Should I reach out or not?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all,

I have a friend who I think may have bpd. We have been very close friends for years, but I have felt really uncomfortable at times and have had a lottttt of anxiety throughout. I moved houses 30 minutes away about a year ago, and they had tremendous melt downs of sadness almost every day that stressed me out so badly that I would wake up screaming in the middle of the night.

Now I've been dating someone long distance for over a year and I am moving to be closer to them. Me and my friend had what I thought was a really honest and productive conversation about it. But they haven't spoken to me for 4 days and I feel weird reaching out but I know that if I don't reach out, they'll think I don't care about them.

The truth is, I care very deeply about them, but I am simultaneously drained and have so much stress surrounding the relationship that I am not sure how to proceed.

Any advice or input is welcome.

[NeedAdvice87]

Hi all,

I have a friend who I think may have bpd. We have been very close friends for years, but I have felt really uncomfortable at times and have had a lottttt of anxiety throughout. I moved houses 30 minutes away about a year ago, and they had tremendous melt downs of sadness almost every day that stressed me out so badly that I would wake up screaming in the middle of the night.

Now I've been dating someone long distance for over a year and I am moving to be closer to them. Me and my friend had what I thought was a really honest and productive conversation about it. But they haven't spoken to me for 4 days and I feel weird reaching out but I know that if I don't reach out, they'll think I don't care about them.

The truth is, I care very deeply about them, but I am simultaneously drained and have so much stress surrounding the relationship that I am not sure how to proceed.

Any advice or input is welcome.

[formflier]

Sometimes it's better to reach out...but about nothing in particular.

If most of your reaching out is about discussing the relationship...you can change the dynamic and discuss something else. 

"Hey..I saw that movie you mentioned the other day.  Do you think they will make a  sequel?"

Do you think something like that will work?  What do you think your friend would say?

Best,

FF

[NeedAdvice87]

I think if I go the casual conversation route, she will feel insulted that I'm not addressing the obvious issue. I think where I'm at right now is that I care about her deeply and love her very much but at the same time I don't want to keep living with this nearly constant anxiety and discomfort.

 So part of me really doesn't want to bridge the gap.. and the real reason I'm wanting to reach out is to make myself feel better, and because I can't stand causing her pain by not reaching out.

I'm so seriously conflicted about what to do.

Thank you for your thoughts!

[formflier]

Do you see the catch 22 you are putting yourself in?

If I say this...then she will likely react badly.

If I don't say this...then she will likely react badly.

What is the common theme?  (serious question)

Based on your answer to the above...what are the implications for how you communicate?

Best,

FF

[NeedAdvice87]

So the common theme is she will react badly no matter what.

Re: communication: I am a terrible communicator. I read the book about nonviolent communication this year and it helped me a lot.

But I never communicated to her what tremendous stress it put me under the last time I moved, which is likely why I have been unable to communicate about this move, and also why I'm so hesitant to reach out right now.

I feel like I'm in self protection mode because I don't want to be the center of that intense reaction that lasted weeks on end again.

Thank you so much for your input! Seriously valued.

[formflier]

So the common theme is she will react badly no matter what.
 

EXACTLY!

No..I'm not giving you license to say whatever..whenever..however. 

Yes you should be deliberate about improving your communications skills (shouldn't we all?)...

Yet...I'm not so sure I would beat yourself up about being a bad communicator...have you ever considered it might be wise to not communicate about certain subjects (such as moving)?

So...where to start?

Validating questions

I'm interested in your initial reaction to that article.

Best,

FF

[NeedAdvice87]

Validating questions! Good idea. I reached out today bc I didnt want her to be able to say I had abandoned her and never reached out. I simply said I've been processing alot, I remember her saying she may need space and time to adjust to this idea and I respect that, but wanted to let her know I'm here if she wants to talk.

Truthfully it hurts my stomach to think about talking.

But I will certainly try to employ validating questions when we do talk.

I have a really bad habit of asking "aw really?" when she tells me how she feels, which apparently is infuriating and invalidating.

[beatricex]

hi,
When someone creates a handle and calls themself "NeedAdvice" I really just want to reflect back to them what they've said.

Why do you need advice?  Are you trapped in this relationship, or is it voluntary?

Remember, in a healthy relationship anyone is free to come or go.

Sorry your stomach is hurting.

b

[NeedAdvice87]

Thanks B! I am not trapped, but I do value their friendship and I want to give them a chance to conduct a healthy friendship with me, since I have never set boundaries with them before. I figure before walking away, I should give her a chance to operate within my comfort level, because we are very close friends.

I have explained that im overwhelmed with the intensity of her feelings and that I am now in the process of figuring out what I need in order for the friendship to be healthy for me.

The problem is, now I cant really articulate what would need to change exactly. I just don't want to be on the receiving end and feel emotionally needed for their series of absolutely constant crises.

[beatricex]

Borderlines are pretty good at the "Woah is me...you are my only friend or ...you are my only relative that cares" routine.

Been there done that.

I don't know how many times my Mom has drawn me in with that one.  Then I realize it's all lies, terrible lies, she just uses people and gets sympathy where people are naive enough to fall for it.

