Struggles with reaching out.

[Daniel 128]

So my BPD ex has broken up with me several times in the past; however, I am sure that this time she will not come back. I told her that I went on on two dates during times she had previously broken up with me. She was extremely hurt and mad. It's been over two weeks since we have broken up. My mind keeps defaulting to all the good times, the intimacy, and the special moments while forgetting about the nightmare and abuse she had put me through.

Though she may have BPD, I do not, and I am still a person who cares and am struggling to try and not reach out to her just to see if she is ok. I feel if I reach out to her she is going to see it as if I cannot move on and am trying to get her back. If I don't reach out to her then I know she is thinking "see, he doesn't even care to check in on me." I feel that it is a lose - lose situation. It does bother me thinking that this person, who I once lied in bed with thinking of baby names and where we were going to honeymoon, is someone I will never hear from again...and the breakup happened so suddenly!

I wonder if anyone else has struggled with this...to contact or to not contact?

[grumpydonut]

Hi Daniel,

100% have. It's heartbreaking to read some of your words. I noticed that on both occasions, your key consideration was what her reaction will be. If you're reaching out, do it for YOU.

You've likely spent much of your time thinking about what's best for her. In this moment, however, you may need to spend more time thinking about what's best for you.

[crushedagain]

What may at this time seem like a "lose-lose" situation is actually a win. One day in the future you will realize this person was not at all what you needed and you are better off without her.

[Mutt]

Hi Daniel 128,

As another poster said - think about your needs. If reaching out too early is going to cause set backs then it’s probably not the right time. That said, pwBPD are resilient - she will be ok. Focus on your needs for now.

[Daniel 128]

Well I ended up sending her an email saying "I'm not wanting to start anything or have a conversation, I just want to know if you're ok." Normally she would respond back within five minutes. She didn't send a response back until the next morning saying "yeah, I'm ok." and that was it. I'm pretty sure she contemplated whether or not she wanted to respond or she waited to want to see if I sent more emails requ

[crushedagain]

Hi Daniel 128,

As another poster said - think about your needs. If reaching out too early is going to cause set backs then it’s probably not the right time. That said, pwBPD are resilient - she will be ok. Focus on your needs for now.

Absolutely. We should never forget that they are the ones who are able to disappear forever at a moment's notice seemingly without a care in the world.

[Mutt]

I'm pretty sure she contemplated whether or not she wanted to respond or she waited to want to see if I sent more emails requ

That’s speculation. Many members on the boards here including myself asked a similar question- does my pwBPD care about me?

I think that we have to look at how it went when we asked our pwBPD a self reflective question. If you ask a pwBPD a hard question it’s not a pleasant transaction.

If you want to have a discussion about your pwBPD and if they cared or cared after a r/s break up it’s best to have it on the boards here. You’ll save yourself a lot of unwarranted grief.

[grumpydonut]

pwBPD are resilient

Respectfully disagree with this, since plenty end up in psych wards or dead via suicide.

[Daniel 128]

What I am finding hard right now, is the more I try to date the more I miss her. I HATE DATING! I know I just need more time to pass.

[grumpydonut]

That means you aren't ready to date.

Consider taking a break. No partner deserves to be with someone who isn't over their ex, and you won't learn anything if you don't reflect.