDxW would attend a few sessions to make a case against me, then would drop out when the T held her accountable for her actions.

As HopelessBroken describes, we got nowhere.

Worth a try and no particular downside to it, if you keep your expectations low.

LuckyJim

[EZEarache]

I can't imagine it could have gone much worse. However, in the greater scheme of things it went the way it needed to.

After the third or fourth session, she screamed at the therapist because she was convinced he was not treating me correctly. I was depressed with suicidal ideation as a result of the constant blame shifting and guilt tripping. This was back in October, and I didn't really understand what was going on at the time. I just accepted, that I was being disrespectful, hurtful or abusive.

After ExGFwBPD screamed at the therapist, I ended up in therapy by myself for a couple of sessions. I decided to stop going to therapy because when she actually did attended she would say mean out of line things to me. This would cause even more fights after the session was over. So we didn't have any sessions for a couple of months, because I felt like it was making things worse, and I really wanted to find a path forward.

Then we had a major fight and I had to move out. I started booking sessions again for myself, because I was totally crushed by the breakup. I think about this time she wrote a really nasty Google review of the therapist, which wasn't even accurate. It said we stopped going to seeing the therapist.

It sucks that she tried to damage the therapist's career. However, it also ended up demonstrating a BPD trait for her. Between me sharing all of the text communications she was sending me with the therapist, and her own erratic behavior in the sessions the therapist was able to confirm my suspicions that she does have BPD.

After I left, we started doing couples therapy again, because we couldn't talk to each other without screaming, by this point. We managed to use the sessions to make some terms for visitation, and custody, so it was extremely useful for this.

We had a few more sessions where we sort of toyed with the idea of working things out. However, after we got closer and closer to the move furniture out date, her interactions with me via text and in therapy just were way to volatile.

So I guess it depends on how you look at it going badly. Sure the sessions were completely unproductive in terms of us working out our differences. Still, at the end of the day, I have a confirmation that this relationship's failure is not entirely my fault. I know it sounds crazy, but all of the blame shifting really made me believe that my actions were entirely the problem. Having a professional be able to validate my suspicions has been very reassuring. Unfortunately, the therapist doesn't see a way for me to ever be able to convince her to get the help she needs. That's a hard pill to swallow.

[Wilyred]

Very interesting thread. I've been dating my partner almost a year and the BPD Tendencies didn't come out until six months in because he is very high-functioning. When I realized the intense fights where he would "glitch out" with rage, say things not part of our relationship, leave in a door slamming dramatic fashion, then not remember the awful things he had said were not normal, I insisted we try couples therapy which he agreed to and pays for. We've been going since February and he has lost it in front of the therapist. The therapist was kind enough to see me individually, cleverly setting up the one-on-one right in front of him. At first she told me borderline was extremely rare found in only 4% of people, but once I started describing behaviors, I think she got it. She said I need to consider about what I'm getting out of this relationship, if this man is truly a long-term partner for me, and that I need to work on making myself happy and continuing with codependency recovery. She says I need to know what my line is, that when he crosses it I will know, and I need to remain true to myself in this relationship. Basically she told me that she found me easy to work with and therapy and that he was extremely defensive and not willing to accept much accountability for the issues. I want him to talk about some of his behaviors that he started exhibiting such as showing up at my house in the middle of the night and waking me up because he thought I was ignoring him when I was sleeping. And now he is starting with the jealousy at random people I talk to. The therapist said we can keep slogging through it but she didn't sound hopeful. I'm not ready to give up yet as things can be really good. He has never gone to individual therapy on his own only with past partners. Our next appointment is in one week. My goal is do you have him talk about and hopefully gain insight into his extreme behaviors in therapy because he is extremely hostile to the idea he may have borderline and has told me I am not allowed to bring it up anymore