Just throwing out the possibility that our needing to "fix" the friend or relative with BPD, cause we're the only when they got, is in my experience completely bogus.

do you think that applies to your situation.  You're finding it incredibly difficult to walk away, but also, stomach hurts to thing about a dialogue.

modify as appropriate if I didn't get that quite right

b

[Mommydoc]

It is good you reached out. 

she may need space and time to adjust to this idea

Her response is encouraging.  She didn’t melt down and behave as she had before, which is a good thing.  Sometimes when my uBPD person in my life doesn’t “ react” the way I expected, it throws me off guard, and I am wondering if you are feeling that way.

I want to give them a chance to conduct a healthy friendship with me, since I have never set boundaries with them before. I figure before walking away, I should give her a chance to operate within my comfort level, because we are very close friends.

Are you feeling any self doubt about your ability to set boundaries with her and your ability to be in a healthy relationship without the drama and meltdowns, since that would be a major change?  Change is hard, even when it is a good change. The physical distance may help, but perhaps introducing a similar emotional distance could also help the relationship become healthier.  It doesn’t need to be all or nothing.  Since you are moving farther away, could there be a period of seeing each other less frequently and talking less frequently.   By doing that, it frees you up to put your energy into your romantic relationship and expanding your circle with new healthy friendships after you move.  It might help both of you and preserve the relationship in the long run.   

[NeedAdvice87]

It's been a little while now. I sent her a detailed letter on Monday about my experience and how her extremes have affected me in the past. It went well. She wasn't ready to talk yet but we had planned to talk today.

I ended up having to drop the bomb thru text early this morning that my partner and I bought a house yesterday, since I wanted to be the one to tell her before she saw it on my partner's instagram feed. So now I'm anxiously awaiting that reaction and I hate that we hadn't had a chance to talk before I unleashed that info as I felt she was finally coming around and feeling safe again. She is in therapy and said that she has to go in for a full psych evaluation so it may be that she's about to find out why these patterns always emerge.

We did nottttt expect to win that house and we are in complete shock. It happened way faster than we expected and we were not prepared. I figured I would have had more time in between to smooth things over with my friend. But here we are!

[formflier]

Something to keep in mind...

Delivering important news (good or bad) via text rarely goes well, even in "normal" relationships.

Why not just pic up the phone for a brief call?

Best,

FF

[Methuen]

I ended up having to drop the bomb thru text early this morning that my partner and I bought a house yesterday

The fact that telling your friend you bought a house “is a bomb” is a red flag that this is an unhealthy relationship.  

See how her feelings control what you say and do (behaviors)?

I would not be afraid to tell my friends this, but if I put myself in your place and had to tell my ubpd mother this news, my anxiety would be off the charts.  

Sometimes we have to tell them the facts, but in a kind and gentle way, and then accept that they are going to have uncomfortable feelings about it, and then give them time to self soothe, and resist trying to rush in to fix their feelings for them.  The SET tool could also help here.

Then we have to take care of ourselves and our own fears.

Has your friend responded yet?

[bethanny]

Advice I often was told in 12 step rooms.

Take the action and let go of the results.

Good luck!

[NeedAdvice87]

Ooh! I love that! Take the action and let go of the results.

Yes she did react by saying "Thank you for letting me know. Congrats" and then a seemingly endless string of texts about not feeling safe talking to me since I said her reactions tend to overwhelm me, that she needed time away from me and that she had plenty of support and don't worry about her.

And then four hours later apologized, said she wasn't in her right nervous system, and said i love you and miss you. Which felt incredibly similar to abusive relationship dynamics to me.

Four more hours later, more texts about trying to sound rational.

Yall I'm just so over it. I have been having a panic attack for about two weeks straight.

At this point, I think I need to know how to cut it off. I hate that it has come to this but I feel physically ill from the stress it's causing me.

[bethanny]

Sometimes detachment ends up our only option for healthy self-protection.

Our needs have to come first.  Should not be ignored or minimized because of the "opera mode" of someone we genuinely care about.

Sometimes we get so busy visualizing the wounded inner child of another manifesting in their adulthood, we ignore the wounded inner child within ourselves.

I used to feel like when overly taking care of manipulative and narcissistic people or just decent but incredibly stressed out people, their inner child ended up punching my inner child in the nose!

[NeedAdvice87]

Sometimes we get so busy visualizing the wounded inner child of another manifesting in their adulthood, we ignore the wounded inner child within ourselves.

This really spoke to me THANK YOU! Is there any smooth way to do disengage? I'm at a really good point to do this, as I have expressed how stressed out I have been and she continues to barrage me with intense feelings and mood swings. Anger, dismissal, remorse, love... rationality at times. I'm physically ill from the stress I've been feeling over this and I know it is time to end it.

I do not know how to do this bc I care about her soo much.

[Mommydoc]

Congratulations on the house!  There are clearly some exciting positive changes in your life.  Put your energy into your new home and new life.  I am not sure you have to fully disengage, but perhaps it is matter of focusing 90% of your energy on the relationships and things in your life that are worthy of your attention.